"Oh, No, Not Another One....."

I'm Back, Baby......In a Big and Not So Big Way.....

2010-09-29T20:40:00.005-05:00

"Where the HELL have you been?" you may be asking.......

Well, I've been here, I just haven't written. My modem and my computer crapped out in late March and I've been "off the grid" until late August; but I've gone from Luddite to Notluddite in a big way. I got a smart phone and a Big Computer. It's so stinkin' huge, that I think I can almost call myself an office satellite for Pixar except instead of making top-notch entertainment the whole family can enjoy, I just fart around on humor sites and wonder why I didn't think of this or that.

Gina, mine's bigger, sorry.......

Tp bring you up to speed, work is still the same irritation it always has been. Our music inventory is getting smaller and smaller. Oh, Downloads.......why must you destroy my work?

Actually, I'm kind of my own worst enemy. I may be driving myself out of business on the download front. We still get people coming in and asking us if we're (the whole store) going out of business.

The answer to that, as far as I know, is NO. We're just not selling a lot of music because even the most mildly techie bastards like me will be more than happy to save $9 on a download instead of buying a CD in a store. We'll still have a music presence in the building, but we just don't have all of The Posies CDs anymore. Oddly enough, my customers, who are middle-to-upper-middle class-middle-aged people of all creeds and colors don't buy anything from the Bad Brains catalog on a daily basis.

As a matter of fact, recently, the online division of my store had a 50% off sale for its best selling CDs. These are CDs that have been purchased across the country in brick stores and online and there wasn't a single surprise on this list: Buble, Neil Diamond, Willie Nelson, Barbra Streisand, Elvis, Beatles......the Robert Plant/Allison Krauss collaboration may have been the sassiest thing on there.

But a lot of customers are still "Naw, jus' lookin'" Still uncouth dimwits. Still hillbillies. Still complaining about prices and complaining if we move things around.....like it's there house or something.

Excuse me: Like it's their TRAILER or something.

But as I mentioned earlier, a lot of them want to show off their acumen, sidle up to me and whisper, as if in a conspiracy and with gleams in their eyes that tell me they think they are the smartest hillbillies off the mountain: Y'all closin' aint'cha?

I've quit saying no and explaining things, so I just make shit up:

"Well, we're getting rid of the music, but we're going to put in a check-cashing kiosk, a still and lotto tickets."

"No, we're not closing, but we will start offering auto detailing. Camo paint on yer truck, son...."

"Let me put it this way: (start singing) 'Little Rock's gonna have a legit whorehouse in it....."

I don't get it. If you are salivating at the prospect of us closing, why the FUCK do you keep coming in every goddamn day?

The truth of the matter is: Yes, there are some boardroom shenanigans going on, but we are still going to be around for a bit. I have not heard about the store closing. Yes, there's a big "For Lease" sign on the property out front, but that's just the property manager being proactive.

And customers are still as blind as bats: Where's y'all's audiobooks?

Please feel free to turn your head ever so slightly to the right,,,,,,,,,,

I hear this a lot: "OH!! IT WOULD HAVE BIT ME!!!"

If it did, could it pump a few IQ points into your inbred brain along with the venom? Could it turn down the fiddle music that's the white noise in your ears? Will it close your slack-jaw? Or make your jaw move more so everything you say won't sound like: "Nawjusreckonyouunscaughtmelookinrightrounincheer...."

Moving on, the other thing I've been doing these past few months is losing weight. I've lost about 30 pounds so far and I can fit into old clothes. I've cut out pizzas, real hamburgers, all fried foods, sodas, potatoes, lowered my sugar intake, etc. and I am eating more fish and veg and veggie products and fruit. I still have the occasional steak for the iron, but no more junk food.

I saw the light on the Road to Damascus on April 17th of this year. This guy waddles into the department--he's bigger than me and if that wasn't bad enough, he was wearing shorts.

And if THAT wasn't bad enough, his legs......it looked like his next stop after the store, was to the surgeons to have them sawn off. Purple and blue and black calves and ankles. Spirit of Diabetes To Come, I have seen what could be---can I not change it?

Turns out I can. I just can't eat what I used to eat anymore, but that's okay, because I'm feeling pretty good. I still have a ways to go, but, I've made a good, consistent start.

Another benefit of the losing weight: I can totally see my dong now.

When you gain weight, your gut overtakes your genitals. Every bit of you gets bigger, instead of said dong. Frankly, for the longest time, it was thinking, well, you are are turning into a fat slob so no one will be needing me around here anymore, so the Moray goes back into hiding in its undersea cave.

But now, every morning, I get a "Hello and How do you do?" and then I proceed to beat it like it owes me money.

Yeah, we're best friends again.

YOU GO, FIRST AMENDMENT!!!!!

Houses of the Holy

2010-03-24T20:13:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, for all of this country's talk of the First Amendment and Freedom of Speech, I realized that there are not many outlets at all for free speech.

If we are fortunate (relatively speaking) we spend 1/3 of our day at work. Free speech at work? No, that's not happening.

TV and newspapers? No, ratings and ad revenue. You can't say what you want because you might hurt someone's feelings and you lose money (see "Work").

Street corner? "Move along, pal......"

Home? Are you kidding? Thanksgiving dinner is nothing if not trying to keep the peace so we don't end up on the news.

Church? Yeah, try that and let me know how it goes......

The Internet? Yeah, but to interact with the public, to get instantaneous feedback.......

The last, great fortress of the First Amendment: The open-mike spots in comedy clubs. We may not laugh with you, but you can get up there for five whole minutes and say anything you want.

I'm going back.

I have a mouth and I must scream.

"Yeah, I May Be Hatin'...."

2010-03-07T23:54:00.002-06:00

I didn't watch the Oscars. I watched "Iron Man" and "Lilo and Stitch." Take from that what you will.

As much as I love movies, the last movie I saw in theaters was "Star Trek." Yes: I am that one person who hasn't seen "Avatar" yet.

Kathryn Bigelow's "The Hurt Locker" won for Best Picture and Best Director. I haven't seen it, but it Looks Important. I'm not impressed with Ms. Bigelow's body of work, anyway. I absolutely hate "Point Break." It is so obnoxious that it looks like it wasn't directed by her, but by a guy who was twirling his dick around on set.

".......aaaaand....ACTION!!!!" (whoosh.....whoosh.....whoosh.....)

She directed "Near Dark" which was a cliched, but servicable vampire film (and I've discussed it in an earlier posting), but when I tried to listen to the commentary and she was going on about the actor's journey and the choices an actor makes and all that horseshit.....oof......trying to hard and sucking the life out of your dumb vampire movie.

And on message boards across the interwebs, various idiots are writing: "Woo-hoo!!! A woman finally won!!!"

Cool it, sisters.

What's the point in her winning, if it's not the actual Best Picture? The Oscars is very political and it would not be beyond them to give it to her just because she's a woman; who cares if her movie was actually better than any of the others?

Again, I haven't seen the movie....I'm just saying.........

The only Best Picture nominees I've seen are "Up" and "Inglourious Basterds" and I love both films--for different reasons, obviously.

Other idiots are posting: "The Dude abides!!!!" Jeff Bridges won Best Actor for "Crazy Heart" and that's great. I like him-he's a good actor. I'm just bitching because I don't get "The Big Lebowski." I saw it once in the theaters and never looked back. That's not to say millions of other guys don't like this movie. Sweet Jesus. I sell a copy every now and again at the store. I think the big attraction of the film is the same thing that makes Jimmy Buffett so popular: Here's a guy who is stoned/drunk/the life of the party and doesn't have a boss or a regular job to answer to and the fans are envious of this lifestyle, but not so envious that they are not willing to not share in the good times, as marginal as they may be.

Sandra Bullock won for Best Actress for her role in.....that football movie. Bullock, a rich, white woman, plays a rich white woman who looks up to Mr. Drummond and adopts her very own humongous black man and teaches him to.....play football.....I guess.....It's based on a true story, I'm told.

I'll wrap this up by saying that "Tropic Thunder" may have been a blessing: I don't think there was a single film this year in which anyone has gone retard--full or otherwise.

Toodles, poodles.......

"This Kid Is Going to Break Into My House In Seven Years."

2010-02-24T01:49:00.002-06:00

A man and a woman enter the department tonight: He is jabbering away on his cell phone and she asks me if we carry "Hooked on Phonics" or anything else that could help a six year old learn to read.

I say we don't carry "Hooked on Phonics" but we have a couple of other things and she looks at the three dvds I pick out and the man is still talking on his cell phone when his OTHER cell phone, which has the bass turned up I guess, lets him know that he has another call.

The woman then asks me if we have the latest edition of "Hood Fights" on DVD.

Lord........

A Brief Analysis of Apatow Films

2010-02-18T06:05:00.002-06:00

Seriously, this will only take a minute--assuming everyone has seen the first two. I KNOW no one saw "Funny People" last year.

"The 40 Year Old Virgin" - Andy (Steve Carell) is (see title of the film) and his buddies at work try to get him some. Andy falls in love with a nice lady played by Catherine Keener, they get married and Andy gets......devirginified. In the previous blog entry, I said that this is easily the funniest of the three.

"Knocked Up" - Seth Rogan plays a loser, stoner slacker who knocks up Katherine Wossname from Gray's Anatomy who has a real harpy of a sister played by Judd's real wife. Movie is not nearly as funny as "40 Year Old Virgin."

"Funny People" - Adam Sandler plays an Adam Sandler-type comic with millions of dollars, a huge house and can have sex with a slew of bimbos without even trying, but he's depressed. I am a failed comic, with no money, a crappy pre-fab apartment with nary a bimbo in sight and I'm also depressed.

Yeah, I immediately hate this character.

He does find out he has a fatal disease (good!) but later, he is miraculously cured (shit...); but before he's cured he takes on as his protege/assistant Seth Rogen's character, a struggling comic and Adam tries to get his old girlfriend back who's married to Eric Bana's character. She's played by Judd's real wife, and again, she's gone full harpy here. Awful person. All of this is wrapped around the world of stand-up comedy, which I kind of enjoyed, but didn't learn anything new.

Only time I laughed out loud was at a Sarah Silverman joke (a joke I'm paraphrasing):

"So I was at the Obama fundraiser and I'm like "There he is," and I work up the courage to go up to him and say: "It is so inspiring to meet you and I truly believe that you will bring great change to this country and to the world when you're elected President."

And he says: "Sorry, but I'm Kanye West."

All right, the first movie made a lot of money, the second one did too, but not as much and the third one bombed and I think I know why:

In "40," Andy, the protagonist, is a super-nice guy, plain and simple. He's not a creep. He's polite. He's nice and very easy to like.

In "Knocked Up," Seth's character is.......you don't want him in your house; but he redeems himself in the last 10 minutes when he turns his life around and stands up to, for all intents and purposes, his sister-in-law and throws her ass out of the delivery room and becomes a dad.

In "Funny People," Adam Sandler's a jerk and stays an asshole; Judd's wife is still a terrible person--the only nice person, once again, is Seth Rogen, but it's like.....eh.....who cares......

In Apatow movies, nice guys finish first, redempted guys finish seconds and nihlistic jerks bomb at the box office. I'm not saying he needs to make "40 Year Old Virgin 2," but dude, have a likable dude as the protag in your next film. There are dark comic characters in successful comedies, but you just don't seem to have the knack yet for balancing that out.

Wish I hadn't lost Judd Apatow's email address.*

"You know how I know you're gay? You just read this blog."

*Hand to God, I actually had a brief email correspondance with him about six years ago. It was a day or two after the premiere of "Anchorman" (which he co-produced) and he replied to an email I sent to the "Freaks and Geeks" website and he responded!! Sent a couple of things back and forth and there you go. I didn't want to seem too stalker-y so I left him alone and we lost contact. Oh, well...

I'm re-watching "40 Year Old Virgin"...........

2010-02-18T03:08:00.003-06:00

and out of the three movies that Judd Apatow has directed, it's the best one; and by best, I mean funniest.

I'm not going to go into an analysis, but I just wanted to share a couple of lines/scenes from the film that have me actually laughing out loud.

Note: The version I'm watching is the "unrated version" and I'm using the actor's names instead of the character's.

God, I've sucked the life out of this already......HERE GOES!!!

Steve Carell wants to talk to Romany Malco about something serious, but Romany is watching the remake of "Dawn of the Dead" on the electronic store's TVs. Steve asks Romany if he is attractive and Romany says yes, but he needs to get a chest wax. Romany reassures Steve that it's going to be all right and it's a nice, serious, quiet conversation until Romany's attention goes back to the movie:

"AW, SHIT!!!!! FUCKED!! DAT!!! NIGGA!!! UP!!! GET OUT THE ROOM, BITCH!! GET OUT THE ROOM!!!!"

Seth Rogen advises Steve Carell that he just needs to know how to talk to women and he uses a "plant the seed" metaphor. The short version is that he advises Steve to talk to Elizabeth Banks like he's David Caruso in "Jade": ask questions, don't answer questions and act like kind of a dick. Steve is successful, is pretty proud of himself and Seth is in awe. Steve asks: "Do I call her?"

Seth: "No. First you let the seed grow into a plant. Then you fuck the plant."

The End All--The Ultimate.....

2010-02-15T21:45:00.002-06:00

We had a Code Adam alert at the store today. That's when a parent can't find their child and they let us know, then a description of the child is broadcasted over our PA system and all store employees stop what they're doing and help find the kid.

I stop what I'm doing; someone starts to ask me something and I say I'll be with them in a minute and I walk all over the music department; looking for the kid.

The person asks me if I worked there (I'm halfway across the department; about 30 feet from her). I told her that I'll be with you in a second; we're under a Code Adam alert and I have to stop what I'm doing and look for a kid. I'm sorry, but I can't help you until the Code is cancelled.

She asks: Well......do you know when that will be?

I'm still walking and looking and in a voice that says "You stupid, selfish twat" but doesn't actually SAY "You stupid, selfish twat"--As soon as the child is found.

Music was clear.....he wasn't back there.....I let another manager know so they can concentrate on other areas in the store....and almost immediately, the Code is cancelled.

I can now sell her the Journey Greatest Hits cd she wanted to buy.

Because that's all right: Sure a kid MAY be abducted for whatever heinous reasons and never seen again, but, oh........when the lights go down in the city........

Car time: My lifelong pal, Jodie believes that it's the transmission, so I have to take it to a transmission.....place. This will set me back. If I have to go back to blowing guys for sandwiches again....damn.........

Crap......

2010-02-14T23:07:00.002-06:00

Had trouble putting the car in reverse as I was leaving work tonight....the Service Engine Soon light came on.....and the car is handling (the short version) "funny."

Probably the transmission, dammit. That's one advantage married life has over single life: While one car is getting fixed (or waiting to get fixed), you still have one to tootle around in (if you're fortunate).

I get to go in tomorrow to have it checked out by guys who will have dollar signs ring up in their eyes, no doubt.

Crap.........

I,....Dumbass.....

2010-02-10T18:30:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, as I trudged to my car to go to work, there were a couple of samaritans helping one of their neighbors remove the ice and packed snow from around her car. Well,.......one of them was actually shoveling while the other was just standing around blah-blah-blahing......

Anyway, my car was still snow and ice free since I scraped it yesterday......I kicked down a mini-ice barricade blocking my car, but I was ready to go....sweet.

I get in, let the car warm up, put her in reverse........and I don't move. Not an inch.

So I try again......rev it up as safely as I could.....I didn't want to shake loose and fling myself into the cars parked 12 feet behind me.....but nothing happened......I was thinking that it didn't sound or feel like my wheels were even spinning on the ice......when the dude that was just standing around hollered out:

"Take off your emergency brake!!"

"clunk"

Me: "Thanks......"

And there we are.......

Sulu from the Star Trek reboot and I have a lot in common........

And true confession time: You know how when you were in school and you had an assignment due and you procrastinated and put off and you did everything EXCEPT your assignment until the last minute?

THE TRADITION LIVES!!!!

I've written about half of my dealy for the first Sopranos episode; nothing on the second--but I have been sleeping a lot and watching other things......

In particular, "Blackadder," "The Thin Blue Line," and because there's a Wolfman remake coming out this weekend, I've watched "Dog Soldiers" and the original "Wolf Man" flicks.

If you haven't seen "Dog Soldiers," I highly recommend it. The short version: A squad of Brit soldiers are on a training exercise in the Scottish Highlands when they find themselves in the middle of their own version of "Night of the Living Dead" and "Zulu." Substitute zombies and the Zulu nation for werewolves and that's the movie. It'll make you jump and there's blood everywhere, so rock on.

As for The Sopranos, it'll get done......it'll get done.......just not this week.....sorry, everybody.....

D'oh!!!

2010-02-09T06:19:00.002-06:00

Just got the call--we're opening at 10AM.

I dunno......it can go either way......we're not supposed to get anymore wet stuff, but the winds supposed to blast and drop down to the 20s and refreeze everything, I guess......

Play it by ear.....we'll see......

The Day That Is The Day Before Tomorrow.....

2010-02-08T23:31:00.003-06:00

All right, we're at the mercy of ice and snow. Again.

The store closed at noon today; I didn't have to go in because I was scheduled for a closing shift, so I got to stay in, but I was feeling a bit of the ol' wanderlust so around 4:00, I went to go get some food.

I had heard several cars pass by my window and the streets sounded slushy, but passable and there was rain coming down, so that was helping with a sort of thaw, and I figured this would be my only chance because probably after the sun went down, so would the temp and everything would freeze.

I got out and made it home fine; I had to be careful, of course, but there were there were grooves and trails on the streets carved out by other vehicles and the ice had melted in these grooves so that for the most part, as far as my tires were concerned, it was like driving in the rain.

I prowled around the Bowman/Markham area and most of the businesses were closed. McDonald's was open as well as Papa John's, but the other restaurants and businesses looked closed.

What was interesting was that at the bottoms of hills and at intersections, water was pooling and was not really moving because the snow and ice around it were blocking its way towards drains so if it freezes tonight, break out the ice skates.

Just pinched this from Today's THV, the leggy Tom Brannon:

By late afternoon, slightly warmer air was undercuting the cold air and rain was common from LR south. The rain is ponding on roadways as the slush and snow is blocking drains and gutters. Temps most of the day have hovered just above freezing.

An arctic front arrives around 4-6am Tuesday bringing temperatures well down below freezing. This will cause major icing on area roadways if the slush and water remains.

4-8 inches of snow will be common as the storm system exits the state early Tuesday. The rain should change over to light snow after midnight with only minor additional accumulations possible.

Winter Storm Warning continues in affect for the northern half of the state until 6am Tuesday.

Tonight: 90%Rain/Snow changing to all snow after midnight. Low 26

Tuesday: Cloudy and Cold, High 30

So, I'll get up around 5 to get ready to go to work, but I'm not really counting on going in.

Get me.....I'm Ned Perme over here........

Robert Sims vs. Sarah Palin

2010-02-08T15:21:00.006-06:00

My family, which is fairly conservative, likes Sarah Palin. I don't know why.

I don't understand why she is considered a viable PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE in 2012 and why right-wingers like her so much; especially since the dirty-not-so-secret of the McCain campaign was that she acted like such a dummy during the campaign, she ruined his shot.

Actually, I guess I do know: Whereas McCain had some respect from the left for being more moderate than most on the right, she was put on his ticket because she parrots the harder-line conservative messages.....and she's purty.

But a year and change ago, during most interviews, she really sounded like she would lose, and lose quickly, on "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?".

Now, she's The Shit of the Right..........

I know a dude who wanted to read her book, so he could argue intelligently against her and wouldn't rely on other media; good for him--don't get spoonfed; learn for yourself.

However, I could have saved him a lot of bother by showing him the biggest reason why I can't stand her. The cliche is true: A picture is worth a thousand words.....Or in this case, a screengrab from the "Saturday Night Live" on which she appeared during the election:

Seriously.....LOOK!!!! I don't want my President to "raise the roof" and make a goon out of her/himself. I want her/him to act her/his own damn age, be smart and not pander. I know that "pandering" is the name of the election game, but there's "making yourself accessible" and "acting like a damn fool."

Jesus.....that stupid smirk.......grrrrrrRRRRRRRAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

Fine. If we get her, it's because we deserve her.

I don't-----but a lot of the sheep who swallow every honey-coated syllable of Fox News do deserve her.

Wankers........

"Yo, Teach, I need an extension....."

2010-02-08T02:39:00.002-06:00

Hmmmmmm.......

My "Sopranos" recaps and thoughts are a bit more involved than I had originally thought.......especially the first one, because that's the first one and it introduces....well.....a lot of new characters......because it's the first one......

I'm not weighing it down with production trivia or stories.....I'm just writing about what we are watching and know or can think from it.......but it's taking a bit.......

This Thursday.......promise, promise, promise...........

Sedition, Stupidity and Treason: Is It Tuesday Already?

2010-02-05T00:00:00.002-06:00

Tuesday, at work, I answer the phone while it's ringing.

My department doesn't have a direct line, so music customers call the main store number, we get paged by whoever answers the phone that we have a call; then we take the call and go from there.

But at this particular time, I'm going over some projects on the computron, the phone is ringing off the hook, so I answer it.

"Store I've Never Named In This Blog....This is Robert; may I help you?"

"Yuh, main.....(in a twang and drawl reserved for those who are late for banjo duels with their fatherbrothercousin), I'm lookin' fer this book and Ah's wonderin' if you'ns had it. The author is (I've forgotten the author's name-Roberto)......

Now, he told me the name and I entered it into the databankdrive and the name came up connected to a book entitled---I've forgotten the exact title, but it was along the lines of "The Government is Stealing Your Money By Collecting Taxes: How You Can Get Out of Giving Them A Penny" and it was about six years old and we were no longer carrying it---and I said to the gentleman, sorry, but it looks like we are no longer carrying it.

He replied, in a tone that said that if we were face to face, no matter what I said next, he would have tried to punch me in the face while shouting: "Tea Party...Bold Fresh.....Coloreds in The White House!!!":

"Wah'zatt??!!??"

And, as so often I do during the day, I roll my eyes and tell him: "Well, just like everything else, I guess not enough people were buying it, so we're not selling it."

And that's why we don't carry a lot of fringe stuff. That's the God's honest truth. If books about no taxation, pipe bomb construction and how Joe Biden is a Liberal Jew-run android outsell Dan Brown and James "Five Books A Week" Patterson, then we would sell them----because that's the free enterprise and free market way----the customers demand it, we'll sell it.

It has to be a LOT of customers, though......and not customers who want to barter books for vittles.....no, most of our customers want to learn how to lose weight in three days or read about Sarah Palin or buy Bibles and Kama Sutras or whatnot. The vast majority of them are not interested in eighty page books with lots of typos and bound with staples, discussing how marijuana will revitalize our economy and "free the Lion of Judah" or whatever, Moonbeam Fartydragon.

Anyway, we didn't have it, and he seemed to accept my one sentence explanation and that concluded the call.

I did consider making his day though, and indulging his freedom-fighter dreams:

Me (whispering desparately in the phone): "Because the Liberal-Jew run media wants you to pay for abortions for white gals and cybernetic implants for both wetbacks and niggers, so they can take everything from the glorious white race and they can't do that without taking some of your money for taxes. Social security and medicare/medicaid--it don't exist cousin----it's all a Lizard People-Jew run scheme to take away your money, so you don't have money to buy guns to fend off the nigger/wetback/Lizard/Jew cyborgs uprisings in 2012. Now not only is your money being stolen, but the current "Osama" Administration is trying to put tartar-control into the water--saying it's for teeth strengthening, but it's really for putting a sub-minimal message in your mind about how you're a goddamn faggot if you don't pay taxes. I can't talk any louder---my Jew/Canadian overlords are monitoring everything I say, but they gotta go to the bathroom sometime and now's my chance: My white, hard-working American, Protestant family is being held prisoner in a farmhouse and they know where the secret UFO meeting-place is. If you meet me and Earl Bob Clem in the parking lot of the god-fearing Wal-Mart, and bring as many hairy, overall-ed mountain men as you can, we'll take my family back and go down in history for making a free, white Earth for free, white Earthers. NEEEE-HIIIIIII!!!!! Y'ALL TAKE YOUR MUFFLERS OFF YOUR TRUCKS SO THEY CAN HEAR HELL A-COMIN'!!!!"*

But I decided no, because he might actually have gotten offended, or, and this is more frightening, he might've called my bluff......

Cheery-Bye.

*If you think I really believe this stuff, you REALLY haven't been paying attention, have you?

"SQUAAADDD!!! CAMP IT!!! UP!!!!"

2010-02-03T02:16:00.002-06:00

Word in Washington has it that top military officials are saying: "You know, being in the armed forces is difficult enough without feeling like you have to hide something, so let's get rid of "don't ask, don't tell" and if a soldier's gay, let him or her be open about it and everyone will be a grown-up about it and we'll just defend the country, 'kay?"

As long as everyone can do their job, who cares who sleeps with whom?

Chris Rock did have a funny bit about this (well, gay folks) about 10 years ago:

"Man, can't get married and can't fight in the army........who's got it better than them?"

I'm An Idiot, But It's Still An Okay Day.....

2010-01-31T22:59:00.002-06:00

I wasn't sure if I was opening or a mid-shift or closing, so I called the store around 7AM to find out; turns out that's when I'm supposed to be there.

Crap. No waiting for a bit of a thaw. I get cleaned up, then I begin the process of chiseling out my car from the glacier that is my apartment parking lot. It takes forever and I'm about halfway through when I realized I should have done this last night since there wasn't going to be any precipitation overnight. I also end up breaking my ice scraper; not out of rage--it just broke.

So I hop in the car and head for the main entrance of the complex--which is completely iced over and you have to go up a hill and there were already two cars ditched by people who said, "Screw it."

My actual wheels are actually spinning and I try to back up to my building, but I have to turn in reverse to do that, but now my car is sliding down the hill--but not sliding backwards--the left side of the car is sliding down the hill first.

Great. Now I'm in an action movie, but I don't think Steven Seagal is going to pull me out of the car in time. And if he did show up, it would be TWO fat, white guys sliding down a luge run over here.

So I turn the front wheels into the skid, away from the skid....one of those.....and I manage to stop, call the opening manager and tell her I'm still working on getting out of here. She tells me everyone else has shown up, so THAT'S embarrassing. I was hoping everyone else was stuck too, or calling out althogether, but nope. So I need to quit being a schmuck and get it together. I drive straight into the next lot, turn around and make my way for the secondary entrance......which is almost completely clear for some reason....the hell?

All right, so I get there and I'm glad I'm there actually, because otherwise, I would have missed young grandkids calling their grandparents ridiculous names. When did that start? Sure when I was growing up there was "granny" and "grandpa" and "gran" and so on, (I called them "grandmother" and "granddad.") but when did silliness enter into it.

I have an aunt who has her grandkids call her "Honey" and my mother had her grandkid call her "Me-Maw" (really "Me-Muh"--the South.....), but what the hell is all of this:

"Picka-Poo"
"Boop-Boop"
"Poot-Poot"
"Woof-Woof"
"Tee-Tee"
"Loo-Loo"
"Jibba-Jabba"
"THPPPPT......THPPPPPTT"
"Primary Source of Financial Support Because Daddy's Drunk"

A little dignity, huh?

Now the store was closed two days and the thing I was dreading was having a lot of our regulars, who are probably going to commit mass suicide if the store ever goes away*, say something like: "Why the hell y'all closed? Y'all never closed before for weather?" And I was going to hear it all day. But I didn't. No one said a peep to me about it. The cafe manager said one guy said he waited in the parking lot on Friday for us to open, but he went to Starbucks instead, which was open.

God, man, there is something called "Folgers" that you can brew at home.

But there were a lot of people there today. It was kind of "Christmas busy." I guess everyone was tired of being cooped up with their loved ones for more than two days.

"Oh, having a wife and kids is great.....just love, love, love all the time....."

Two days of an ice storm and The Snuggle family turns into The Torrence family. Don't believe the hype.

I get home, noodle around on the net and discover that Lady Gaga and Elton John performed a duet at the Grammys. I'm sure it was as fabulous as hell, but it was probably as terrible as it sounds, too. I don't get the Gaga. She goes out of her way to make herself.....look like a suicidal space hooker.....and she shoots sparks out of her bra.......Seriously, everytime I see a picture of her, it's like she's saying: "Am I pretty now, Mommy?"

Also, Patton Oswalt did not win "Best Comedy Album" for "My Weakness Is Strong." The Stephen Colbert Christmas album did. The Colbert thing was great, but it's not really something you're going to listen to now, is it? Patton: Anytime of Year.....

By the way, if you're looking for something cool to listen to while interwebbing, listen to the soundtrack to "The Good, The Bad, and "The Ugly."

Night-night.

......The Deuce?

2010-01-29T10:24:00.002-06:00

I've just woken up; plenty of time to get ready and travel very slowly to work and I check my voice mail.

One of the kahunas called me and said we weren't opening today.

WOO-HOO!!! No risking life, limb and property today!! Back to Snuggletown in Cozy County, USA!!

This NEVER happens. I was expecting to have to go in and wait on jerks who just don't know when to stay home.

Hmmm......

"Man, it's a darn shame that a clean, regular-waisted, huge-breasted brunette between the ages of 25 and 38 with no hang-ups concerning weight or hair WON'T be knocking on my door today."

Ice Storm? FEH!!!

2010-01-29T00:48:00.002-06:00

As I write this, nothing's going on.

And it wouldn't matter: I will still have to go into work.

Why? Because there are always some idiots who don't get the magic of being iced in: You stay snuggled under blankets and watch movies (as long as the power's on).

Oh, no. It's jackasses who want to prove their manhood: Yep, I made it through; now I'm going to get me some cocoa.

You can't get cocoa at home? You can't just stay there? I have to risk my safety and risk damage to my car and come in because you're bored or you can't stand your family, so you have to get out?

No. No you can't.

"Hell, you folks live in the store, right? You're already there, right?"

When I worked for the state, if Ned Perme farted, we didn't have to come in (slight exaggeration).

In retail, it doesn't matter what's going on, you. come. in.

Best and most ridculous example of this was years ago, a manager said during our morning meeting in order to motivate us during an ice storm: Okay, people are coming in and they are going to want hot chocolate and coffee and maybe they'll want to buy a book.

The next day, when it was a lot nicer out: Okay, people are coming in, the sun's out and they'll want to buy a book.

Tornado: Okay, people are scared and want to be with other people and take their minds off things, so they may want to buy a book (like "How to File Insurance Claims on Tornados?").

So naturally, I started thinking: What would keep people from coming in? What adverse (or nice) conditions would keep them home and huddled with their loved ones?

Nothing.

"Okay, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has returned and a lot of people will want to buy the Left Behind series, so give them that great customer service."

Okay, the dead have risen from their graves and the zombie apocalypse has begun. We have a lot of zombie books, so people will want to buy those. Don't forget the email capture."

I take it back: Nothing.....except a Razorback game. Lordy, how could I forget that. Even the tumbleweeds go home and watch the game, then.

Now, if the zombie apocalypse could happen during the halftime show......that would be awesome.....War Memorial is such a cluster.....no one could get out and the zombies would be as full as ticks......

Okay.....I'm going to bed.

So It's Around Christmas And The Blu-Ray discs are up to 50% off.....

2010-01-26T01:57:00.002-06:00

.....and Buie (a co-worker) asks me what's interesting and cheap, Blu-Ray wise, as he often does. Over the course of working together for several years, we've learned that we have similar tastes in movies and TV. And we can agree on what's crap.

The light bulb goes off: The first season of "The Sopranos" just came out on Blu-Ray and we're selling it for 50% off.

I tell him this.

Buie: Wellll, I don't know.....the wife doesn't.....

Me: Dude. Seriously. You need to get this. It's cheap and it's awesome. You will not regret it.

Buie (with a skeptical look): I don't know........

Me (probably a little louder than I need to and I'm almost snarling and I'm this close to striking him on the head with the Blu-Ray box with each syllable): BUIE!!!! YOU WILL NOT REGRET THIS!!! I PROMISE!!!! WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH WATCHING THIS, YOU ARE GOING TO KISS MY FEET OVER HOW AWESOME IT IS!!!!!!

So he buys it.......

Today, he comes into work......

Buie: Hey, you weren't here last week (vacation), so I couldn't tell you, but I watched "The Sopranos" and OH MY GOD, IT'S AWESOME. I was planning on just taking a little time to watch the first episode or two and then I end up watching the whole thing over three days.

And THAT'S why I'm doing an ep by ep discussion of this show, starting with the first two episodes in two weeks. It is awesome.

The State Of The Blog Address

2010-01-25T23:39:00.003-06:00

You know, I have no idea if anyone is reading this.

Some people might be; maybe they just don't have anything to say.

Or perhaps the few people who did read this have been turned off due to the infrequent postings and the rising negative and unfunny tone of my entries. I'll respond to that: When I started this blog on MySpace, I was posting on a daily basis and it was usually about something funny happening at work and it usually involved a customer acting stupid. Well, after awhile, you can only say so much about the high-pitched, nasal twang of the Arkansan accent, or the good ol' "I'm looking for this cd and I don't know anything about it except it's blue" until, yes, it's all the same.

And that's part of the problem: It is all the same. I'm starting my THIRD year as the Music Manager. I've been working in the Music Department since October of 2005 and I have been continuously employed by this company since October of 2003. Where I am, right now, is as far as I want to go in the company. Comparatively speaking to other management jobs in the company, my job is cake, but I need something else. Over the past couple of years, I have looked for employment outside the company to no avail and for that matter, I will continue to do so, but man, do I need better pay, better hours and something more stimulating. And I need to work with grown-ups.

I will be 40 this December; most of the people who work where I work are between the ages of 18-28 years of age and we have very little in common. Now there are a few people in this age range who are fine and dandy, but some of the kids....oy.....you just want to grab one and beat the rest with the one you just grabbed......I'm not naming names, but if I do get another job: Oh, my God......the dirt will be dished with a steam shovel and everyones' sins will be laid bare....I might have to move......

So to recap: I'm bored. I can't relate to and don't like several employees (and I'm aware that the feeling is mutual, but I'm still a manager and they better recognize*) and it's just building and building as the months and years go by and so, I haven't been in a good mood in a long, long time AND while a lot of stuff has happened, I can't write about it yet, so it really hasn't been conducive to writing, to say nothing of PLEASANT writing.

Anyway, having said all of that, for the time being, probably the best thing for me to do is to not write about work for the time being (which I've done), and continue to write about films and shows that I'm enjoying and try to do it on a regular basis and actually bring you along--assuming you are still out there.** I'm going to start a regular feature modeled...okay...ripped off....from The Onion's AV Club TV Club in which the staff picks a show (currently airing or cult favorite), watches every episode and deconstructs/critiques said show, episode by episode and the columns readers share their thoughts via the comments section.

What's going to be different from my usual posts is I am giving you plenty of notice as to what I will be watching and discussing so that you can do "homework" if necessary and watch what I'll be watching and you will be able to contribute and discuss as soon as I post: hot, bold, fresh, timely feedback. In short, a little online movie club, but we don't have to meet and watch something together--I think this will be difficult enough without coordinating schedules and locations, etc.

All right: Two weeks from now (this will give you two weekends, so fire up those Netflix accounts), I will post my thoughts on the first two episodes of the first season of the following show; the show being discussed by one of the network executives who greenlit the show in the following quote from Vanity Fair:

"I said to myself, This show is about a guy who's turning 40," Albrecht recalls. "He's inherited a business from his dad. He's trying to bring it into the modern age. He's got all the responsibilities that go along with that. He's got an overbearing mom that he's still trying to get out from under. Although he loves his wife, he's had an affair. He's got two teenage kids, and he's dealing with the realities of what that is. He's anxious; he's depressed; he starts to see a therapist because he's searching for the meaning of his own life. I thought: The only difference between him and everybody I know is he's the don of New Jersey."

That's right, bitches: The Sopranos. Get some stugots*** and come along for the ride. If you've never seen the show, you are in for a treat. If you've seen the show before, you might pick up some things on the rewatch; regardless, we're gonna talk about it.

"But I don't like gangster...."

It doesn't matter. The gangster stuff is the window dressing. The real trip is recognizing your own life in their world and we'll be talking about that, too. We're going to go through the entire series, two episodes a week. I'll probably post some other things between now and then, but meet me here in two weeks for the first two episodes.

Get me: I'm kinda excited and I might be in a good mood for a minute.

* For the record, the employees I'm referring to are NOT regular or some-time Music Department employees. Those guys are aces. I'm referring to some people who work in different areas of the store and thought I was just the old, fat guy who stayed in the back and thinks he's funny and is not a manager, even though the word "manager" is in my title. I'm not some schmoe who works five hours every two weeks; barring anything that puts you or the store or our customers in jeopardy, I DO get to tell you what to do.

One of these little geniuses went over my head, after I told her to stop complaining about the music and get back to work so we can all go home, and complained to one of the Assistant Store Managers and sniffled: "He played the manager's card...."

The ASM, to her credit, essentially said:".....yeah.....well, he IS a manager.....so stop complaining and get back to work....."

** I was thinking about changing the title of this blog to "Shaddup!!! I'm Having A Rhetorical Conversation!!!!" from the original "The Producers."

*** "Stugots" is Italian slang for "testicles." And it's the name of Tony's boat. See? You're learning new things from this already.

"Is That A Boy Or A Girl?" or "One, Two, Three, FAWW..or I Can Think of A MILLION Reasons Why We Shouldn't Do It in The Road...."

2010-01-22T18:29:00.005-06:00

I'm watching the excellent "The Beatles Anthology" for the first time in 15 years and it still holds up; it's still excellent. I started at the beginning and I'm up through the "Help!" bits. Since this is when they were performing live, these years are called "Early Beatles" or "Pre-Psychedelic Beatles" or "The 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Years."

Just thousands upon thousands upon thousands of girls SCREAMING NONSTOP. Absolute bedlam. No wonder they turned to drugs. There's some footage of their first trip to New York (and America) from inside their limo and the sidewalks are teeming with kids and quite a few of them are rushing up to the car and the guys are making funny comments, but you can tell they are getting a bit unnerved by the whole thing. Hell, I was getting nervous and I was 45 years away.

I remember seeing some footage of Frank Sinatra making the bobbysoxers swoon, and of course Elvis drove 'em crazy, but THIS.......I don't think anyone has seen the like since. And yes, I'm including the Jonah Montana Brothers in this as well, but they don't come close and they never scrabbled in dingy clubs to play music, so there.

Here are a couple of things of note:

1) Paul said they didn't want to go to America until they had a number one record over here. They had seen so many acts from Great Britain, who were very successful at home, just flop like nobody's business when they went to the States and their reputations didn't precede them, if you will. The Beatles were the rage in Europe, but the American distributors were messing things up and their records weren't selling. The group got a second look over here when there was all of this news coverage of their popularity in Europe; THEN their records were being bought and listened to and we were cultivating our own Screaming Hoardes.

Anyway: That was some priceless strategy that paid off by the armored cars, I'm sure.

2) From the very start, Old Men were giving them shit about their hair. News reporters, the Duke of Up-Down-Upon-Round-The-Side-How's-Your-Father-At-Shreepshorpshopshire, everybody. If you're in London and you look up in the sky, you will see a statue of one of England's greatest military leaders: Nelson. He wore a powdered wig that was the fashion of the time, but would look very poovy today.

But no, it's all: "I say, I'm old and I think Guy Lombardo is a bit too loud. What do you children know about what children want to listen to? Let's have a sing-song 'round the old piano, what? Why isn't your hair the same length as our good, fighting men in the Royal Services, what? You young men are much too arrogant for your age. Kill a few East Indians and Darkies for His Majesty, then you'll see what's what, what?"

And you know what? Thinking about old farts got me thinking about this old fart that comes into the music department from time to time. He's probably in his early 70s and he's crazy and racist and will say and do anything to make us turn off the music we play. His wife came back there one day, in tears (at his coaching I'm sure), begging us to turn off the music. And the hell of the thing is, most of our stuff is neo-folkie, coffeehouse crap or classical performances or American Songbook stuff. Nothing to make your ears bleed. There's the occasional, new thing, but it's never that loud or obnoxious (hardly).

But oh, no. Once every few weeks, he'll come back there, mention that he and his wife will purchase about $600 worth of books and it would be a shame if they didn't because the music was terrible. Oh, and he's a psychiatrist and he's been a CEO of several businesses and he even gave a presentation to the Board of Directors of the company I work for saying that shoppers buy more when they don't listen to music and on and on with the horseshit.

Oh, and he's asked us if blacks have taken over the music industry. And he used to play in a jazz band, but he hates music with "rimshots"........what the fuck is he talking about??

Anyway, I'm not fond of a lot of the music we play in there either, but I'm even less fond of someone who is trying to blackmail, intimidate and downright lie to make me do something that's contrary to what I'm supposed to be doing.

And he's old!!!! Isn't he supposed to be hard of hearing, anyway? Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll burst into flames if I put on a Beatles album.

Anyway, back to the documentary (and I've watched the whole damn thing now since I've started writing this) and I've noticed a couple more things:

1) John Lennon was certainly a gifted and skillful musician, BUT WHY THE HELL THEY LET HIM TALK TO REPORTERS, I'LL NEVER KNOW. He had a wicked sense of humor, and he was his own man and he thought and did and said what he wanted, and he was very fortunate to be able to afford to do so, but man......I know--he didn' t say they were better than Jesus--just that they were more popular---and for better or worse, he was probably right. An aside: when I was watching middle-aged men and their pre-teen children burn Beatles records, the words "Bold Fresh" just kept bouncing off my brain.

I didn't see any teenagers or young adults burning their Beatles stuff; just deacons and their toddlers. Hm.

Anyway, John seemed to cause problems whenever he spoke to anyone with a pad and pencil. And one could argue that if the press reported things accurately, then there wouldn't be as much controversy; but the press is the press and with them, getting things right is possible 48% of the time, so it probably would've been easier if John kept his yap shut.

Along with Sir Paul:

Reporter: "Oh, Paul, how many times have you taken LSD?"

Paul: "Oh, about four or five times."

These guys; with the attitude of honesty and getting it out in the open and putting the onus on the press for reporting such things.......their naivete would be kind of sweet if it didn't cause so much trouble.

And it got worse when they tried to backpedal or apologize or blame the press--this is all Monday Morning Quarterbacking stuff, but it just goes to show you: Even Cultural Frontiersmen can fuck up and say stupid shit and do stupid things. So there's hope for us all, I suppose. Whether you change the world or sell a bunch of wank from behind a counter, you can be pretty stupid.

2. After blowing off an invitation from Imelda Marcos to attend a state dinner, they almost didn't leave The Philippines alive. Yeah, they were touring, but the one day off they had was the day of the dinner, so they said thanks but no. The day after, they woke up and they were literally chased out of the country. VERY touch and go. So something else I've learned from The Beatles: When you are invited to an official function from a potentate of the country you are visiting, even if it turns out later that she's a raging, festering cunt who exploited her own people, you probably need to go to said function.

And don't give them an excuse to lock you up for life, so leave the pots at home.

3. We probably would have never heard of Mark David Chapman because George Martin almost killed John Lennon first. (Who's George Martin?) The Beatles owe a lot of their success to their hard work, to their very savvy and innovative manager Brian Epstein and to their producer, George Martin, who claims that he wasn't aware of any hard drug usage by the moptops. Okay. One night, the boys and George were recording (I think it was a Sgt. Pepper session) and John had accidentally ingested some LSD; mistaking it for uppers or something. Anyway, he was having a bit of a freak-out and was feeling sick and he didn't tell George EXACTLY what was wrong, and George decided that some fresh air would help and the only fresh air was UP ON THE ROOF OF THE STUDIO BUILDING, SEVERAL STORIES UP.

One "I CAN FLY!!!" later and everything would have changed. The blackest of comedy.

4. So what led to the break-up of one of the most beloved and successful music groups of all time? It kind of boils down to:

"I'm sick of you. I'm sick of him. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of her. I'm sick of that. I've got lots of money and fame. I'm off."

But the best thing about this whole documentary is something no one saw in 1995 on ABC. It's one of the bonus features and it's about 20 minutes of footage of Paul, George and Ringo sitting around George's estate jamming in a studio, playing some old blues and I got chills when they played "Blue Moon of Kentucky." And of course, the whole thing is more bittersweet NOW because not only was John not there, but George had passed away since then as well but anyway, I'm watching this footage and it also has Paul, Ringo and George sitting on a lawn: Ringo kind of slapping his knees for the beat and Paul and George playing ukuleles and playing old, old songs and skiffle this and that and it's a nice moment. It's charming and it's kind of full circle for these music gods to be playing old tunes like this on a lawn.

And in the documentary itself, the survivors regret that things ended the way they did and that while they hated each other at times, they loved each other, too. So that's kind of sweet. And you get the impression that they are friendly towards each other now, but they don't really hang out or even see each other that often, so this gathering of the surviving three is really, really something.

Until, out on the lawn, as a skiffle song ends and Paul and George look like they are having the time of their lives.....Ringo LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.

Then when the song ends, he says something to the effect that HE NEEDS TO GO, then Paul thanks George for having them over....and I'm thinking WHERE THE HELL DOES RINGO HAVE TO GO? SERIOUSLY.

You guys haven't seen each other and hung out like this in years but "you have a thing" or whatever. If you were bored with the skiffle stuff, just say so and maybe you guys could have done something else, but don't bring it to a screeching halt. If someone's in the hospital, that's different, but COME ON.

Too bad this was before the iPhone; you could've twiddled with that for a bit, but man.......I understand wanting to not overstay your welcome, but frankly, if it was me, George would have had to drop some pretty strong hints to get me to go. Then he would have had to call security probably.

But after all of this "Those were the days." "And we'll never get the time back." "Oh, it's so sad."

"Yeah.....I gotta go......"

Amazing. I know. I've done it myself. I just wasn't in The Beatles, for Chirst's sake. He's got his own life to lead, but his experiences were unique and only two (at the time) other people knew what he had gone through. In all fairness, I wasn't actually there, so what do I know? Maybe they hung out for ten whole hours or so. It's just funny it was on camera.........I hope he and Paul are, at least, in Christmas card contact with each other.

Let me wrap this up by saying that the stereo mix box set of their studio catalog is awesome. Before I bought it, I only had their early stuff, so I thought now would be as good a time as any to get all of it. And the cool thing about it is that listening to the stuff I'm not familiar with.....it's like listening to a great new band.

And I'd like to dedicate this whole Beatles love note to the girl who said: "People who say they hate The Beatles just haven't listened to a Beatles song they like yet."

Love it.

5 Desert Island Records

2010-01-22T01:55:00.002-06:00

Bravo. The last horse has crossed the finish line and here's my list:

"Let The Good Times Roll" - B.B. King

"Led Zeppelin III" - Led Zeppelin

"My Weakness Is Strong" - Patton Oswalt

"Lyle Lovett and His Large Band" - Lyle Lovett

" A Hard Day's Night" - The Beatles

The kids these days: If it's not songs evocative of ponies and stickers and boys and makeup and Facebook.com and Auto-Tune, it's a hate crime blasting out of their car stereos. Oy.

Too Late, But Thanks......

2010-01-21T14:14:00.002-06:00

The quote, by President Obama, went: "Never Again Will The American Taxpayer Be Held Hostage By A Bank That Is Too Big To Fail."

Since 1995, fourteen years, I had been a customer of Bank of America. I WORKED for them over five years in the mid-to late 90s and was a darn good employee.

But this past Fall, I realized that the interest on my credit cards was getting out of hand and I called them up to talk about lowering the rate or the payments--something.

The first thing the lady does is close out a credit card that I had since 1993 (MBNA until Bank of America bought them) that had a ZERO BALANCE and a very, very high credit limit. I asked her why is she closing this card out and she said with the balances on the other cards, it was a risk to keep my MBNA card open.

Yeah, but there's nothing on it and there hasn't been for months.

Essentially, it didn't matter. I was getting cut off. Doesn't matter how long I'd been a customer, and a good one, but rules is rules.......

So I switched banks. I went to a smaller one. I got a loan that paid off my high interest debt, so things are looking more manageable, moneywise now.

During this process, I learned that Bank of America paid off it's TARP debt early. You know how it did it? It gouged customers with fees and interest. That's how. Initially, they took my tax money to help themselves, then, they took my take-home to pay THAT DEBT off. And not just me: There are a LOT of pissed-off people who have access to the internet who have had similar experiences.

Y'know, the company I work for now, if nothing else, they enforce and push, upon its employees, good customer service and this whole thing makes me think, that while we are not perfect, we do a helluva better job than most other businesses. We pretty much work the shaft AND the balls compared to other retailers.

We're not going to say "fuck you" to a loyal customer who's been with us for over a decade.

I take a lot of shit on a daily basis from ....well, everybody.....but enough is enough.....so fuck Bank of America in the ear with a big AIDS-cock with an AIDS-needle taped to the AIDS-cock.

And if you think you're bank is screwing you over, switch 'em. It may be a slight hassle, but they've got to know you're not happy.

That Was The Decade That Was......

2009-12-31T16:43:00.002-06:00

It was a shit decade........

I shan't elaborate, but it has been the worst 10 years of my life.

I know folks have had it worse.......

.......but mine could have been so much better.........

Happy New Year......

.....and "Fuck You" to the universe..........

My Timely Review of Two Summer Films

2009-12-29T19:09:00.002-06:00

"Hey!! Where's the big-ass Star Trek wrap-up?"

It's coming. I'm just letting it percolate for a bit.

But in the meantime, I've been watching some things that have been put aside while I was watching Everything Star Trek.

Namely: "The Hangover" and "Inglourious Basterds."

"The Hangover": The biggest comedy of the summer of 2009. The DVD has been a steady seller at my store. It stars Ed Helms (I knew him from "The Daily Show," but he's on "The Office" right now.) and one of my favorite comics, Zach Galiafinakis.

The premise is great: Three groomsman lose the groom during a bachelor party in Las Vegas and have to piece together the activities from the night before to find him.

But, MAN was I bored while watching this movie.

I don't know.....maybe my appreciation of funny has gotten too snobby over the years......maybe I was too hyped to see it.....but I just wasn't that knocked out......

It's well-acted and it has a high production value, but I only got a couple of good laughs out of this.....and damned if I can remember them.......

"Inglourious Basterds": When Tarentino releases a movie, it's an event. Say what you want about him or his movies (I can't stand him, but I love his movies.), he's a creative prick, I'll give him that.

Tarentino loves "-sploitation movies." If there's a cheapy, low-budget, z-grade knockoff made between 1930 and 1993, he has seen it. You can take that to the bank. It doesn't matter how bad it is, where it was made, whatever....he has seen the bitch.

He's made 6 (7?) films now and he's plumbed blacksploitation, grindhouse, mobsploitation, kung-fusploitation, gangstersploitation, and noir; put it in the blender and carved out a career.

Nazisploitation is the latest venture, or to be more specific, Beating-Up-On-Nazisploitation.

Which is fine: If you need a bad guy, hard to turn down a Nazi.

The premise you know from the trailers: A Dirty Dozen-esque squad of Jewish-American soldiers forms and, within WWII Occupied France, kills every Nazi it encounters.

But that's only half the movie. Frankly, it may not be fair to call it "half the movie" because there's a second movie going on at the same time involving a French girl and her plan to assassinate every high-ranking German in France, including Hitler.

"Robert, that's called a B story...."

Not this story. Hell, I'm going to call it the A Story and let the swanning about that Brad Pitt and Eli Roth do be the B Story.

You know.....you don't see so much one movie as you do 2 short movies that are intertwined and have the same ending....you'll have to watch it to see it (again, I don't want to give anything away), but it's almost like Tarentino had two good endings and he didn't want to get rid of one, so he kept them both.......and wrote two stories leading up to that ending.....

I'm not going to get particular with the plot or the story, but I will say that the thing about Tarentino's movies (at least since Kill Bill, when I was really paying attention) is that you don't know what will happen in his trailers. Sure you'll think: "Oh, he's goofing on kung-fu flicks or we're just going to see a Brad Pitt slice a bunch of Nazis up....."

That's what gets your attention. That's the barker at the carnival.

Then, when you watch the film: Wow. Didn't see that coming.

And in this age of films that telegraph everything to you via trailers, online content, etc., that is refreshing. If nothing else you are surprised by a Tarentino film. You think you're going to see one thing, and you end up seeing something else. And it's not a stupid plot twist or one specific thing that grabs you. It's the Whole Thing.

What I saw, while watching "Inglourious Basterds," was not an homage to WWII Z movies or another revenge flick.....Instead, I saw probably one of the greatest suspense films ever made and when this film was made, it was the perfect time to make this film.

Up until this film, the two things Tarentino's films are known for (aside from weird music cues* and reviving Travolta's career**) are dialogue and violence (explicit or implied). Usually, his films are peppered with a nice, insightful chat and then someone dies horribly. Or someone dies horribly, then someone says something pithy.

In "Inglourious Basterds," Tarentino cashes in this reputation by the truckload and this film is NOTHING but conversation between a predator and his prey and it's only a matter of time before the prey gives him/herself up.

"When will it happen?" "When will the proverbial other shoe drop and the guns start ablazing?"

On tinterhooks, I was.......

I thought Tarentino was self-parodying his writing style in "Death Proof." He may be self-parodying his whole FILMMAKING style or, or at least his scene structure, with "Inglourious Basterds."

I sound like I'm kind of poo-pooing the movie: I still enjoyed it. It's a Tarentino movie, so you will be entertained***. I think his greatest film is "Kill Bill," if not in scope, then in fun, but "Inglourious Basterds" will definitely entertain you, if not challenge your perceptions.

* All right. We get it. You love Morricone. But Bowie's love theme from the '80s "Cat People"? Really? Dude, that took me out of the movie.

** Yeah, thanks for that by the way.........

***If the whole point of "Death Proof" was to make me say, "I thought she would never shut the fuck up" after Jungle Julia was killed, mission accomplished, sir."

BONUS SPECIAL FEATURES CONTENT:

Not that you asked, but here's my ranking of Tarentino films ("1" being most beloved and "6" not as beloved as 1):

1. Kill Bill: Damn, this was fun. Watching this is like listening to "Paul's Boutique." Old and the new.

2. Pulp Fiction: For better or for worse, this really sparked imaginations.....and got 402 crappy knock-offs in the theaters in the months that followed.

3. Jackie Brown: Great performances across the board. This cast was tight.

4. Inglourious Basterds: Very suspenseful and Eli Roth is not in this a lot, Thank God....

5. Reservoir Dogs: Having it this low on the list, might make you think I don't like it that much.....but I do like it. Hate the Madonna speech, though.

6. Death Proof: Oof. Jungle Julia. Man, did I hate her. And Eli Roth is in this, too.....so, fuck it.....(This is the only one I don't own on DVD.)

Hope you had a nice Christmas.....

2009-12-26T18:32:00.002-06:00

.......compared to other folks, mine was Heaven on Earth.

More than a couple of people I know (well, work with) did nothing but stay at home--alone. And Joe Pesci wasn't trying to break in or anything, but due to family estrangements and other sad reasons, it was just them, by themselves.

And let's not forget probably the Worst Thing Ever In Recent Memory:

Salvation Army Major gets gunned down and killed for money in front of his three young kids in North Little Rock on Christmas Eve.

That's the kind of awful that knocks the wind out of you. You just can't believe it at first, but then you think, yeah, the way the world is.........

I hope they catch those shits soon. I'm all for social justice, but hell, just hang 'em as soon as you catch 'em.

Okay, let me salvage some funny: I was fortunate with my Christmas. I only had three "problems."

1) My sister-in-law doesn't have an inside voice and kept waking me up, post-Christmas lunch. Sacking out on the couch in front of a TV during a holiday: Holiest of holies.

2) My nephew is 17; in all of his uncouth glory.

3) My Dad took 40 minutes to make one sandwich. And I don't know why. I watched him make the sandwich, but I am still at a loss as to why it took almost an hour.

This is me, making a ham sandwich yesterday:

Ham (grab)!! Miracle Whip (grab)!!! Wheat bread (grab)!!!! Plate!!! "Hey, is 'A Christmas Story' still on, or did they switch to 'Family Guy'?"

It took more time for you to read that than it did for me to get out of the chair, go to the kitchen, make the sandwich and head back to the den, but my Dad.....glaciers wear track shoes compared to this guy.......

Anyway, as I was saying, all things considered, I had a good one.

And here's my Not Very Timely Holiday Movie list:

"Scrooged": Bill Murray is the man in this. The film is dark and cynical until the last 10 minutes when Bill gets to make the Big Speech and I'm not ashamed to say this: I cry everytime I hear the speech. Every. Damn. Time.

"Scrooge" (present tense): 1970 British musical based on "A Christmas Carol" with Albert Finney as Scrooge. Campy as hell and not the greatest thing ever, but when I was eight and saw it on TV for the first time, I thought it rocked. Now I enjoy it largely because of the memory and I have a strange interest in British films that have a Victorian setting, but the men's hairstyles are contemporary 1970s.

"Miracle on 34th Street": The original one. I like it because it was made in the '40s and has the patter down pat and Natalie Wood, at that age, had more going on behind her eyes than a lot of my customers. You can see the wheels turning. Sharp kid.

Fa la la......

This was me about 10 minutes ago....

2009-12-14T00:25:00.002-06:00

....zzzzzz........hzzzhhuh....HUH? What time is it?? Am I late for the meeting? Who? Wha.......Oh, it's 12 AM.....and my meeting is in seven hours.........

Busy as crap over the past couple of weeks. Holidays at the store and I've realized something about a lot of old people: A lot of them don't buy things for fun. They might go to the grocery store every week or two, but that's it. They don't buy the occasional cd or DVD and it's not because the technology frightens or confuses them (and it usually does); it's because they don't buy fun extras any other time of year except for the weeks leading up to the holidays (okay, Christmas, but we have to suck the political correctness cock) and even then, it seems like a damn obligation.

And they don't even know what they're buying. They're just told what their grandkids want and where it's located. In the meantime, they slightly confuse an important detail of what they need to buy and it takes a while to figure it out; if we can at all.

These people are easy to identify: They are scared shitless when they step into the music area. The expressions on their faces scream: I don't know what these things are. These aren't books. You can't put movies on a teacup saucer. I think they're pulling Grandma's garters. Where are the Solid State wireless radios? I've lost track of everything since FDR died. Does Rush Limbaugh know about this? I'm going to ask this young man the same question five times.

Then they'll spend 40 minutes filling out a check or 10 minutes looking for exact change. Oldies love receiving the least amount of change possible; they think it extends their lifespans.

back to zzzzzzzzz

A Confession......

2009-12-09T17:37:00.002-06:00

This may not be easy for you to accept, believe, understand, etc.

But I do need to confess.

I, along with many, many, many, many, MANY, many other people.......

......have had sex with Tiger Woods........

If by "sex" everyone means "I saw him in that Buick commercial 12 years ago" yeah, I totally had sex with him.

And I think that's what everyone means by "sex" because there's no way he could have actual copulation with this many people and still have time for the golfing and the endorsements.

Yeah, I think "commercial watching" is getting confused with the ol' "wink-wink."

I Shan't Travel To Peru Anytime Soon.......

2009-11-20T18:05:00.002-06:00

Turns out some folks'll chop you up for your fat and sell it; but, a gang has just been busted, but who knows who else wants to get ahold of some of this gold waddling on two legs?

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/americas/11/20/fat.dead.humans.peru/index.html

Hey, Oprah announced the end of her talk show today. Her show will end on September 25th, 2011.

Almost two years from now.

Gee, do you think celebrities will drop by to extend their well-wishes? They better hurry. They only have.....two years......

Two years of remember-when and celebrating Oprah.

Until she moves to her own network.....with probably the same show......

I don't watch her show, but this will drag on and on.....marketing will have a field day........

I still got it.......

2009-11-19T11:12:00.002-06:00

The old joke goes:

"What's the secret of comed...?"

"Timing."

I would argue that it's mainly your audience.

Last night, this articulate and engaging young married couple walked into the department (PUT THE TISSUES AWAY.....It's not that kind of story...) and she said she wanted a copy of "The Wizard of Oz." I asked her if she wanted just the movie or if she wanted the super-deluxe gift set. She asked what was in the gift set and I replied, "Gifts, funnily enough."

She rolled her eyes and I showed her the display version of the gift set and the knick-knacks within and she asked how much it was and I told her how much and her husband picked up a copy of "The Shawshank Redemption" that just happened to be laying around and he said: "You could always get her this."

I said: "Yeah, but "The Wizard of Oz" has 75 percent LESS prison rape than "The Shawshank Redemption," so if you were wanting to watch something with Grandma over the holidays, I'd go with "The Wizard of Oz."

Huge laugh. Killed.

But they ended up buying just the movie-only version; they were articulate, but they were on a budget.

Breath of fresh air, these two. Sometimes I don't even bother with the jokes, but when I do, the other person looks at me like they were a Labrador and I was trying to teach them how to unlock the front door with a key.

Honestly, after the first dozen puzzled looks and "Do whut now?"s, you'd think I'd give up.

Example: I'm showing said bumpkin a CD, but there is also a Deluxe version of the CD. The Deluxe version usually has....well, pretty useless shit on there like bonus tracks or a DVD, but the Deluxe-ness, and this is important, IS SPELLED OUT QUITE PLAINLY ON THE PACKAGING.

Bumpkin is holding a version of the CD in each hand, looks back and forth at each one and asks: "Now.....whut's thuh diff'rence buhtween the reg'lur see-dee and thuh dee-lux?"

Me: "About two dollars."

Fuckwit: ".............."

And I can just tell that the old, obese hamster that's struggling on the wheel inside the hillbilly's skull has had a massive infarction and then I just say that the Deluxe version is the one that Glenn Beck wants them to have.....it reboots the system....and they can get on with their day of toepicking......

Maybe next time it would be easier if I just said that the Deluxe had more toppings.

The Light At The End of The Warp Conduit.....

2009-11-15T22:56:00.002-06:00

As of right now, I have about 10 episodes of "Enterprise" and 6 episodes of the animated Star Trek series to watch and I will have completed my goal of watching every single bit of every Star Trek show that has aired on the TV over the past 40 years. It would have been nice to have this completed on the day the 2009 Star Trek movie was released on DVD (two days from now), since it's what put the idea in my head to watch all of this stuff, but that doesn't seem likely at this point.

But when I get done, which will probably be by the end of the week, I'll start writing what I think about these two final shows and what I think about "Star Trek" in general and what I have actually learned from all of this.

I will preface all of this by saying, yes, it's possible that I could have spent my free time over the past six months or so doing something else more constructive and towards the benefit of mankind instead of watching a LOT of TV, but let's be realistic: If I wasn't going to watch Star Trek, I would have watched something else. And don't cast that first stone while you're watching "So You Think You Can Wiggle Your Ass In A Provocative Manner?" or "Thank God It's Fart Night" or whatever else is sweeping the nation at this moment.

In the meantime, please enjoy this Star Trek free video:

Oh, Seventies.........did you ever do anything cool?.........

Tonight.....

2009-11-04T22:31:00.002-06:00

I turned in early; around 9:30. I was sleepy and I had to get up early for woik.

And, I did what I usually do: I fired up the iTunes and put a comedy playlist on "Repeat" and I dozed off to one of my favorite comics.

Tonight's selection was Paul F. Tompkins performing at a Comedy-Death Ray function.

Pretty soon: zzzzzzzzzz.

To clarify, I'm not suggesting that Paul is boring or that his comedy will put you to sleep. He is very funny and I'm a fan. I just like going to sleep to something familiar and I listen to comedy cds all the time.

Anyway: back to "zzzzzzzz" and the phone rings.

It's Dad. He's just calling to say hey and talk about this past weekend and making plans for another visit to help with yard stuff. Chit chat.

And I don't pause the playback during the conversation; I just let it go because between my talking and Dad's talking, Paul is essentially murmuring......

.......until there is a pause in our conversation and a disembodied voice from within my apartment shouts out: "I KNOW WHAT I SAID!!!! I! SAID! I! WANT! TO! FUCK! A! BEE!!!!!!"

Dad: ........."What?"

Me (playing dumb): "What "what"? Oh, that must be the neighbor's TV or something......

This is one of those rare times when the truth is certainly not worth the trouble and the other party needn't know. His life would not have been enriched by the joke. He doesn't have an appreciation for this kind of humor.

On the other hand, if YOU need an explanation:

For the sake of time, I'm not going to type in the bit verbatim, but Paul said on Hollywood Blvd., there are stripper stores where strippers can buy sexy costumes like the sexy nurse, the sexy cop and the sexy French maid, but, in the window of one of the stores is a sexy bee outfit. A low-cut, mini-skirt black outfit with yellow stripes, little plastic wings and antennae.

And Paul mused, that if you are turned on by bees, this probably wouldn't do the trick. And he imagined a conversation a couple could have (He performed a little sketch is what he did.): A woman asking her dude what turns him on and the guy nervously replies that he's never told anyone this, but he wants to have sex with a bee.

So she goes to this store and she gets the bee costume, goes home, puts it on, waits for him to show up and he shows up....and the guy gets mad:

ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME?

NO.....I...I just wanted to make you happy....

I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE!

I.....I'm sorry.....I thought you said....

I DIDN'T SAY I WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN IN A HALF-ASSED BEE COSTUME......I KNOW WHAT I SAID!!!! I! SAID! I! WANT! TO! FUCK! A! BEE!!

It's a lot funnier when Paul actually performs it, trust me, but you asked......

Actually, you didn't, but.....um.....well, there it is.......

And again, you probably didn't need to know all of that, but....the info is available to you to do what you want with it.....so there......

Screw it. I'm going back to bed. Maybe Dad will call back while Louis CK is yelling at a "fucking cunt deer."

The weekend.....

2009-11-04T09:44:00.005-06:00

I took three days off this past weekend and visted my Dad. We hung out and had a nice time. On Halloween night, we ate frozen pizzas and watched "Young Frankenstein" and "Dracula: Dead and Loving It."

I don't need to go on about how "Young Frankenstein" is a classic, but I was surprised how much I enjoyed the Dracula. Made in 1999, it was the last film Mel Brooks made (one could argue "so far," but come on...), it wasn't well received critically or commercially, and when it was on TV, I didn't think it was that funny.

But I bought it because it was super cheap and it had a joke that I absolutely love, and I'll pay $7 for a good joke.

Van Helsing asks Dr. Seward if he has any books on the occult:

"Do you have 'Theory and Theology on the Undead'?"

"No."

"How about 'Vampire Hunting'?"

"No."

"How about 'Nosferatu'?"

"Yes!! We have 'Nosferatu'! We have 'Nosferatu' today!! It came in today's post..."

It's a great joke because it's a clever joke and a bad joke at the same time.

Peter MacNicol steals the show as Renfield; much like Marty Feldman as Igor in "Young Frankenstein." I really recommend the DVD because when you watch the movie on television, you have to suffer through the commercials and edited this and that and it's kind of like WORK because it's hard to enjoy bad jokes and a small production when you have 30 minutes of commercials to sit through/fast-forward/whatever.

It's not early Mel, but it still made me and my Dad laugh and that's good enough for me.

When we weren't yukking it up, I was channel-surfing. I don't have cable, so I don't have the opportunity to watch the hot shows and I'm not inclined to keep up with a lot of television trends. I knew that reality tv was cheap and it was cheap to make and it's dominated the airwaves, but I had no idea it's gotten this bad. Let me put it this way:

VH1 should just change its name to "The Whore Channel."

Discovery Channel should change its name to "Ghosts, UFOs and Made Up Shit"

History Channel should do the same as the Discovery Channel.....

Tru Life or whatever that "documentary" channel is should change its name to "Rapeytown." There are so many shows about prison and jail and everything that I don't know how anyone can watch one of those shows and not say: "You know, I'm going to do everything I can to stay out of jail. I'm going to live right and obey the law. If I'm ever falsely accused of something and I have to go to jail, I'm going to kill myself the first chance I get."

This Aryan Brotherhood dude was going on and on about how he used his ass to smuggle all sorts of stuff: drugs, cigarettes, knives. Yeah, he needed a knife, his visitor gave him a knife and he shoved it up his own ass. He then went to the Yard and was going to stab someone. He had some problems getting the knife out, but he got it out.

A knife. Up his own ass.

"Mr. Sims, you are under arr...OH, SHIT!!!!! .....blood everywhere......He REALLY didn't want to go to jail."

But as with all family gatherings, fun turns to tears. Dad, in the course of casual conversation, dropped this huge bombshell; just let it fly and I was stunned. Thank God I was sitting down. I couldn't even say anything for a few minutes and even then, I was saying things like: "Are you sure?" and "That can't be." You just don't expect that sort of thing to happen to you. You hear about it happening to other people as they get older, but you hope and pray it doesn't happen to you and your family.

My Dad thinks "According to Jim" is funny.

I KNOW!!! IT'S AWFUL!!! In hind sight, I should have seen the signs: Fox News, Jerry Clower, the gateway drug that is "Two and a Half Men".

I'm afraid he's too far gone and if I expose him to something that's actually funny, like Louis CK or Patton Oswalt, I'm afraid it would be a shock to his system and he would keep commenting that there was no need for all that profanity.....

I'm such an enabler. Please tell me it's okay.

Too-loo.

I would've thought that boob implants weren't logical....

2009-10-26T17:19:00.003-05:00

I'm watching the "Enterprise" and there's a hot mama on this show. The character is a Vulcan and her name is T'Pol. And, so far (halfway through the first season), she's the paragon of logic and non-emotion, as all good Vulcans should be.

But the logic of having a couple of saline bags crammed into your chest and wearing a catsuit is lost on me, a silly human.

Now, me likes boobings.....I'm just not a fan of fake boobings......work with what you got, is what I'm saying.....

Lift long and separate.......

These Are The Voyages Of The Voyagers Who Voyage on "Voyager".....Just Voyaging Around

2009-10-24T18:41:00.004-05:00

Okay, I have just completed watching...in its entirety....the FOURTH live-action Star Trek television show, "Voyager" and while it's not as consistently good as DS9, the show is very entertaining.

The premise: Captain Kathryn Janeway and her ship, USS Voyager, are on its first mission and they are in pursuit of the Maquis, a group of Federation homesteaders who refuse to give up their land and rights to the Cardassians under a new treaty negotiated by the Federation and the Cardassians. Voyager is about to apprehend a ship full of Maquis in a turbulent space anomaly when both ships are sucked 75,000 light years across the galaxy and dropped into the Delta Quadrant, completely cut off from Starfleet and the Federation. After they figured out what happened, and since there were casualties on both sides, both groups realize they have to stick together to survive the trip home, which could take 75 years at maximum warp.

Since this show doesn't have a cast of thousands, here they are:

Captain Kathryn Janeway: The captain, obviously. She has to keep it together and she decides to do so by continuing to live by Starfleet regulations and Federation laws, even though they are decades from home. She has her morals and her ideals and she sticks to them....most of the time....(I could swear a couple of times in the last season, she essentially said: "Eh, fuck it." a couple of times.). As far as the actual production goes, this is the first Star Trek show with a female captain as the show lead......so settle down, NOW......

I like Captain Janeway. She sticks to her guns and she doesn't put up with a lot of crap, but she is certainly a Mom to her crew. Picard, Kirk and Sisko all had an aloofness to them, but Janeway is more sensitive and has had more than one good cry with a crew member over a loss or a goodbye. She's not a weep monster or anything, but the other Capts. aren't as heart-on-the-sleevey. Does it make her weak? I don't think so. She can still kick ass when she has to. She's the momma bear protecting her cubs, I guess that's the best way to say it.

Commander Chakotay: He's the leader of the Maquis, but since Janeway's Second in Command was killed when Voyager was yanked, she made the political decision to let him be Number One. He's Native American and a little laid back. He doesn't get excited all that much over anything. He's a little staid and it's not a bad performance or anything by the actor; he's just kind of a calm in the middle of the storm.

The Doctor: Janeway's Chief Medical Officer was killed too, so the Emergency Medical Hologram, instead of being on for a bit now and then for emergencies, he has to be available 24/7 while they are in the Delta Quadrant. He's a little arrogant in the sense that Jon and Kate Gosselin are a little horrible. This is one of my favorite characters on the show. His episodes are very bipolar: Either very heavy, dramatically or very, very funny.

Lt. Be'lanna Torres: Hey, Janeway's Chief Engineer was killed too, (man, she is SO SCREWED...) so Torres, who is a member of the Maquis and half-human, half-Klingon, gets the job. She has a chip on her shoulder the size of two quadrants and she's hard to get along with.

Ensign Harry Kim: Poor dude. Does outstanding work in the seven years Voyager's fumbling around out there, saves the ship over and over.....and doesn't get a promotion. Super nice guy.....the actor that played him (David Wang....pronounced "Wong"....stop laughing....) is kind of stiff (...stop laughing, please..) in the first season or so, but he gets better as the show goes on.

Lt. Tom Paris: He gets paroled from jail in exchange for helping Voyager find the Maquis. Janeway's Chief Helm Person gets killed, so Tom is given the job. Good thing he's supposed to be the best pilot around. He's a touch smarmy, but it grows on you and Paris grows up a bit as the show goes on.

Neelix: He's a Talaxian, native to the Delta Quadrant. He looks like a rooster with a huge mullet (It was the mid to late 90s.) He ends up hitching a ride and becomes the ship's cook, morale officer and adviser to the Captain in regards to the different alien races in the previously unexplored Delta Quadrant. He's upbeat and chipper. He's annoying. But, you learn to like him.

Kes: She's Ocampan and Neelix's squeeze. She's one year old (her species lives nine years), looks like she's in her early twenties; very pixieish, but very wise. She also has some psychic, mind reading powers and other bloobity-blah. She leaves around Season 4 and is replaced by......

Seven of Nine: Formerly a Borg (long story, watch the show), she's separated from her collective, has most of her Borgyness removed and becomes a super-hot blonde searching for her humanity. Oh, and she has huge tits and wears a catsuit for three years.

Look at that!!!.....those.......I mean, REALLY........

She was one of the reasons why I never got into the show when it was first-run. Because I'm a sci-fi and comic book nerd, her image, on nerd websites, was impossible to ignore during the late nineties and I thought: Oh, for god's sake, they are so pandering!!! "Our ratings are down so let's get Jiggly in here and maybe the nerds who will never touch a woman will watch."

'Cause that's what Star Trek is all about, right?

Well, I have to give the actress credit: She actually pushes through and gives a consistently great performance. She's really good. Granted, the guys who open the doors have to be a little quicker when she approaches them, but still.....

But......there is no reason to have her in that catsuit......except for: BOOIINNNGGG!!!

Also, when she's around, 23rd century sensibilites or no, how all the dudes (and some of the girls, for that matter) don't get all Tex Avery Cartoon when she's around, I have no idea......AAA-OOOOO-GAAAA!!!

All right, enough of boobsTHAT...let's talk about my other favorite character on the show: Lt. Tuvok. He's Janeway's Chief of Security and he's a Vulcan, so he rocks; 'nuff said.

Okay, having got all of that out of the way, let me talk about the actual show. I was surprised how funny it could be, and it was funny a LOT. It had its share of the drama, the pathos, but I take back the comment I made a long time ago about how this show had a stick up its ass based on a couple of eps I had seen. The biggest problems I had with the show were that on a lot of episodes, it was like the writers realized they only had a few minutes left, so they better wrap this up by reversing the polarity of something, recalibrating the deflector dish, remodulating this or that and do something with tetryon fields.

The show's science advisor was throwing around a lot of fake science and in a lot of cases, it was the same stuff over and over, but when they had a time travel episode, I did like that they owned up to the fact that they (the characters) shouldn't try to figure out the inconsistencies and paradoxes of time travel; they should just go with it. That'll shut the nerds up.

Not really, but at least they knew that we knew we were going to complain.

There was some potential with having "cops and crooks" working together (Starfleet/Maquis) and there were a few episodes that dealt with the delicacies of the situation, but after awhile, everyone forgets about that and it's easy to think that everyone on board is 100% Starfleet. Maybe they were afraid of covering that ground too many times, or they couldn't think of a way to keep the tension up without a satisfying, realistic conclusion, but this plot point just seems like a lost opportunity.

Irony Alert: Probably the most glaring thing about the characters and their development is that the two characters who actually had an arc; who actually GREW as people were the artificial beings: The Borg (Seven of Nine) and the Hologram (The Doctor). In some ways, a lot of the other actors were cheated out of screen time; especially after Seven of Me-Yow showed up. The program could have been called "Seven Of Nine" what with all the screen time and stories she got (see picture above for at least two reasons why she was initially featured so much). Unfortunately for most of the cast, watching artificial characters OBTAINING their humanity is a lot more entertaining than watching characters who are actually human.

Sorry Chakotay and Kim: You were nice, dependable guys when you started.....and you were exactly the same when the show ended.

Let me wrap this up by saying that "Voyager" wasn't a perfect show, but I was rarely bored and often entertained and if a show can do that, then it's a good show in my book.

Hey, with "American Dance Off" and "My Shitty Family" on the air nowadays, "Voyager" is ahead of the game by leaps and bounds.

STATUS REPORT: I've started the fifth and final show "Enterprise" and then I'll come full circle by watching the "Star Trek: The Animated Series" (the cartoons from the 70s).

Live Long and Get Some Wink-Wink......

The Trek Continues To Deep Space Nine......

2009-10-23T11:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, to recap, around last May, I'd decided to watch EVERY episode of EVERY Star Trek show. Thanks to the new movie, my Trekkiness came out of remission and I re-watched the Original Series and The Next Generation and then I moved onto Deep Space Nine--a show I dismissed when it was first run because:

1) It was on at a weird time.
2) It took place on a space station, which probably wasn't going to travel at Warp Anything, what with it being stationary.
3) It was very serialized. I had tried to watch a couple of episodes over the years, but so much had been said before, I had no emotional investment in any of the characters, so I just couldn't get into it.

Also, on first impression, I just didn't like some of the characters: I thought Doctor Bashir was too arrogant and looked 17. I thought Major Kira was a pain in the ass and Ferengis were handled so badly in TNG, I hated them--HATED them, mind you.

Plus, I thought the science officer Dax was pretty, but she was also pretty boring.

Finally, the commanding officer of the station didn't want to be there in the first place, so he was kind of pissy-looking at first, and I didn't appreciate it.

But the hell of the thing is, I appreciate it NOW. I'm convinced that I was too young (early 20s) and too preoccupied with what I was going to do with myself to "get" the show; but now......oof.......I'm a convert. This show is fantastic.

The show is about right and wrong, war, ethics of war, deception, growing up, manning up, loyalty, religion, politics, fear, getting your hands dirty, regret, hope, frustration, sacrifice, elation, lying, lying, and more lying, love, laughing and lounge singing.

I guarantee that you won't feel like you're being talked down to while you are watching the show. If The Original Series was perfect for a six year old; this show is perfect for the six-year old when he's thirty-eight.

True confession time: I finished the series about two months ago and then I started watching "Voyager." I got caught up in that show and put off writing about DS9. As of right now, I'm four episodes away from finishing "Voyager" so I needed to get it in gear and write about DS9 before I share my thoughts on VOY as the nerds call it. Anyway, I'm saying this because as far as show quality goes, DS9 has more episodes that are great and less episodes that stink than TOS, TNG and VOY.

Yes, DS9 has a greater number of great episodes than even the Almighty The Next Generation. Come on, TNG's whole first season was a stinker, but DS9-The Name Means Quality.

All right, I'm not going to go into an exhaustive list about the show like I did with TNG, but........

"Deep Space Nine," in a nutshell, is about Starfleet Commander Benjamin Sisko who is assigned to be the administrator of a Cardassian space station orbiting the planet Bajor. For fifty years, Bajor was occupied by Cardassia and exploited for its mining resources. Following the success of a peace brokered by the Federation and by the efforts of the Bajoran Resistance, the Cardassians high-tail it back to their homeworld, but because a lot of Cardassians are sneaky, prideful bastards, they would like nothing better than to re-conquer Bajor.

Sisko's mission is to be the Starfleet presence and essentially keep the Cardassians from pulling shenanigans and assist the Bajorans in becoming part of the Federation. It's not a great assignment because he is dropped in the middle of a very delicate situation. The Cardassians don't want him there and there are a lot of Bajorans, including his second-in-command Major Kira, who don't want him there either because their feisty, scrappy and want to be independent, dammit.

Also, he has a young son he's raising by himself, so that's problematic at best as well.

So, everybody at the ass-end of the galaxy, especially those who have to work together, hates each other and then, during the first episode, An Amazing Discovery is made that manages to simultaneously make their existing problems worse and make their existing problems smaller.

Without giving too much away, the Federation may be a little too comfortable in thinking it's the top dog of the cosmos and Something Happens that make the Bajoran/Cardassian/Federation conflict look like a hair-pulling fight by three five-year olds.

Woof. The intrigue and the backstabbing.......juicy stuff............

Again, I'm not going to bog this down with long, detailed lists of essential episodes or character biographies; mostly because EVERY episode is important. This is a very serialized show and just about every episode builds on what happened before; particularly in character development and plot. And character biographies.....this show has a HUGE ensemble cast: You have your core characters, but there are these recurring characters that pop up all the time and I would be revealing too much of the plot if I did a character breakdown.

I will say that two of my favorite characters are Cardassians:

Garek: "I'm just a simple tailor." NO, YOU ARE FUCKING NOT!!! And absolutely no one on the show believes that shit.

Gul Dukat: This is the sneakiest and the bastardest of the Sneaky Bastards. Ooohh.....I just HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH.....GAAAAAHHHH!!! This guy: One of the all-time, great villains. Ever. And the actor who plays him, Marc Alaimo, why the hell he doesn't get more work is beyond me.

In later seasons, be on the lookout for an actor named Jeffrey Combs. He plays two different recurring characters and they are so different, you wouldn't know it's the same actor. He's awesome.

I've been gassing on about the story and the characters, but the LOOK of the show is beautiful; especially around season 3. I think it was shot with a different camera and the lighting is so warm, especially on the station---gorgeous.

All right. I'm done talking about it. You need to Netflix this bitch right now. You won't regret it.

"As Long As We Are Separate In That Number...."

2009-10-21T20:15:00.003-05:00

So today, this guy comes into the store and says, "I've been all over town and they said you have what I want."

PUT THE TISSUES DOWN.........it's not that kind of story...........

He worked for a funeral home and he was looking for a Canadian Brass cd with "When The Saints Go Marching In" and he needed it for a funeral that was going to start in 90 minutes and no other store had it, but one store said we did.

So I checked my computron and sure enough, we had it in stock......but I couldn't find it. It wasn't where it was supposed to be........somebody moved it and it's probably over in Bluegrass for all I know.

I check Ol' Beep-Boop for all cds with this song and there's one with a live performance with BB King. In my brain, I thought: Perfect. Hell, play this at MY funeral. I saved the day and I rock, on occasion.

But the guy said: "Well, normally that would work out okay, but I'm afraid that the family is racist, so they wouldn't appreciate it."

"............"

If this was "Scrubs," this would be the part where that needle-scratching-the-record sound effect would rip over the soundtrack.

Also, "Garden State" would try to pontificate about this and that, but this is my blog, so screw him.

Anyway, I snapped out of it, found an old Weavers cd, who were some folkies and, judging by the cover, very, very white and the guy bought the cd and zipped out the store.

So I didn't so much rock, as "folked."

Now, the guy I was waiting on; it's not his fault and he was slightly embarrassed by the whole thing, and he had to do his best to help HIS customers out, so I'm not going to pick on him.......

But my flabber is gasted because a loved one has died--gone and never coming back--but keepin' them coloreds away from themselves was still a high priority amongst the presumably grieving family/survivors. Jesus. So amongst the lamentations, the gnashing of teeth and ripping of the cloth, they're still focused on bullshit.

I would have loved to have heard the eulogy:

"Jim Bob Earl Bob Ray Jim Ray leaves his bride of fifty years, three children, eight grandchildren and one great-grandchild....He will be missed......mostly because he won't be able to perteck 'em from them niggers when they have their revolution. He always said that's why they all have nine children; so's they can build up an army and overthrow the good God-fearing white race...."

Again, with the "Jesus......."

"We're not gonna make it are we? People, I mean......."

When Mom died, the undead corpse of Anton LeVay could have performed the service and everyone who attended the service could have worn clown costumes for all I could have cared. All I was thinking about was: She's gone.....she's gone......and I'll never see her again........

sigh...........

NEW CORPORATE EDICT!!!!

2009-10-19T22:05:00.002-05:00

The word has come down from corporate: Instead of acting all "high-fallutin'" as one customer suggested to the Dullards..POWERS That Be, in order to increase sales I should identify more with a large portion of my customer base.

From time to time, I like to make announcements over our PA system to alert customers about the music department sale promotions.....and that we exist....so here's a first draft of an upcoming announcement:

Attention ************ customers,

The new Michael Bubble cd has been released and it's called Michael Bibble-Boo - "Crazy Love," so don't forget to pick up a copy of this new, highly-anticipated release from Michael Blah-Bleh. Michael Boo-Boo is a contemporary artist evocative of the vocal stylings of Fred Sinaptrap, Doc Martins and Harry Monster, Jr. Critics have proclaimed that Michael Beep-Boop was a pop force to be reckoned with since his self-titled debut "Michael Gnip-Gnop." And while you're here, don't forget to pick up copies of Michael Boom-Boom's "That One With 'Home' On it" and Michael Boogedy-Boogedy's "Why's This One So 'Spinsive?"

Yes, be sure to bring the musical talent of Michael Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo into your home this holiday season. Michael Boogie Down To The Ground: He may be a pale imitation of Ol' Twinkle Toes, but he's young and new and that's what's important, isn't it?

Tee hee.

Naked Old People!!!! And I Make A Nice Catholic Girl Flee The Premises!!!!

2009-10-13T01:17:00.002-05:00

....or as I usually call it: Saturday .......

Some friends of mine were having an all day horror movie marathon at their house this past weekend. What a great idea for busy people who don't have a lot of time to get a costume for a Halloween party: Just show up whenever during the day, watch some movies and eat. Genius in its simplicity.

I got to watch a good bit of Kubrick's "The Shining" and all of "Rosemary's Baby" and "The Exorcist." It's been 15 years since I've seen "The Shining." It's not something I can just pop into the player all the time for fun; it's one of the few horror movies that doesn't have an element of fun in it AT ALL. That Kubrick can compose a shot like a sonuvabitch, though, I'll give him that.

But one of the elements of not-fun in "The Shining" is the naked old lady in the hotel room. And not implied nudity; Great-Grandma doesn't have stitch on. Just....bleccch. I'm sorry, I'm well aware that I'm no prize myself, but I'm not the one that was naked in a major motion picture.

And in "Rosemary's Baby," there's a gaggle of old folks with no clothes on as well: Apparently, in order to have Satan manifest himself in our plane of existence to rape and impregnate a young girl, one (or in this case, several) has to be nude. Who would have thought that Ol' Scratch would have a kink. Clearly, Roman Polanski (the director) hates his audience.

While watching this scene, I wondered if the real-life irony of filming someone raping a young, drugged girl had been lost on Polanski.

Oh, yes.....I went there.

Later in the evening, as it was creeping towards midnight (more like 10:30), and everyone was getting drowsy and wondering why they couldn't stay awake 'till 3 AM anymore (jobs, old), it was decided to cut the evening short by one movie and we had to choose between "Halloween" and "The Exorcist."

I like "Halloween" OKAY, but there's more going on in "The Exorcist," so I voted for that and everyone else was non-committal, so we were going to watch that. I found out later that Nice Catholic Girl, who had never seen it (and as it turns out, will never watch it) left on the grounds of religious reasons and just didn't want to get wigged out. Eep. Well, too bad; she's missing out on a kick-ass flick.

You can approach "The Exorcist" from three different ways:

1) Evil is powerful and wins from time to time.

2) Evil is powerful, but ultimately loses.

3) It's just a movie.

I approach it from the "just a movie" tack; but I really like it because it's such a well-made movie--and it could have gone down the cheapy-exploitation-z-film path super-quick, but it didn't.

Hey, get me: I got to have a bit o' Halloween after all. I think I'll cap it off with "The Great Pumpkin" and as long as Lucy doesn't age 83 years and show off the more dangly bits, I think I'll have observed my Halloween traditions just fine.

Toodles.

Way to ruin Halloween, Stephanie Meyer.....

2009-10-09T03:50:00.002-05:00

Every October, I observe Halloween by watching my favorite horror movies all month long. Werewolves, zombies, Blue Collar Comedy (Zing!): I watch a lot of stuff and it ranges from the hokey-cheesy to the well-made and revered.

But this year, I'm still working my way through the Star Trek show canon and Stephanie Meyer has kind of worn me out on the things that go bump in the gay disco...NIGHT...sorry....

Yes, I've expressed my distaste for her "Twilight" series-you know, the books about vampires who sparkle and the human teenage girls that love them even though vampires are predators.....and werewolves are involved somehow.....and real teenage girls love these stories largely because it's fun to think a powerful, magical creature could fall in love and protect you like a princess....I guess.......-in earlier posts (man, that was a long aside), but I'm complaining about this again because, where I work, I'm surrounded by this crap everyday.

Twilight books, shirts, candles, car wax--if it exists in three-dimensional space, it can have the word "Twilight" slapped on it and sold at my store. And let's not forget the terminal-bedhead-image of actor Robert Pattinson, who has become the poster boy for Pasty, Constipated Douche. Enough already......

But it's not enough!!! No, if one thing is successful, then rip the hell off it!!!! I'm led to understand that there is a series of novels, again aimed at the young teens, call "The Vampire Academies"---where you go to learn how to be a vampire?

Yes!! Brilliant!!! It's not just ripping off "Twilight"; it's ripping off Harry Potter as well!!! I'm sure the author and the publisher won't burn logs for heat this winter; they'll just use money and cackle while doing it!!!!

What the hell do you learn in a vampire academy anyway? What's a syllabus for the undead?

"Masking The Smell of The Grave"

"All-Inclusive Prey or Fat Chicks Are Food, Too"

"There's a Lot at 'Stake' When You Come A-'Cross' a Vampire Hunter"

"Blade--(African-American studies)"---sponsored by a cultural grant; if they didn't have the course, they'd probably lose their academic standing.....or have an undead Al Sharpton raise a fuss.....

"Butch or Fey?"

"How To Kill Someone"--guest lecturer Christopher Lee

Zombies are making a big comeback, too. Over the past few years, there have been a ton of books and movies released about them. They used to be called the monster version of the "D" student, but it makes sense that they are more popular now than ever before and the big reason why is: They are EASY.

Try it. Stand up. Act like you just got out of bed after a fitful night's sleep. Moan and wear a blank expression on your face. Boom. Instant Halloween costume for the cheap/lazy.

Hell, the kids have been doing it on a daily basis for the past five years....AGAIN WITH THE ZING!!!

Seriously though, as our society gets stupider and stupider, it's nice that we can have something to identify with, isn't it? Sometimes, the groans of the undead would be preferable to hearing someone bray: "Y'all got that there new Michael Bubble-bloo cee-dee?"

Well, if I'm not going to watch a lot o' monster flicks, I'm going to put together a list o' recommendations for you so that maybe you can rise above all of this foo-fer-all and have a nice Halloween.

The Universal Monster Big Three: Frankenstein, Dracula and The Wolf Man with a shout-out to the ladies for The Bride of Frankenstein

Vampire: Near Dark, Fright Night and Columbia Pictures' Francis Ford Coppolla's Bram Stoker's Dracula

Werewolf: An American Werewolf in London, Dog Soldiers

Zombies: Night of the Living Dead (the original) and Dawn of the Dead (the original)

Ghosts and Demons: The Sixth Sense and The Exorcist with an honorable mention to Exorcist 3

Space Critters: Alien, John Carpenter's The Thing and The Day The Earth Stood Still (not really scary, but it's really good...the original, of course)

Big Critters: The original King Kong and Jaws

Nutjobs with Knives: Halloween, Psycho and A Nightmare on Elm Street--just the first in the series for all of these....actually Psycho 2 was okay.....

Comedy: Shaun of the Dead, Young Frankenstein, An American Werewolf in London

Campy: Plan 9 and The Howling and if it's got "Hammer" stamped on it somewhere, watch it. Actually, it's kind of hard to find a monster movie that's not campy. But, for a camp factor of nine, you MUST rent "The Paul Lynde Halloween Special." Lord......OH!!! How the hell could I forget "Rocky Horror"? Gayer than 17 gays on a gay boat.

And no Halloween would be complete without an unedited viewing of "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown." I don't mean "unedited" as in "they left the titties in"; I mean that since ABC has been showing it, they've sacrificed Snoopy's World War One's Flying Ace to sell more Big Macs, so you have to watch this on DVD.

Gotta go. I have to freebase some candy corn, so take it easy.

What's up with those nutty celebrities?

2009-10-02T10:38:00.002-05:00

From the wire.......

Kanye West and Lady Gaga are not touring together after all. It seems Mr. West has decided not to go on the "What the Fuck...?" tour; possibly because he's still recovering from being a jackass. It's just as well: Touring with RoboHooker probably would have done nothing for his macho image.

Hey, McCartney and Lennon never had to "sing" and shoot sparks off a metal bustier to get attention. That's all I'm saying.....

Actually, I have more to say......Ted Williams, baseball legend and by all accounts, super-nice guy, is also into cryogenics. Well, his head is anyway.....

When he died, he had his head frozen in the hopes that it could be revived in the future, but it looks like an employee at the cryogenic facility has made it a bit more difficult, because said employee has taken a few swings at Williams's head with a monkey wrench. Here's hoping there's lawsuits aplenty and the employee has the same wrench applied to his 'nads.

I didn't make any of that up, by the way.........

And finally, there's a civil war in Hollywood: How do you solve a problem like Roman Polanski? People like Martin Scorsese, Woody Allen, Debra Winger and Whoopi Goldberg are on the "forgive and forget" side, but Governor Arnold has declared that there will be no pardon for him. As an aside, I would have thought Woody Allen wouldn't want his name attached to "kid diddling" again, but there you go......

Here's a bit of perspective for you: If your child was raped, even if your child, decades later, wanted to forget the whole thing, would you be able to let the rapist go? You see, the thing about Law and Justice and all of that is that it's not just between the Plaintiff and Defendant, Prosecution vs. Defense--it's not just between two people---in a criminal case, it's between the accused and all of society....everyone in the community......

"Well, let's let him go.......he's made some kick-ass movies....." That is the modern equivalent of "Let them eat cake."

"Well, let's let him go.....he makes kick-ass burgers down at the grill....."

No one is EVER going to say that. That will never happen.

I understand if he's your buddy, or if you admire his work, but he's been accused of something that's pretty goddamn heinous and he has to face the music, otherwise you can add this to the huge pile of Social Injustice.

Hollywood!!!! Land of Class-Elite Jackasses!!!!

"We're not gonna make it, are we? People, I mean..."

2009-10-01T17:45:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I was standing by the entrance to the Music Department when a young man of about 11 years and his (pick one or more) uncle/Big Brother/Mom's boyfriend walked in and the kid noticed the huge portrait of Beethoven.

It's an image of Beethoven, holding a conducting baton, and since he wasn't a happy fellow, ever, the expression on his face looks like he just discovered his cat has sprayed all over his glockenspiel.

The kid, points at the image and asks his...whoever the hell was with him: "Who dat? Chucky?"

Sigh......

Let's break it down:

He doesn't know anything about one of the greatest musical composers.

But, he's familiar with a terrible, horror movie monster, and at the young age of 11 to boot!

Very depressing. And I'm not being all snobby, but it really looked like this kid doesn't know anything. Thanks, parents and schools!!

In five years, that kid's going to ask me if I want fries with that, or he's going to have more than a familiar relationship with the police.

Slipped through the cracks, indeed.

"Oh, Moneypenny......"

2009-09-20T21:36:00.002-05:00

"......be a love and get Bond on the line, would you?"

http://www.physorg.com/news172224356.html

I love how down in the comments/talkback for the original column is that it's a (somewhat....not really) serious discussion about alternative fuel sources and whether or not this will work, but NO ONE has brought up that this was the Maguffin in a Bond film or three.

No one, but THIS GUY.

Fuckin' A.

"Man, You Guys Sure Do Like To Fuck A Lot...."

2009-09-02T05:25:00.002-05:00

I think that's something an interviewer needs to point out to Jim Bob and Clown Car Duggar. They announced yesterday that they are going to have their 19th kid early next year and every time (I guess every year) they announce they fucked and it took, they say something like: "We feel truly blessed and we'll keep having kids as long as the Lord keeps giving them to us."

Actually, Jim Bob, you'll keep having kids with Two-Bedroom, Two-Bathroom, Seven Car Garage Uterus as long as you keep placing your penis inside her vagina.

I know that a decent person wouldn't wish anyone any ill-will, but I CAN'T WAIT for the day when at least one of the kids totally rebels and listens to the rock music and smokes and then runs away from home just to get some privacy. Then, the kid will write a tell-all book about how screwed up he/she is because he/she called one of his/her older brothers and sisters Mama and Daddy because that's who actually raised him/her.

Shit, man, I don't KNOW 19 people............

Anyway, enough with the fucking, Jim Bob and Bowling Ball Return For A Birth Canal Duggar.

Hey, I've Puking and Shitting All Day and I Have A Revelation About Women

2009-08-22T21:54:00.002-05:00

The title sez it all. I was sick like this back in March when I had to sit on the toilet for half the day and I had to make sure I took a Hefty bag in there with me for the vomitting whilst I shat.

Yeah. EAT IT, ERROL FLYNN!!!!!

God, Ewan MacGregor's character in "Trainspotting" had a better time.

So, I've been bathrooming a lot, but in my down time, I've been listening to Patton Oswalt while I've been trying to sleep.

Aside from his three CDs, he's on a couple of Un-Caberet tracks on iTunes that I've purchased and one of them is called "Nerd In Love" in which Patton talks about his future wife. And dammit, if the little hobbit doesn't sound happy for the first time in his life.

He said (this was recorded a few years ago) that a nerd knows he's in love if he's standing in line at the movies and he hasn't seen "Terminator 3" yet and he looks down at his hand, and he sees he's holding tickets to "Legally Blonde 2" and he doesn't care.

Nerd: "Hey, have you seen 'League of Extraordinary Gentlemen' yet?"

Nerd In Love: "No, but 'How To Deal' was wonderful. Mandy Moore just lights up the screen...."

He said that on one of their first dates, they went to see the director's cut of "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly." She got bored twenty minutes into it; he said, with no acrimony, "Well, let's go. We'll do something else."

That is love. If it was me and if I didn't love the person, I would have made them stay or grumped about leaving the movie or something. But if I loved the girl, then hell, yeah, we would have gone.

And that's helped me make sense about why I'm still single: I love my nerd things more than any woman I've met so far. I love laying around watching Star Trek, or MST3K or Monty Python or whathaveyou more than getting up early on a Saturday morning and going shopping with her and her mother. I love listening to stand-up CDs instead of Lady GaGa or Colbie Whatsits.

I love my stuff and every other thing I do more than people!!

And I've told myself, "Well, I'd just have to find someone who likes to lay around and watch MST3K or likes standup as much as me and you know what? That's very limiting, but I can still turn the challenge around to someone else.

I'll keep with the Star Treks and the ha-has, but ladies, the glove is thrown down to you: Do you have the charms to make a dyed-in-the-wool huge nerd to change how he's lived for the past 38 years AND HAVE HIM DO SO HAPPILY?

Do you have the balls? And I mean, metaphorical balls, not real balls; Nerdsly don't swing that way.

Can you make me give up DVDs? Can you make me lose weight? Can you make me get off my ass? Can you change my life and make it stick?

The clock is running.......

I like Patton Oswalt!! I don't like Eli Roth!!!!

2009-08-21T11:27:00.003-05:00

The other day, as I was biting puppies in half (Read the previous post, but the best part is the howling.), I checked the old iTunes, on which I've run up enough debt to make a lovely down payment on a car, and sake's alive!!!! Patton Oswalt has a new album: My Weakness is Strong.

Patton is my favorite stand-up and over the years he's released three CDs and you can see how much his skill has developed and improved over the years as you listen to each one. He was a great comic when he recorded "Feeling Kind Of Patton" and he'd been a working comic for almost 20(!) years, but his material and his crowd command is more sophisticated in his other two albums.

Anyway, he kicks ass and what you need to do is download the following two tracks off of "My Weakness is Strong": "Rats" and "Orgy." God, if I could write like that.....well, I guess I'd have his career....but anyway, he's a funny young swain.

Switching gears, I'd like to go see the new Tarentino film, but I don't know how much Eli Roth is in it. I don't like him. I've never seen his movies "Dead Deads" or "Hostel" or "Hosteler" but they sounded absolutely dreadful. I saw him act in "Death Proof" and I had the strongest impression that he wasn't acting all that much. His big scene was conspiring with his fellow Bro about how they were going to go off with the girls and fuck 'em. And it sounded so creepy and....predatory. And the thing is, these kinds of conversations take place in clubs and bars all over the world, but that doesn't make it less creepy. I hate games and plotting and strategy and ritual and all that shit: If you want to fuck, then go fuck. If you don't, then don't. It's more honest.

Anyway, I don't like Eli Roth. And he's all over the trailer and he's doing press for the film. If he's not in it that much, then fine, but if he is.....eh.

"The E-Mail Capture" by John Le Carre

2009-08-18T01:45:00.004-05:00

People can get paranoid about stupid things. My parents always unplugged the TV (Dad still does.) everytime they were getting ready to leave the house because someone told them, back when men were walking on the moon, that your TV could just ignite. And I can't remember if it was a "for no reason" scenario or if they were thinking: "Well, if the banks could all fail when we were growing up, then why can't a TV explode? Let's deprive ourselves of one fun aspect of TV ownership and convenience. It will build character, even though we are in our seventies."

Also, people will get militant over their hate and disgust over small annoyances......

"Whoa, wait a minute, Fatsy. That is the butter if your blog is the bread. You, sir, are a hypocrite."

Hell, yeah. Here's something for you: If I was there when Jesus made His point about stone-casting, I totally would have conked that whore on the noggin. I would have left a gaping wound that would have rivaled the size of her shuttlebay. Years later, people would still whisper after her: There goes Ol' Snatchface.

So it is amidst this atmosphere of stupidity and aggravation in which I am instructed to ask customers for their email addresses whenever possible; as long as it doesn't interfere with rending puppies in twain with my mighty jaws in accordance with my recently outed-evilness (see earlier entries).

When we ask for your email (clearly it's a marketing tool), it's put in our databanks and computrons (beepbeepboop) and we'll send you emails about special promotions and events in the store and let you know when your order is in or if there's a problem with your order and send you coupons and so forth. And (this is very important) we won't sell it to a third-party, so if you're getting emails about dick embiggening pills or "hott horzny sloots wan to make the fok with you pppeniss" then we are not to blame.

But a lot of folks don't buy it and they just don't want to hear it. They've been burned before by the tig ol' bitty sites or they've heard about how you can have not only your identity stolen from spam, but some guy in Hungary is just sitting around, waiting to take ownership of their souls. Fox News said so, so it's got to be true, you liberal faggot.

My experience with this email project has met with varying degrees of success. At the register, I ask: "Email address?"---and some people give it without hesitation and others say they don't have one (they will die first when the Quickening commences) and others say they don't want to give it out.

If you don't want to give it, fine, but if you're really concerned about identity theft, I've got news for you: You're probably not that interesting to begin with. And if you just think I'm a fucking liar and you're afraid of getting spam, then all you have to do is ignore it and delete it. A couple of clicks and baboom....it's gone.

You are not Slaying Any Dragons or Sticking It To Anybody or Sending The Liberal Jews A Message by just saying no to spam.....mostly because there is no spam with us. I don't care what O'Reilly says: You're not the true heroes if you watch his show. I think you're being a massive pussy by implying that you can't handle a click or two. Take a stand for something that's actually important, is what I'm trying to say.

What's truly baffling is that I'll ask "Email address" and sometimes I'll get their home address; then I'll say, no, no...you're email address....then they'll say: I don't want to give that out.

They are perfectly willing to give probably one of the largest and hairiest guys they've ever seen THE ACTUAL LOCATION WHERE THEY SLEEP AT NIGHT AND WHERE THEY KEEP THEIR VALUABLES AND DAUGHTERS, but not their email....."No, I don't want to take three seconds to delete an email. Feel free to drop by and rape away, though......"

Now, most people are kind of polite with their assery, but last week, there was this lady and we were getting along fine and otherwise conversing pleasantly, but as soon as I asked if she had an email address, she said:

"Not for you."

And she had an edge in her voice that sounded like she had a story to tell:

"Years ago, Email comes riding over the hill on a horse as black as the inside of Satan himself. Email was heading towards Daddy's farm with two six-shooters strapped to his hips and vengeance in his heart. Daddy always said that he was just following Sherman's orders when Atlanta burned and he told Email and Email's family to leave their farm before they got hurt. Email's wife was inconsolable and begged and pleaded with Daddy. She grabbed his leg, crying and begging. Daddy stood her up and pushed her away. She stumbled and was unable to regain her balance.....she fell and her head struck the side of a rock......she died from fluid on the brain.........Email swore that day that he would find Daddy, no matter how long it took him, and make Daddy and all that was his, suffer.........Yes, Email was coming........and he was bringing all the Hosts of Hell with him........"

Now, when we were told to start doing this, we were told it would just take an extra couple of seconds and everyone can move on. And that's true.......but only if someone has an uncomplicated email address like "johndoe@yahoo.com" or something.

But some people have realized that they have absolutely no control over their own lives, but they can sure as hell choose their email address and make it as personal and unique as their DNA......

So every once in awhile, I ask for an email address and I get something like:

"Fluffybouncysexybunnykitten847363992flintstonecar7821hogansheroes2000@uark.edu.com.bel.biv.devoe.ar.gov"

And the customer, who had been speaking as slowly as an Arkansas can speak up to that point, decides to say it superfast--but at least after they say it, they're helpful by adding:

"'Fluffy' has 5 'f's, all of the 's's are actually 'z's and all of the numbers that are divisible by '3' should be inverted."

And sometimes, the address can be VERY personal, and yes, I'm looking in your direction "Ihavetheherpesandtheyitchsomethingawful2000@gyahoomsncnnuamsgoogle.edu.fbi.nbc.tng.ds9.voy.tos.ent.net"

So in conclusion, when register jockeys ask you for your email, the chances are pretty good that they just do it because they're told to and they can be just as uncomfortable about it as you can be, so let's not make this more complicated than it had to be, 'kay?

I'm so deluded....we LIVE to complicate things......

Robert Sims---'Tard Wrangler!!!

2009-08-14T20:28:00.003-05:00

The thing about interacting with the public, is that you have to interact with the Public.

And yes, I accidentally typed "pubic" twice in the previous sentence; before corrections were made, of course.

Anyway, I wish all of my customers were well-educated and intelligent, hygenic, knew exactly what they wanted, had money and bought things and were polite.

And some of them meet this criteria in every way, but a lot of them don't. I'd settle for just intelligent and polite for a lot of them, but that's a wish for the Genie. No, I'm afraid that a lot of them are loud, obnoxious, unobservant mouthbreathers who don't believe a word I say.

And it's really starting to piss me off...........

Let me say from the get-go: I AM NOT TRYING TO RIP OFF ANYONE. I don't have any control over the prices. If you don't want to purchase it from me, fine. That is your right and privilege as a consumer in this country. Good luck finding it somewhere else, or, for that matter, finding someone who is willing and able to help you. I'm well aware that there are two stores within throwing distance of my store and yes, they may have some things that are less expensive than my store, but don't rub it in my face. Just get back in your car, drive over there, wander around for 20 minutes, then try to find a sales associate for another 10 minutes, then have them find someone who can help you since the sales associate won't be able to help you, then begin regretting that you didn't spend the extra three dollars at my store and save all of this time and frustration.

I KNOW, BY AND LARGE, WHAT I'M DOING. I have worked at this store for six years. I know how to look things up. I know how long it usually takes for something to get in. I know how to find things in the store. I even know the difference between CDs, DVDs and Blu-Rays, which is something a significant portion of the population of Central Arkansas doesn't know. Hell, a lot of you old hillbillies still want fuckin' tapes.

AT MY HOUSE, I DON'T HAVE A TV CABLE SYSTEM, RABBIT-EARS OR A SATELLITE: So no, I didn't watch that thing on PBS over the weekend that you loved, but you couldn't be bothered with remembering what it was called. And you know what? Just because it's on PBS doesn't automatically mean it's good. Especially if "celtic" is in the group name.

I HAVEN'T NECESSARILY WATCHED OR LISTENED TO THE THING YOU LIKE: I've seen a lot of movies, TV shows and I've listened to a lot of different music genres. I'm not up on the modern music as one would like, largely because due to personal taste, I think a lot of the indie bands and pop musicians of the day, suck. Really, a lot of them are just awful. And a lot of it is because I'm over 35, and I'm sick of hearing someone younger than me whining about his or her problems. I'm much too busy whining about my own, thank you.

But my point is, I haven't seen everything. Shout out to Junior Leaguers: I am not married to a rich man, nor am I obssessed with liking the same things my friends like in order to maintain a certain social status so we probably have different cultural tastes, so for the last fucking time: I have not watched "Mamma Mia."

I don't think I look THAT gay, so stop asking me that.

AND WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MANNERS: If there are other people in the department, then the chances are really good that I'm looking up something for someone, even though I am not talking to them, or near them, at that moment. The presumption that I'm not busy or working really bugs me, so an "Excuse me, are you helping someone?" will go a long way.

AND WHY ARE YOU FREAKING OUT?: I've had people come through the archway with an expression on their face as if they are in Germany in the early 1940s and I'm leading them to the showers. Just calm down and take it all in. It's just CDs and DVDs. Fuck!!! If you don't know how to read, we'll help you find what you want. "G" still comes before "H"....it's going to be all right.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD STAY HOME: If you are actually crazy, retarded, autistic or have a condition in which you need to have some sort of handler or you have complicated medical devices that gross everyone out.

"You monster...."

Oh, and I suppose you were all right with watching a severely autistic kid nearly beat the shit out of his dad that one day, or you weren't one of the many people who clear out when groups that work with retarded kids take a field trip to the store. Or you are perfectly comfortable watching an old man putter around wearing a helmet and peeing in a bag that dangles between his knees.

"But they can do anything......"

No, they can't. I'm sorry, but they can't. They can't take care of themeselves. A lot of them will need to be cared for for the rest of their days. One of the characteristics that separates us from the crueler forces of Nature is our compassion. If this was "the wild," these poor individuals would not survive. It is noble for people to want to help the legitimately helpless, but I don't want to. I just want to sell shit to people who will buy shit. I'm not interested in helping special people feel special; especially when they never buy anything.

Again, with the "You monster...."

Don't call me that unless you actually help them. Don't call me that if you've never rolled your eyes at them when you've seen them.

But what do I care? That's the great thing about not caring: I don't care.

I didn't use to be this mean. But I'm REALLY starting to like it........

Ta. And "special thanks" to Tuck for "Tard Wrangler"......

Just a bit on "Deep Space Nine".......

2009-08-12T19:34:00.002-05:00

In previous posts, I referred to the Trek shows AFTER the Original Series as having a metaphorical stick up there collective hinders; in particular "Deep Space Nine" and "Voyager."

I haven't watched "Voyager" yet, but I'm wrapping up the third season (out of seven seasons) of DS9 and I have to tell you that "Deep Space Nine" is REALLY good. Whereas TNG had a rocky first season and really didn't hit their stride until the third season, DS9 has been consistently great from the beginning.

It hasn't been PERFECT; there was that one episode that was a ripoff of "Brigadoon," but the writer himself has been quoted calling himself a moron for pitching that story idea.

It's serialized and there are very few episodes that are "stand-alones," so it's one of those things that you'll have to watch from the beginning, but it'll draw you in. Political and military skullduggery and strategy, cloak and dagger this-and-that, religious issues.....the first couple of seasons sets everything up and then the third season gets a-going.

Gene Roddenberry had a reputation for wanting his version of the future to be perfect: everyone got along and was working for the Common Good and had been doing so for years before the first episodes of the Original Series and TNG had taken place.

So the utopia is taken for granted and that doesn't make for interesting television.

However, on "Deep Space Nine," everyone starts out either hating or, at best, barely tolerating each other and what's rewarding about the stories is that you will see sworn enemies becoming friends. You actually SEE how it's possible that people who would rather die than stand in the same room with an enemy can learn how to work and to live with said enemies....and to forgive.

It's not the destination; it's the trip that makes it a great show.

Plus, how can you not love a show after you learn THIS? According to the Star Trek Wiki "Memory Alpha," during a drinking scene, Chief O'Brien and Doctor Bashir are singing "Jerusalem" (".....and did those feet.....in ancient times....walk upon England's mountain green......") only because the show couldn't get the rights to:

"Louie, Louie"
"Rocket Man"
and "Space Oddity"

It's just as well; I probably would have shat myself if I heard "....Ground Control to Major Tom...." but "Rocket Man" would have been perfect since Old Bill "sang" it back in the late 70s.

I realize I haven't really brought the funny to this blog in awhile, but I got tired of complaining about work. It seems like you write one story about a bad customer, you've written them all; but I am trying to put together something about a couple of, shall we say, "demographics" but it's difficult because I'm trying to avoid sounding like a monster. Don't worry, it's not racist or sexist or sexualist, but it can be looked upon as heartless.

Anyway, like everyone else, my life is far from perfect and right now, but I'd rather write about something I'm excited about....even if it's just some old TV shows.....

So there.

....To Make A Commitment To Watch What I've Watched Before...

2009-08-06T21:45:00.002-05:00

"Or.....Don't Worry......I'm Not Going To Start Wearing A Star Trek Costume....."

It all started with the new Star Trek movie...........

For funsies, I rewatched the entire Kirk/Spock series in the weeks leading up to the new film. I've already yakked about that show in earlier entries, so please feel free to read those for background.

Then I saw the film. About four or five times. Twice because I enjoyed it and the other times because amongst my married friends, I'm the guy people call when their spouses don't want to go to Geek Movies and they hate going to movies alone.

I really enjoyed the film, but after the fourth time, even I was thinking: "Can't we go see 'Up'?"

Regardless, I was bitten by the Trek bug once again. A bug that hadn't visited me since about a year after college. That was when "The Next Generation" ended. I had seen every episode and when the show was over, I was done. And it wasn't our of spite; I was just through and ready to move onto other things.....like NOT watching TV.......

But there were Star Trek shows after (and during) TNG's run: Deep Space Nine, Voyager and Enterprise. And I didn't watch either of them for various reasons. Deep Space Nine was too serialized. You really couldn't jump in anywhere and watch and know what was going on. Voyager was VERY full of technobabble, several characters weren't interesting and halfway through the show's run, they hired an actress with a huge rack....bigger boobs.....bigger ratings. And out of these shows, Enterprise was the one I kept up with the most, but even my interest fizzled after the first season.

That was then.....this is NOW.........

I gave myself a Summer Project. I resolved myself to watching all of the Star Trek shows. ALL of them. Hundreds of hours of stories. It's definitely not the most altruistic way to spend your free time, but the flip side is: It's hard to get into trouble when you're watching Star Trek.

I started with The Next Generation. That was the one of the two shows I've seen in its entirety, but the last episode I watched was the series finale back in 1994. Been awhile.

I did, however, remember that the first season was terrible. Even through the eyes of a 16 year old me. And I think it got worse through my 38 year old eyes. Hell, even the show runners thought it was awful. After doing a bit of research, they were so pressed for time to go into production, they recycled rejected scripts from the Original Series and from the "Phase Two" television project that never got off the ground. "Phase Two" ended up being the first Star Trek movie.....

Digressing......anyway, season 1 stank because the scripts were bad and a lot of the writing staff were carry-overs from the old show....from 20 years earlier....."Gene, I'm going to work on the script later....I'm going to have some Moxie and lie down."

So in the following seasons, a lot of those writers were let go and young blood was brought in and a great thing happened: Instead of having each episode have the crew go from one exotic location from week to week, the episodes became about DEVELOPING THE CHARACTERS. Backstory, bits of history, biographical information and personal growth. What happened in one episode may have ramifications a few episodes or seasons down the road. Nothing devastating....it just made the stories RICHER.

It warms the cockles to watch the development of the Worf character; someone who is torn between his Klingon heritage and his obligations to the Federation. It's interesting to watch Data attempt to understand humanity and, for that matter, to watch Picard, a human, to BECOME more human as the show progresses.

"Who?"

Okay......

Captain Jean-Luc Picard is....the captain of the Enterprise-D. He's more open to negotiations and non-violence than Captain Kirk, but he'll kick ass if he has to. Also, ladies, I've been told his speaking voice could be canned and sold as Panty Remover, so enjoy!

Commander William T. Riker is the First Officer and second in command. He's a tall dude who leads the away team missions and is really supposed to be kind of a call back to Kirk's rootin-tootin' and womanizing ways with less of the ham. He has an on-again, off-again relationship with.....

Deanna Troi. She is half human/half Betazoid and is the ship's Counselor who gives the crew insight on, say, a new alien species, or an old enemy, courtesy of her empathic abilities. She's also a shrink.

Data: He is an android and is one of a kind. He can go toe-to-toe with Spock in the smarts department. Since he's a machine, he has no emotions, but he wants nothing more than to be human. Dumbass.

Geordi Laforge: Early in the show, he was the helmsman, but he ended up being the Chief Engineer of the ship. He's also blind, but can see courtesy of an electronic device called a VISOR. His high-tech VISOR? In real-life, it's a 50 cent hair clip.

Dr. Beverly Crusher: She's the Chief Medical Officer and easy on the eyes. Hubba hubba. She also has a kid, but more on him later......

Tasha Yar: She was the Chief of Security during most of the first season until that job went to....

Worf: The first Klingon to serve in Starfleet. You gotta problem with that? Hey!! Sometimes, he does too......

Anyway, what I love about the show is watching a group of people work together to overcome the problem(s) of the week. There have been a lot of jokes and comments about Kirk leading with his hoo-hoos and Picard is too much with the talky-talk and the meetings, but there's something warm and fuzzy about Picard's leadership style: He's surrounded himself with the best people in their fields--when a crisis comes up, he asks them questions that help in the resolution--they give him the best answers they can and give him several alternatives---he considers their recommendations, trusts their expertise and tells them to (wait for it) Make It So.

That is awesome!!!! No micromanagement. Everyone is trusted to do their jobs and the big boss doesn't meddle unless a brand new problem comes up at the last second and Picard has to make some command decisions on the fly.

What I don't like about the show is the condescending attitude the characters have toward some basic human emotions and activities: "You see, we've evolved beyond the need for money, wealth or possessions. We used to have barbaric wars and slaughter each other mercilessly."

"Yes, and what are these phaser-things again? You commie!!!"

Okay.....problems of the week.......

Usually, though, the Problems of the Week are variations of:

1) The ship is in trouble/not working and everyone is about to die.

2) A crew member (or members) is/are possessed by an alien entity; stirring up some shit and everyone is about to die.

3) A primitive culture is in trouble or causing trouble and the crew is (are? what's the rule here?) hand-tied by the Prime Directive of Non-Interference....or are they? Not really. By the end, they squeak by on a technicality, but not before everyone is about to die.

4) "Sir, the Romulans/Cardassians/Borg/Ferengi/(and sometimes) Klingons are off the starboard bow and charging up weapons." And everyone is about to die.

5) Deanna Troi's mother shows up and everyone (including the audience) wishes they could die.

6) Something is wrong with the Holodeck--most likely some of the holograms have become real and dangerous and--well, I guess this should go under 1, but it seems like there's a couple of episodes a season in which this happens. Seems like after the third crewman gets killed, Picard would order the thing turned disconnected and get a couple of XBoxs for the ship. Fewer people have died while playing NCAA 10, is what I'm trying to get at here......

"So do I need to watch every episode or can I pick and choose?"

Well, as awful as the first season is, it still lays the groundwork for the characters and their development. Season 2 gets a LITTLE better, but afterwards, that when it begins to rock, but for those of you who don't have tons of free time, here's a list of eps me likes and me hates:

SEASON 1--

LIKES:

"The Big Goodbye"--Picard gets to cut loose in a holodeck simulation based on a series of 1940s gumshoe novels, but the shit eventually gets real.

"Datalore"--An exploration into Data's background and as it turns out, he has an evil twin brother. Evil Data (Lore, actually) turns up about once or twice a season after this episode, so this is kind of a key episode.

"Symbiosis"--Star Trek explores contemporary drug problems!! Planet A is strung out on what Planet B has to offer and Planet B is all "Hey, we just helping them out, Bitch." Picard is not convinced.......The metaphors, and for that matter, some of the acting, are/is not models for subtlety, but I thought it was the first episode that was the best example of taking a contemporary issue and swallowing it with a bit of the science fiction sugar to make it go down better. This last metaphor was vaguely dirty. Sorry 'bout that....

DOESN'T LIKES:

Everything else about Season 1. Woof. Especially "Justice." Yeesh. Words fail me. Also, this whole season was shot in the late 80's so the dames have the Poodle Hair.

Oh!! And "Skin of Evil". Someone dies (doesn't want to be on the show anymore) and dies stupidly. However, you have to watch this episode before you watch Season 3's "Yesterday's Enterprise."

Crap!!! How could I forget "The Naked Now"? This was a remake of "The Naked Time" episode from the Original Series in which a virus gives the crew the symptoms of intoxication and the ship is in danger and everyone is going to....well, you know....And the virus affects Data!! How the hell does a biological virus affect a robot, for Christ's sakes? (Answer: It can't. The writers just weren't thinking or hoping WE weren't.) That's like me not using the toaster when I have a cold because I'm afraid it'll catch my cold.

SEASON 2--

There's a new doctor who all the fans (except me) hate. New doc's only crime, as far as I could tell, is that she's not as hot as the old doc.

LIKES:

"A Matter of Honor": Riker's given something to do and participates in an officer exchange program onboard a Klingon ship. Nice episode exploring Klingon culture.

"The Measure of a Man": Is Data an actual lifeform? Is he Starfleet property? For me, this is the beginning of the humanization of Picard and the first indication that he's passionate and interesting (wrote the writer as he tee-heed girlishly). Awesome speech Picard has at the end: "We're to seek out new life. Well, Your Honor--There. It. Sits. And he's waiting on you to make a decision....."

"Q Who?": "......to seek out new life and new....WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" The all-powerful entity Q introduces the Enterprise crew to The Borg. This episode has ramifications on every Star Trek show and movie afterwards.

DOESN'T LIKES:

The absolute worst episode of The Next Generation is the season ender and the reason why it's bad is because it's a clip show. Riker gets gets in a coma and to keep him alive, Dr. Pulaski makes him dream about his experiences aboard the Enterprise. Good times, bad times, you know that I don't care......especially since this is obviously the result of contractual obligations and the budget has run out. Clip shows......laaaaazzzeeeee.......

SEASON 3:

Okay, here we go......this is the season in which they hit there stride and the episodes are consistently good. Also, hot doc is back and Ronald "Battlestar Galactica" Moore joins the writing staff at the start of his illustrious career.

LIKES:

"The Ensigns of Command": Data has to tell some colonists to amscray because the rightful owners of the planet are a-coming and they don't take kindly to trespassers. But, the colonists refuse to leave and Data has to figure out how to convince them to split without giving them the smackdown since, you know, TALKING about it and being reasonable didn't work. You can talk, or you can kick ass......or you can find something in between.......

"Who Watches The Watchers": Picard. Is. God. At least that's what a primitive off-shoot of the Vulcans seem to think when one of them is beamed back to the ship to save its life after Dr. Crusher shits all over the Prime Directive and Proto-Vulcan catches a glimpse of Picard ordering people around. Things snowball into Worse before they get Better.

"Yesterday's Enterprise": An alternate timeline is created when an earlier Enterprise is brought into the future and things aren't going to work out unless that Enterprise is destroyed and a specific crew member dies. Again. It ain't easy being Tasha Yar.......

"The Offspring": Data gets involved in some babymakin'; in that he actually constructs a robot daughter for himself. It's kind of a quasi-sequel to "The Measure of A Man" and it adresses the same issues, but Lal is adorable. Looks like a girl I had a crush on in high school........

"Sins of the Father": Key Worf episode that delves deeper into Klingon culture.

"Sarek": I loves me some Vulcans and you don't get more Vulcany than Spock's dad. He's on his last diplomatic mission, but he's suffering from the Vulcan version of Alzheimer's and it's affecting the whole ship. Picard has to swoop in and let Sarek mind-meld with that bald melon in order to save the day.

"The Best of Both Worlds Part 1": The first real cliffhanger of the show. The Borg start swinging their collective dicks around, most of Starfleet's ships get destroyed and Picard is captured, assimilated and becomes Locutus. In the last five seconds of the show, Riker fulfills the wishes of most employees and realizes that he has to destroy his boss.....

To Be Continued......

DOESN'T LIKES:

Hm. I was looking at the episode list to refresh my memory about each season, but I don't remember disliking a particular ep this season. If I had to pick one, it'd be the Star Trek version of "Hell in the Pacific"--"The Enemy." Geordi and a Romulan are trapped on a planet and have to work together to survive.....and it's only bad because it rips off a movie premise......

SEASON 4:

LIKES:

"Family": After the Borg incident, the Enterprise returns to Earth and various crew members reunite with their families--including the captain. No matter how bad things get, you have your family....for better or worse.....

"Brothers": Data is reunited with HIS daddy....and Lore shows up.....in every family, there's always that one relative who ruins get-togethers.......

"Reunion": Worf's a baby-daddy. Nothing else needs to be said......

"Final Mission": Wesley Crusher goes on one last mission with Picard before Wes goes off to Starfleet Academy. A little background: Wes, amongst most of the fans (but not me.....he was just a kid, for chrissakes...), was a reviled character because he was a Boy Genius who got the Enterprise out of countless scrapes. The nerds hated Wesley because he was such nerd. Oop. Better get a mop for all of the Irony that spilled all over the floor. This was the character's last episode as a regular cast member and it's actually really good. The big theme is making your dad proud. Even if it's a surrogate dad-figure who's bald and is your commanding officer. The last 20 minutes can getcha right here (I'm pointing at my heart....)........

"Clues": The crew of the Enterprise is too smart for its own good........and I can't say anymore without revealing a surprise or two.....no matter how unintentionally hilarious it is.....

"First Contact": You've seen "ET," right? Well, imagine if Elliott brought home a 9 foot tall bearded man named Riker instead.....I've made it sound ridiculous, but it's actually really good, clever and there are some funny bits in it.

"Redemption: Part 1": Worf's going home to kick some ass....'nuff said....

HONORABLE MENTION:

"The Host" and "The Wounded": These episodes introduce major players in the "Deep Space Nine" series.

DOESN'T LIKES:

If I had to pick a specific one, again it's a movie rip-off and the movie in question is "The Manchurian Candidate." The episode is "The Mind's Eye"--a Laforge episode--sorry, Levar.....

SEASON 5

LIKES:

"Redemption Part 2": Worf continues kicking ass.

"Darmok": Picard has to learn how to communicate with an alien race that speaks only in metaphor. The importance of using language and finding understanding between two different peoples was beautiful. The "Arena"-Gorn ripoff from the Original Series almost derails everything.

"Ensign Ro": She's sassy, that one. And Bajoran. Extra points for the future ties to "Deep Space Nine."

"Unification Parts 1 and 2": Spock. That's all I gots to say......

"The Outcast": Riker gets involved with a member of an androgynous society. In short, Star Trek talks about the gays!!! It's a good episode, but it's kind of a cop-out because all of the actors who portrayed the androgynous aliens were all women and you could still tell they were women. Women who run a Petsmart or something, but women nonetheless, so there wasn't any "real" issue of Riker falling for one of them.

"The First Duty": Wesley has to man up and tell the truth after an accident at the academy.

DOESN'T LIKES:

Troi episodes. Over the course of the series, most of her episodes have her temporarily losing her powers, being "mind-raped" by an alien or having to deal with her mother and this season seemed to have more of these eps than usual. I mean, really, what's the point of the "mind-rape" eps? Rape is bad? Who the hell is gonna argue that? Who's that big of an asshole to be pro-rape?

SEASON SIX:

A very Picard-heavy season, but he's the man, so it's cool, babies......

LIKES:

"Relics": Scotty returns and so does the bridge of the Original Series Enterprise. Geeks everywhere gasp and swoon......

"Chain of Command Parts 1 and 2": There's a new captain of the Enterprise since Picard has been captured by the Cardassians. The new captain isn't a TERRIBLE captain, but he does show what an AWESOME captain Picard is. Also, Cardassians are really evil bastards.......

"Face of the Enemy": The only Troi episode that rocks. And it's really good. Troi has to help a Romulan defector....defect while she's disguised as a Romulan. It's not about "feelings and understanding" now..........kick ass, girl.....

"Tapestry": Picard has his own version of "It's A Wonderful Life" and he's got Q for Clarence. It's a rip-off, but a fascinating bit of backstory on Picard and what could have been.

"Starship Mine": It's "Die Hard" on the Enterprise and John McClane?----More like Jean-Luc McClane.....

"Lesson": Picard learns the problem of inter-office romance: You may have to send your snugglebunny to her death.....

HONORABLE MENTION:

"Descent Part 1": Data gets his emotions and ends up screwing over everybody. Toss in Lore and the Borg and you have a whale of a cliffhanger!!!! Note: Wouldn't be a bad idea to watch the 5th season ep "I, Borg" for some backstory.

DOESN'T LIKES:

"Frame of Mind": Is Riker going crazy? Is he in a play? Is he a prisoner? Is he really Riker? And do I care? .....Not even a little bit.....I hope Frakes flossed after every take what with all of the scenery he was chewing......

SEASON SEVEN:

Not really much in the way of eps that me likes....more like......

KINDA LIKES:

"Attached": In a blatant rip-off of "The Defiant Ones," Picard and Crusher are taken prisoner by aliens, are chained together psychically and finally 'fess up their latent feelings for each other.

"Force of Nature": The use of warp drive is tearing up the galaxy. And the Enterprise-D is the Humvee of the Cosmos....stupid hippies......

"Parallels": Worf is bouncing around parallel dimensions. Plenty of ".....the hell?...." moments that make for great comedy...especially when in one reality Trois is his wife and wants snoo-snoo.

"The Pegasus": Well, well, well.......seems Riker isn't as squeaky clean as we THOUGHT!!!

"All Good Things...": The series finale. Which takes you back to the first episode.....and isn't a bad thing. The other bit o' genius is that while it's the end of the show, it's not The End.

DOESN'T LIKES:

"Sub Rosa": Beverly gets all clingy and needy when an alien pretending to be a ghost who has haunted the maternal side of her family for centuries, gives her What She Needs.....I didn't buy for a second that someone like her could behave like that.

"Masks": I DARE you to try to explain this one to me........

"Genesis": TNG becomes an old fashioned monster movie--with the crew turning into monsters. It seems like at this point, the writers were like: "I dunno......what if we made the crew all monkeys....or zombies.....or puppies.....or somethin'.......".

At one point, Picard had to lure Monster Worf away with Monster Troi's pheromones (Now in a can!) and it was working. I want to know what Worf was going to do with Picard if he caught him......

Nothing like ending a big, ol' TNG retrospective with a Klingon/Man-rape joke, but there we are. I'd just like to add that I enjoyed getting reacquainted with something from my youth and I'd also like to say that if this show has a legacy, it's that you can have science fiction stories that have weight and substance and can show you something that you can aspire to be. In The Next Generation's case: It's that people from different backgrounds, different cultures and different PLANETS can work together, peacefully, for the Common Good and the benefit of everyone.

Sadly, based on what I see in the news, at work, hell, even at the grocery store, the cruel truth is that it seems that's a fantasy wrapped up inside another fantasy.

COMING SOON......IN THE NOT-TERRIBLY DISTANT FUTURE.....

ROBERT SIMS VS. DEEP SPACE NINE.......

Oh, Lordy........

2009-08-01T22:50:00.002-05:00

Have you ever stepped back, looked at what you are doing or what you enjoy, and said to yourself: "My God, I'm just a big dork."....?

WELL, FEEL BAD NO LONGER!!!!!!!!!

http://www.tronguy.net/

This guy has made his own costume from the movie "Tron." He's very careful to explain that he's not supposed to be Tron; he's dressed like a character from that world.

His full-time job is in IT..........I'll pause a minute while you regain your composure from your shock and disbelief......

I've glanced at his site and at the pictures and he seems to take his nerdity with good humor.

He sure did put a lot of time and effort in that costume. He did forget one thing, though.

It rhymes with "mathletic supporter."

.....wear a cup, for God's sakes.........

Now,........LOOK AT DEESE ONE!!!!!!!!!!

If you've ever watched "Star Trek: Voyager" and felt uber-dorky for wanting to live on the USS Voyager......

ONCE AGAIN,.......FEEL BAD NO LONGER!!!!!!!!

http://www.24thcid.com/

This guy turned his apartment into a Star Trek set. If you don't want to navigate his whole site, here's some pictures at a third-party site:

http://www.odditycentral.com/pics/the-star-trek-apartment.html

I will give him credit: It looks magnificent. It's indistinguishable from the sets from the shows. The only drawbacks are that it's probably bright as hell, light-wise and if you have a Star Trek decor......you really need to commit to it. You can't have all of that stuff and say, put in a table/chair set with a Southwestern motif. You can't mix and match, is what I'm saying.

While I admire his efforts, believe it or not, the decor is not for me. My decor is still "college student." I don't have a nightstand constructed completely from pizza boxes........but I could probably whip one up in a day or so.

oof........nerds..........

"....To Seek Out New Life and New...Change Your Damn Underwear!!!"

2009-07-31T17:24:00.002-05:00

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/science/article6735088.ece

So a Japanese astronaut, courtesy of some experimental skivvies, went a whole month without changing the undies.

Yeesh.

I can see the logic behind it. I really can. The less you bring up there with you, the better as far as room and fuel consumption, etc.

But even with antibacterial whatsits, I'm sure a fresh pair now and again would still perk one up.

And let's consider this: I was told about 20 years ago, when I was in college and we had some exchange students who were particularly.....ripe....that Americans were pretty much the sole deodorant users on the planet (Fuck Yeah!!!).

So while the International Space Station is all groovy and awesome and all that, I don't think it would be incorrect for me to believe that the stink vapors should be examined as an alternate energy source.

Probably smells like a homeless dude's cum sock.......

can't....breathe......she.....has....a blog.......

2009-07-27T20:34:00.002-05:00

God help us all, Renee Shapiro has a blog on the blogspot.

http://reneesfocusonfilm.blogspot.com/

If you're a regular reader, you know that I don't like her.

If you're not a regular reader,.......I still don't like her.

In short, she's a loud, obnoxious windbag who gets to review movies on a local news station.

It looks like she hasn't updated her blog since January (probably lost the password), but "enjoy" and bask in the shallowness, ineptitude and braying-assness of Renee Shapiro.

Near Dark---A Real-Time Entry

2009-07-24T19:47:00.003-05:00

Right now, I'm watching the cult vampire film "Near Dark." It's one of those films from the mid-80s that's considered a classic of the horror genre. I have never seen it before so I thought it would be fun to watch it and deconstruct it while watching it (make fun).

Amongst horror fans, it's up there on the respectable list and it might be unfair to try to goof on it before I even see it, but you know what? It's easy to tear down "Plan 9" but more satisfying to take a respected work down a peg or two.

Plus, this has Bill Paxton in it, so already, it has that against it.........

Here we go......

The film opens in Shitkicker, OK (or downtown Arkadelphia, AR circa 1985) with a score by Tangerine Dream (get ready for seven minute keyboard chords) and a young dude that I've seen in a bunch of stuff pulls up in a 20 year old pickup and engages in repartee with a couple of fellers his own age this fine evening. It seems they are good friends and are THIS close to getting in a fist fight whilst holding their beer bottles.

So it's like another night in the parking lot at West End........

Then young dude spots pixie chick on the sidewalk who is working on a soft-serve cone. The metaphor nearly cracks my monitor screen in half with its subtlety.

He picks her up, and they drive off. They stop in the middle of the road out in the country, look at the stars for a minute and she makes the comment that she will still be here when the light from the stars reach Earth.....which I guess, is right now, since she can see these stars.....I'm sure it's supposed to foreshadow that she's a vampire, but actually she just sounds like she's just high.

He takes her to a horse corral where he wants to impress her with his roping abilities, but the horse is so scared of her, you can hear him say "OH, SHIT!!!! What the hell you doin' bringin' a vampire here, man?" She mentions off-handedly that animals don't like her.

I wonder if there are any deleted scenes of him offering to take her to a midnight Mass at Our Lady of We Don't Want No Vampires 'Round Here and then going out for a garlic pizza afterwards---with her declining, of course.

She throws a hissy about getting home before dawn......he takes her most of the way there....she gives him a little nick on the neck and she runs away........he decides that she's a bit high-maintenance and he gets back in the truck, but it doesn't start.....so he starts walking home as the sun rises.

And he's infected with vampirism IMMEDIATELY. None of this laying around in bed, waiting on Dracula to bite you three times or whatever. I'm sure he's had shaving cuts that were more severe, but he's smoldering in the sun and as he's almost home, this massive RV tears down the road towards him and he's abducted.....by the supporting cast of "Aliens" and none of them are Sigourney Weaver.

There's Lance Henriksen, Jeanette Goldstein and Bill Paxton. I like Lance and I've always had a crush on Jeanette, but Bill......Lord......He's got that crazy look in his eyes that says "My character is the bad, bad guy and he's crazy and I'm going to crazy-act up a shitstorm."

Jeanette's character is named "Diamondback"--like they were thinking about action figures for this movie---and her wig looks like a bleached poodle's ass. There's also a nine year old kid with them and there's pixie girl.......

They drive around for a bit, then set fire to and destroy the RV for some reason. Bill finds a 30 year old clunker of a mini-station wagon with all kinds of windows and no-room for them to tool around in, so they ride around in that. Why they destroyed the RV, story-wise, I don't know.......in real life, the production company probably couldn't afford it any longer, so they had to "make do."

They stop in an abandoned railyard and Shitkicker gets away.....and no one goes after him.......he's walking around like he's suffering from DTs and he has to take a huge shit..............he gets on a bus........then he demands to get off the bus.....then he walks back to his new friends and pixie girl opens up one of her veins, lets him drink and he's all better and she keeps saying things like: "The night......it's so bright, it'll blind you....."

And the Tangerine Dream isn't helping........

Morning comes and Shitkicker's dad wakes up in your standard issue farmer long-johns........he goes to make sure that his other kid, a cute little girl, is okay......and she's fine......there's pictures from rodeos all over the wall.....and there's a bleached steer skull just laying on the floor by her bed.....OK!!! We get it!!!! They're in Oklahoma!!!!

They go see the sheriff about their missing Shitkicker and Sgt. Bumpkin informs them that they found Dad's RV (oh, it was his..) and that they might have switched cars and that the kid might have gotten mixed up with the wrong crowd.....

Now we're in a sequence that shows the group getting dinner. The little kid fakes a bike accident and attacks someone who stops to help him out....that'll show 'im........oh, no......there's Bill.......with a mullet and a six-shooter and that stupid grin.....he flags down some girls who think he's handsome and trustworthy.....Bishop and Vasquez pick up someone with car trouble, but the tables are turned because someone else appears out of nowhere in cahoots with the motorist and they threaten to rob Bishop and rape Vasquez.....or are the tables turned?.......of course not.......I expect that the punks will be lumps of red, moist flesh here in a second.......

And pixie girl and Shitkicker hitch a ride from an 18 wheeler driver. Earlier, she told Shitkicker that he has to kill somebody and eat. It's kind of a funny scene because the driver is showing them how to drive the truck (while he's driving it) and Pixie and Shit are having this silent conversation that all couples have when they don't want anyone else to hear what they are saying....you know....with raised eyebrows, intense stares and lip reading......except instead of saying things like "She's your mother...YOU say no...." they are saying things like: "Kill him..." "No, I don't WANT to kill him..."

And what's dumb is it looks like she wants Shit to kill the driver WHILE HE'S DRIVING THE TRUCK. I've been up and down I-30 a time or two, and some of these drivers are on the verge of causing a major accident WITHOUT being attacked by a vampire.

That could add a new line of revenue for Peter Miller: "Have you suffered injuries from an 18-wheeler crash? Was this crash caused by the undead AND an unsafe driver? Then call the Law Offices of Peter Miller...."

Well, Shit gets sick, the driver pulls over, Pixie kills the driver and then Shit drinks from Pixie.

So it's okay for her to kill and drink and then it's okay for him to drink from HER after SHE'S killed. Homicidal supernatural being or not, she's latched onto a real mooching asshole. I suspect that if they were both normal, she'd be the kind of girl who would have a day job and let her loser boyfriend stay at her house and while she's gone, he deals pot out of her living room and has girls over for quick ones.

Meanwhile, Shit's daddy is looking for him....in Waco....WACO!!!??!!! That's a long way from OK......Daddy finds out from Sheriff Goodolboy that there was a positive ID on Shit at a bus station in Kansas, so Daddy's heading back to OK.......

Now, the whole Family's giving Shit all kinds of shit about not pulling his weight in the killing department and sponging off of Pixie....Hey!!!! I wanted to see Bishop and Vasquez tear the punks apart!!!!! Boooo!!!

And the Family comes across the Biker Bar That Time Forgot and it doesn't look good. For one thing, "Naughty, Naughty" by John Parr is on the soundtrack so this is not going to end well for anyone.....especially me.......

There's only five other people in the place......and most of them get dispatched in a game of cat and mouse.....if the cat was played by an overacting Bill Paxton.....but actually this is probably the film's centerpiece......pretty gruesome and over the top and well done.....and there's the biker dude from Terminator 2 who has to give up his clothes to Arnold.....man......he just needs to stop going to bars.....

One of them gets away though because Shit shows mercy on him.....and hey, he can always just mooch off his girlfriend....

They hop in a van that was at the bar.....drive to a seedy motel at the corner of Laylow and Hidefromthecops and Bishop is yelling at Shit because the one that got away is going to go to the cops......

The next day.......hey!!!! Bishop's right!!! The Kansas State Police is outside and there's a massive gunfight. Shit runs outside to the van; smoldering and getting shot....drives the van through the motel wall and picks up everyone....they hightail it out of there and everyone tells him "he done good......"........even though he was the one who let the dude get away and go to the police in the first place........

And Shit is pleased with himself.....he's happy that this band of killers.....who have threatened to kill him, by the way, because he hasn't killed yet......is warming up to him......dope.....

They check into another fleabag.....and....SNAP!!!! TWIST!!!!! Shitkicker's Dad and little sister are staying in the same motel, looking for him.....awk...ward.........

Little sister saves the day by running out the front door and shining the sunlight on everybody. Shit, his dad and sister hop in the truck and head for home......movie ain't over yet.....

Dad takes him home and gives him a transfusion and Shit's back to normal....he's human again....Pixie shows up around suppertime....Shit tells Pixie he's home with his family but he misses her......Shit finds out his sister's been kidnapped and sets off on horseback to go get her......with no idea which way they went, but off he goes!

Downtown, Bill throws him off his horse, Shitkicker flags down an 18 wheeler pulling fuel, Bill shoots the driver from about 50 yards away, then Shit--utilizing the truck driving lessons he learned earlier in the film (it's all tying together now)- fulfills the audience's fantasy of both running over AND exploding Bill Paxton with a lot of gasoline.

Sis get away from the other vampires......Pixie is flip-flopping her loyalties (not a euphemism) all over the place and Bishop, Vasquez and the Little Fat Kid Vampire burn up with the rising sun. Shit gives a transfusion to Pixie and she turns human.

The End.

Or is it? Surely Sheriff Goodolboy's gonna come 'round and ask a few questions: "Shitkicker, you've been placed at an awful lot of explosions nearby lately and there's a dead truck driver.....and what happened up in Kansas?"

So what have I learned from this movie?

1) Stay away from chicks who think they're all that with cryptic, weirdo homilies.

2) I think the producers of this film should seriously consider legal action against the producers of "The Lost Boys" and Stephanie "Twilight" Meyer. Not just because they may have been ripped off, but just on general principle.

3) Thank God I'm Not A Country Boy.

4) Bill Paxton won't be going to any Bar Mitzvahs soon.....he's too hammy!!!! Zing!!!!

As hard a time as I gave this movie, I actually enjoyed it and I think it's worth you giving it a go. Although, if you've read all this, you probably don't NEED to, but it's still entertaining.

Plus, most importantly, the vampires blow up real good in sunlight. They. Don't. Fuckin'. Twinkle.

Bleh, bleh.

The trIcorder.

2009-07-24T01:27:00.003-05:00

I like Apple products. I'm using one right now. To type this thing I'm writing.

At the store, lots of people come back to the music department because it's in the back and presumably quiet because of its....backness....

Especially around 10AM during the work week, and you'd be right, it would be fairly quiet; except for all of the people who congregate back there to use their phones......

I have heard more one-sided conversations about business deals about to fall through, very personal medical examinations, and once, two Junior Leaguers walked in together and they were BOTH on their phones, enjoying their day off, talking to their personal assistants.

And hey, I can't HELP but hear these things because even though it is a phone conversation and the person on THIS end is about 40 feet away from me--said person is speaking very loudly--as if the phone itself is incidental and maybe the person on the other end can just hear the voice from several miles away.

But complaining about cell phone usage is kind of old hat; it's this generation's "What's the deal with airline food?.....And those bags of peanuts you can't open?"

Anyway, most of these phones are iPhones. As I recall, it cost something like $500 to buy one when they first came out--now I think the one with the highest memory capacity of about 132 MB is $400---but, lots of people have these now because they are cool and easy to use and "Oh, look at me. I have an iPhone."

And it can play music and videos and surf the interwebs like no one's business and take pictures and on and on.

It's an entertainment center you can put in your pocket. It'll shut the kids up on long trips.

And it will otherwise occupy in-laws during family gatherings. I have a sister-in-law who practically buries her face in one during holiday gatherings; not unlike the 12 year olds who would keep transfixed on their PSPs and Game Boys while the rest of their families would order food and socially interact with their waiter (me) when I was waiting tables.

Social interaction with living, breathing people who are your family and are within arm's reach? Fuck that shit.

And the texting. Oh, the texting!!! God forbid you actually talk on the phone to the other person.

"Well, I didn't want to call attention to myself while I was with everyone and I didn't want the person on the other end of the line to be distracted either."

Right. Twiddling with your thumbs for a couple of minutes while staring at your phone while someone at your table is speaking to you is perfectly acceptable behavior. Actually talking into your phone is 5 times as rude. Whatever you like. Please don't mind us.

I'm being Old Man about this now because I was inspired by a Deep Space Nine episode.

("Here we go......")

Wait!! Wait!! The details of the plot are unimportant, but four of the characters were trapped in a game and they each had a tricorder to help them scan the maze they were working through. All four of them were looking at their tricorders and waving the things around and not really looking where they were going and what was going on.

At one point, they're in a cave and there is a massive earthquake. The ground (really, the camera used to shoot the ep) is shaking, lots of noise--it's obviously an earthquake.

One of the characters is looking at her tricorder while she is bouncing all over the room: "There are massive tectonic shifts underneath us!!!! We are over a fault line!!!! We need to get out of here!!!"

Thank God she had her tricorder with her to tell her all of that. She might have missed the whole thing.

"Dracula Has Created A Lemon Cake For The Potluck Supper"

2009-07-22T21:09:00.002-05:00

I'm Anti-Twilight. It's probably not very fair to the books or the film franchise; considering I've never read the books or seen the movies. Alls I know is from what people who have read the books have told me and it all sounds like stupid high-school crush crap and that the vampires do not explode into cinders when exposed to sunlight--they "sparkle."

"Sparkle".......not unlike the glitter adorning the typical Twilight fan's unicorn poster......

I've written about this before, but I wanted to refresh your memories with some context. I grew up with good old fashioned movie vampires: The ones who are evil and kill you, turn into bats, can be killed by sunlight, hate crucifixes, sleep in coffins---vampires who can also be killed with a stake through the heart; and it better be the heart because these vampires have balls made out of brass.

They don't "sparkle."

And that is why this past weekend I bought (for $15) a four movie collection of Hammer Dracula films with Christopher Lee as the Count--included in the set were "Horror of Dracula," "Dracula Has Risen From The Grave," "Taste The Blood of Dracula," and my favorite, "Dracula, AD 1972" but more on these later.....

I love Hammer horror movies. They are.......well, they're silly. They are fairly well crafted and made by professionals-they don't have that "Texas Fertilizer Salesman Who Wanted To Be A Filmmaker Desparation" about them-but they are what they are: Slightly more fartsy than artsy and after you watch one or a couple, you can get on with your life.

Here is a list of things you need to make your own Hammer Dracula movie:

1) An eight-foot tall Christopher Lee. Guy's a skyscraper.

2) A gallon or so of bright red tempera poster paint, for obvious reasons.

3) Bosoms. Two pair; preferably the sort that heave. One pair belongs to the "naughty" girl whom everyone likes, but she ends up being Dracula's first victim. The other pair belongs to the "good" girl and Dracula's reason for revenge/plot device.

4) And finally, the plot from the previous Hammer Dracula film. Again, they weren't making "Citizen Kane." Just something for the kids to watch and/or make out to.

And what exactly is The Plot/Treatment? Dracula was killed in an earlier, unmade movie (This is one franchise in which continuity doesn't matter and no one cares--not even the fans)......he's resurrected by a few drops of blood on his ashes or on his pouty lips.......he acquires a servant.......he kills a couple of girls......he goes after the girlfriend of the young hunk/hero of the film.....Dracula gets killed.

That's it. In "The Satanic Rites of Dracula," I think they tried to turn him into a Bond villain and he was going to spread a plague all over the world, but otherwise, that's every Hammer Dracula plot.

After watching these movies, I was surprised to learn that Peter Cushing (Van Helsing) wasn't in all of these. I thought he was, but you learn something new........

I mentioned earlier that "Dracula AD 1972" is my favorite and the reason why is that the film was pandering to the young people by showing what was presumably a middle-aged writer's version of what he thought hippies and Swingin' London were. If Austin Powers had shown up during the film, it would not have been inappropritate at all. Plus, it had the rockin' music of Stoneground--a 73-piece rock band and it looked like one of the many singers/guitarists was a dead ringer for Bret Mackenzie.

Anyway, it's as cheesy and groovy as hell and Van Helsing has a smoking hot granddaughter, so me likes.

I'd like to talk about Lee's Dracula. I have a great respect for Christopher Lee. He was a badass in WWII and he's the actual Hardest Working Man in Show Business with a million film roles to his credit, and he certainly brought some menace to the role due to his voice and stature, but (and I'm sure this is because of production limitations) his Dracula may have been talked up as being a omnipotent demon, but really, he just kind of walked around in that cape, killed a couple of people in each film, and got killed by Van Helsing or some lunkhead boyfriend of the damsel. He didn't really turn into mist or into a bat or command storms or anything extremely supernatural. Frankly, aside from the resurrections, he wasn't too supernatural at all; and not terribly ambitious--real-life mortal serial killers are more successful, if you'll pardon the term---Lee's Dracula just seems to be kind of coasting......

His Dracula kind of needed a kick in the ass if he wanted to meet that month's quota, I guess that's what I'm saying.

Also, Dracula has absolutely no knack for managing and developing his employees. He usually enslaves the first dumbass who accidentally resurrects him and that person has a pretty good chance of regretting the whole affair and finking on Dracula---especially when Dracula bitch-slaps the help around--usually the slave helps kill him.

I guess it's hard to develop loyalty.....especially when you stink of the grave....

Anyway, if you haven't seen these, check 'em out. Fun stuff.

At least check out the trailer below for "Dracula AD 1972."

Well, shit.............

2009-07-17T19:48:00.002-05:00

I just found out Walter Cronkite died today.

He was 92 and he seemed like the real deal. He wasn't going to bullshit ya.

Mulder could trust no one.....except he could trust Cronkite......

I'm tired.......

2009-07-17T19:08:00.002-05:00

I'm tired of where I work; if we were just a totally autonomous store and not part of some vast corporate entity, it wouldn't be so bad. But, the higher up the corporate chain you go, you will run into someone who has less and less of an idea as to what it's like to work on the store level.

I'm tired of telling people what to do. I'm tired of being told what to do. I'm tired of being Mom and Dad and the Problem Child and Santa and a doormat.

I'm tired of seeing the three same actually-crazy people everyday. I'm tired of hearing from another crazy person on the phone six times a day. I'm tired of the lonely old lady who think we're her pals. We're not your pals. We just can't run away from you because we work there.

I'm tired of customers who question every move I make at the register, regardless of the fact that I've worked there about 7 years. I'm tired of customers who listen to shitty music and think I listen to shitty music.

What the living, sweaty FUCK makes you think I listen to Lady Gaga? I dress in black; I'm as big as a doorway; I have more hair on my face than Lon Chaney, Jr. and I can bend spoons with my mind.

On my last day, I swear I'm saying to someone: Naw, I don't listen to that shit. Especially if they have a glimmer in their eye as they are talking about how much they love "Mamma Mia."

And I'm really tired of people who don't listen to me. LISTEN!!! It will save us both a lot of time.

I'm tired.....worn out.....

But here's the kicker.....I'm going to hold onto this job for as long as I can since I have no prospects.......and I suppose someone somewhere has a place for me.......and when I find it......adios, but until then......

Grovel, grovel, grovel.......

Umm.....wow.....

2009-07-16T12:10:00.002-05:00

Hey, look what I found!!!

Trek in the Park

Recently, I've made no secret about the fact that I love "Star Trek." To paraphrase (and steal) a joke Patton Oswalt told at George Takei's expense at William Shatner's Roast: When my Trek Closet opened, the doors went "whoosh-whoosh."

But the last time I was interested in "dressing up" and playing "Star Trek" was when I was seven years old. "In the park" productions are awkward enough without adding "Star Trek" to the mix. I know they wanted to do something different, but....

Let's face it. One has more dignity in a bedsheet-as-toga for "Julius Caesar" and in a cheapo crown for "King Lear" compared to wearing ill-fitting space pajamas and pointy ears in public. And how about that crowd?!?!! They definitely had the air of: "Well, it's free and what the hell else am I going to do for the rest of the day?"

And at the risk of sounding catty: Classically trained? Really? That may be the case, but it seems a bunch of you were trained poorly. Put some life into it, man!! You guys are not acting. You look like you're all as embarrassed as all get-out 'cause you're in the park wearing some dorky "Star Trek" costumes.

Perhaps you need more immersion in the culture. Go to a Klingon language camp or go to a Ren Fest and pretend you've beamed down onto the Medieval Planet and act all smug and bemused because this is just like Earth from centuries past. "Oh, Black Plague is so quaint!!"

By the way, those are real things that some people really do.

Oh, Nerds. Will you ever win?

HOLY CRAP!!!!!

2009-07-15T10:34:00.002-05:00

I HAVE JUST RE-DISCOVERED THE GREATEST THING EVER!!!!!

Sorry for all the shouting.....

If you enjoy watching someone suck every angstrom of fun out of everything to the point where it's laughable--look no further than http://www.capalert.com/

This is absolutely the most stifling thing ever. In a nutshell, this site reviews movies and shows and whatnots and lists EVERY THING that is wrong with them from an extreme Christian viewpoint so that parents and pastors can have an idea about what the kids are wanting to see and give them immediate shame for wanting to live a little.

These guys HATE everything except for "WALL-E", which I was surprised because I would've thought that they would've thought that the robots were a blasphemy to God because they seemed to have souls and emotion and only God can endow life, as imperfect as it may be, even though He is perfect and.....error.....error......error....does not compute......

I digress. They do have some problems with all of the explosions and guns and the robot uprising, but otherwise they recommend the movie.

Hey!! Did you know that it's probably a sin when you take a shit? Hell, it's a sin for me to say "shit." And it was a sin to type "shit" in the previous sentence. And in that one. And using "hell" in That Way. Wow, this is really stacking up.

Uh-oh. I've sinned again because I was worrying about my sins as opposed to letting Jesus take my sins and washing them as white as snow. And I've sinned again because I was coveting food just now, even though I was hungry. And earlier this morning--what with all of the vigorous masturbation.

"Okay, Robert, they can't be that judgmental, can they?"

Oh, my, yes. They can make the Church Lady look like Air Force Amy (look her up online, then get fired from work for looking her up at work). They have this scale called WISDOM; an acronym that stands for:

Wanton Violence/Crime

Impudence/Hate

Sexual Immorality

Drugs/Alcohol

Offense to God

Murder/Suicide

If you're film has any/all of these qualities, guess what? You're the Devil's Condom.

Last year, when this blog was on the Myspace, I gassed on and on about "The Dark Knight" like I had money tied up in it. I ended up seeing it on the big screen a lot and on DVD. I haven't watched it every day, but I've seen it bunches so I thought it would be amusing to see what the Cappies had to say: http://www.capalert.com/capreports/darkknight-the.htm

Okay, Wanton Violence/Crime is a given. It is a modern Batman movie and The Joker is the villain, so I'll give them that. But since Batman is a crimefighter, there has to be crime for him to fight. Unless you want two and a half hours of him at building dedications, but that could be looked upon as worshipping man's creation (the building) and not God, so you're still screwed as far as a Batman story is concerned. And, by watching a Batman movie, you're worshipping Batman!!! Oh, you are so going to hell. False idols!!

In all earnestness though, in the correct spirit of the movie, I think everyone should agree that when the bad guys perform violence, it's a bad thing and that any violence that comes from the good guys is bad as well, but it's only in response to the bad guy, so it's better, morality-wise.

Under Impudence/Hate, they list the quote: "The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules"--the implication, of course, being that it's a bad thing. This quote's from The Joker. Sssooooo.....yeah....he's a bad guy and I don't think anybody who's a good guy would think that's a good thing.......so thanks for pointing out the morally obvious......

Sexual Immorality:

"Excessive cleavage". Where was that? I'm all about the cleavage and I don't really remember any. Have I become so desensitized to boobs that I just glossed over them or does the CAP reviewer just think that all boobage should be strapped down and placed under seven layers of burlap?

"Adults in Underwear" I swear I'm not making this one up. And for some reason, this makes the baby Jesus cry. And I couldn't remember anyone in their undies at all and then I remembered that when he was trying to find the Joker, Bruce Wayne finds about six cops tied up and sitting on the floor. One of the cops tells Bruce that the Joker and his gang took their uniforms and that's why there's a two-second shot of six men wearing t-shirts and modest boxer shorts.

All right. ONE of them was sucking another one's dick, but still....the undies were still on.

The Drugs/Alcohol and Murder/Suicide are in the movie, so I'll give them that and only SOME of those are awesome. And the Offense to God was saying God about six times and forcing a good guy to be a bad guy.

All right, anyway, I think CAP could save a lot of time by just advising everyone to not go to the movies at all. If you're offended by.....everything.......you shouldn't go. You shouldn't leave your house. Just stay there and not live and don't experience anything in the world. That would make excluding everyone who doesn't think or act or believe the things you do a LOT easier. I mean, why should you associate with these flawed creatures? They are not perfect like you.

A couple of years ago, I was working and this woman and her 12ish year old daughter came in and looked around for minute. The daughter wanted to get a copy of "Happy Feet," the animated movie about the tap-dancing penguin, but mom said no because "preacher said something was evil about that movie." Then mom asked if I knew where the nearest Chik-Fil-A was.

"And lo, the beast takes on a pleasing form and acts accordingly, thou must rebuke by supporting ministries through the bird of the field and leavened bread."---Madeup 48:93 (BNV)

Take it easy. I have to go find some excessive cleavage and sin yet again.

Is It Over Yet?

2009-07-09T08:58:00.002-05:00

In previous entries, immediately after Michael Jackson's passing, I've expressed contempt for his father and I've tried to be sympathetic towards Michael--but I'd like to offer some perspective now.

He was a very talented, very successful musician who gave a lot of his money and time for various causes; had one of the largest fan bases a celebrity could have; was married and had children and had undergone personal trauma and public scandals.

But you know what? At the end of the day, he was just a dude.

He really was. He was very eccentric, but he was still just a man. He ate, slept, farted, pooped, peed and did and said stupid things; just like everybody else. And it's nice that people are buying his music again and feeling bad that he died and feeling good when remembering when they were young when Michael was at the peak of his popularity, but we need to move on to other things.

Life must continue on. Our obligations to family, friends and work have not ceased; even in death, there are still taxes.

An aside: Why is everyone buying his music now? I thought everyone on the planet had "Thriller." What is it about celebrity deaths that make us want to buy, or re-buy, their work/merchandise? In the case of electronic media, it can't be because of monetary gain because they'll just stamp out some more.

Later.

Off the high-horse for a second.....

2009-06-28T21:57:00.002-05:00

Hey!! Did you guys know that Hugh "House" Laurie could actually be a bit silly?

Well, for most of his career, he has been very silly indeed, as evidenced in the early 90s BBC show "A Bit of Fry and Laurie".

It's not the funniest thing they've done, but given current events, it could be considered fairly relevant.

Here's a better one.......

"Jermaine, stop teasing....." OR.......

2009-06-28T20:32:00.003-05:00

Why Joe Jackson Is Probably The Most Hateful Son Of A Bitch Walking On The Planet Today.......

I wasn't there when Joe Jackson was raising his children; shaping them into arguably the finest examples of pop talent....but several of them, including Michael, have said that Joe was both physically and mentally abusive towards his kids. Joe would push them beyond their limits until he got the perfection he wanted. If that's true, and if you look at his children now, or at least their public personas, yes, they are very savvy artists and musicians, but the personal price may have been way too high.

But......as I've said.......I wasn't there, so I can't say for sure. Oh, I have my own thoughts on the matter......non-actionable, legal thoughts as long as I don't blab about it here......

I think my point is getting across, so let me tell you what I saw on TV tonight while eating dinner at restaurant like you read about.......

BET was having an awards show tonight and a CNN rep was covering the red carpet and he was talking to stars of the day about Michael Jackson: Asking about Jackson's influence on their career, their fandom, etc.

Then Joe walks up........

The reporter asks Joe how the family is holding up.

Joe responds, "Pretty good."

"But we've just lost the greatest star in the world."

Nice.

Not "My youngest son is dead." Not "Our lives are dimmer now because we've lost someone we loved."

Not even a fucking Don Corleone: "Look what they did to my boy......."

Joe did deign to have two legal representatives to read statements--pronouncing that the Jackson family plans to make more definitive announcements regarding the estate in the near future, among other things.

But I didn't hear anything about "love and loss" in those statements.

So, Joe, I'm sorry your youngest son, Meal Ticket, cacked off this mortal coil. Maybe you can exploit the shit out of your grandchildren.

"KNEES UP!!!!!"

........Jesus..........

Just call me "Scoop"

2009-06-27T22:12:00.002-05:00

LIFE-LONG POTHEAD CONFUSED BY "BUY TWO, GET A THIRD FREE" OFFER

LITTLE ROCK--

An unidentified burnout left the music department the other day befuddled after the employees patiently explained a sales promotion to him.

The unidentified man, believed by workers to be in his late 40s/early 50s and also believed to indulge in marijuana on a regular basis, did not seem to grasp the concept that if he brought three DVDs to the cash register, the cheapest DVD would be free.

The customer would continuously bring different titles to an unnamed music seller and ask which one would be free. A music seller would helpfully inform the gentleman which one would be free each time and even suggested that the customer should purchase titles that were similar in price to maximize the savings.

"After all, you don't want to spend $30 on one DVD, $60 on another and have your free one be only a DVD that would normally cost $10," said the music seller who wished to remain anonymous.

However, the customer seemed to get more confused each time he approached a music seller and eventually left the department without purchasing anything.

When asked how the employees knew that the customer in question smoked marijuana, one anonymous employee replied that the customer "reeked of pot."

It's believed that the customer left the department to go buy a bowl.

LOCAL WOMAN UPSET THAT REPLACEMENT INVENTORY DOESN'T APPEAR BY "MAGIC"

--LITTLE ROCK--

The day after the death of Michael Jackson was announced, a local woman was distraught after learning that the music department had sold out of Michael Jackson CDs.

A music seller, who wishes to remain anonymous, reported that an unidentified woman wished to purchase some Michael Jackson CDs, but the department had only a limited supply at the time of Mr. Jackson's death.

"Unless a title is part of a promotion, we usually don't keep multiple copies of a single title in the store. No matter who the artist is , if it's an older catalog title, and it's a significant work or a title that sells well, we generally keep one copy of the title. In Michael Jackson's case, we had only one copy of "Thriller" and "Off The Wall" and his other works at the time when his death was announced; however, Corporate is working 'round the clock to get multiple copies of his catalog to all of the stores as soon as possible. Since it's the weekend, it might be Monday or Tuesday before we have an ample supply," said the unidentified music seller.

But this explanation did not placate the unidentified customer who couldn't understand why trucks were not coming and going from the back of the building with whole palatte loads of Michael Jackson CDs within 12 hours of his death.

Nor did she seem to understand that deliveries are not done by "magic" or teleportation--"like that 'Star Wars' movie."

Music Manager Robert Sims will gladly tell customers who are upset over the supposed-incompetence of his corporate overlords and his department in general.....and him....that "unfortunately, Mr. Jackson was not considerate enough to announce his death a week or so ahead of time so that we could have placed a large order for his catalog."

Mr. Sims then stalked off, muttering something about "jackasses" and other words not fit for a family newspaper and proceeded to throw some kids out of his department who thought they were hilarious sitting on the floor and making post-ironic comments about "Scooby-Doo" and Dr. Seuss cartoons.

"Tito, get me some tissue....."

2009-06-25T19:26:00.002-05:00

I just found out that Michael Jackson is dead. Shit.

I was in junior high when he became The Pop God in the early 80s. He was all over MTV.....almost every song off of "Thriller" was on the radio (I don't think another album has had so many radio singles since.).......everyone would practice moonwalking during recess.......the whitest of boys (not me, though, I assure you) were wearing "Beat It" and "Thriller" jackets and looking ridiculous........Sweet Lord, he was everywhere. Actually, everywhere in every form of media globally known to man at the time.

A few years later, he released "Bad" but it was not quite as big as "Thriller" and Michael had changed a bit. He looked lighter and he had a different nose......he may have been a little odd before, but looking back, he was in the throes of The Weirdness that would swamp him up until he passed away.

Spending money like crazy. More drastic plastic surgery. Surgical masks. Surrogate mothers. Married to Lisa Marie Presley. A speaking voice that kept getting higher and creepier.

And the events that would make him a legitimate pariah: The child molestation accusations.

He was accused once and the family settled out of court. Then....a few years later......he's accused again!!!! Holy crap!!!! He SQUEAKED by with his money the first time, but he didn't have the sense to say to himself: "I probably need to stop hanging around kids AND I have got to straighten my life out."

NO!!! He's still having sleepovers and......I mean, DAMMIT!!!!! Got no GOT DAMNED sense.......

Personally speaking, before a lot of his problems began, I stopped being a fan when I went to college. Hip-hop and grunge were all the rage with the kids then and pop music wasn't exactly feeding the brooding need of this college kid. Music was getting more and more aggressive and Michael's pop was just a bit too fluffy, so if the fans were dwindling from his behavior, they were also drifting because they weren't that interested anymore.

Heavy sigh. Michael Jackson's biggest problem was Michael Jackson. Terrible choices and changing tastes in music. I'm just a schmuck from Arkansas, and I didn't know him, but it is not hard for him to imagine that he wasn't happy. He was probably in a lot of pain and I'm sorry that he didn't get to redeem himself in the eyes of the public. He had a lot of chances, but he didn't take them.

And not that anyone asked, but my favorite Michael Jackson performance was when he was still singing with his brothers. It's "Never Can Say Goodbye." Michael is SELLING heartbreak, even with his pre-pubescent voice. Just a kid and he's singing like an old soul. It's a sad song, but such a powerful performance, I feel kinda good after it's over.

Then it's time to swing back into sadness again because we know the destiny of that young man and it's not as noble as it could have been.

Crap.

"Ask A Damn-Grown Man Who's Playing 'Halo' For The First Time"

2009-06-10T21:05:00.002-05:00

Every once in a great while, I like to open up this blog to those who need advice on issues large and small. At the same time, I allow guest-writers to offer their advice to said questions. This time around, I've invited A Damn-Grown Man Who's Playing "Halo" For The First Time."

I'm a saint.

Dear A Damn-Grown Man Who's Playing "Halo" For The First Time,

I have a neighbor who procrastinates when it's time to do any kind of yard work. He'll let the grass grow a bit too high during the summer and wait until mid-March to rake his Fall leaves. Everyone else in the neighborhood does a pretty good job of staying on top of keeping their property looking nice, but my neighbor.....not really. Should I talk to him about it, or should I just mind my own business?

Sincerely,

Yardguy in Yarborough

Dear YIY,

Huh. I thought this was supposed to have some sort of big, huge complicated sci-fi backstory, but all I'm doing is shooting a few aliens on my spaceship. Not that big of a deal. I know I'm supposed to do something else in this game besides making the bad guys go "squish," but I'm not sure what that is.....I guess I'll wander around a bit.....

Dear A Damn-Grown Man Who's Playing "Halo" For The First Time,

Someone is stealing my morning paper every morning!! If I knew who it was, should I bother the police? I know I shouldn't "take the law into my own hands," but something I've paid for is being stolen on a regular basis. What's the best way to handle this?

Yours,

Ripped Off In Rockford

Dear Ripped Off In Rockford,

Well, this is silly. This "room" is about a square-mile in floorspace, but there were only four Covenant soldiers in it, no Medipaks and, again, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do next to advance to the next level. I.....oh, wait....."Checkpoint Saved"........whatever.......I've walked by this door four times.......why did it save now? Next level......

Dear A Damn-Grown Man Who's Playing "Halo" For The First Time,

My daughter, who is a senior in high school, wants to go to Mexico with some friends for Spring Break. I don't think it's a good idea because of the drug-related (and gang-related) violence down there that seems to be getting worse. What do I say?

Sincerely,

Worried In Wabbeseka

Dear WIW,

Should I take The Needler.......or the Plasma Rifle?...........Needler........Plasma Rifle........Hmmmmmmm......The Needler works great against the little dudes, but the Plasma Rifle seems to work okay against everybody and more of those are laying around, so I guess I'll take the Plasma Rifle......Is there any way I can get one of the non-player characters to drive the jeep? What a pain in the ass......I go forward or reverse with one 'stick and turn with another........Thank God this thing doesn't get destroyed because it bumps into things......For the first 15 minutes I was in this thing, it's like my super-high-tech cybernetic-killing-machine-soldier turned into an old Jewish-Asian lady* who can't see over the wheel.

Dear A Damn-Grown Man Who's Playing "Halo" For The First Time,

What can someone do to help turn the tide against rudeness and impoliteness? These days, as Mr. Porter said, anything goes. I'm so sick of the lack of manners that seems to have been sewn into our societal fabric. One hardly hears "Please" or "Thank You" from the younger generation; instead, one hears an almost endless stream of profanity while in a public place like the grocery store. It's very exasperating. What can we do?

Yours Very Truly,

Shocked in Secaucus

Dear Shocked,

DAMMITDAMMITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!!!!! What the FUCK IS THAT???? For the past hour, it's been nothing but little aliens and slightly larger aliens, but now I'm being attacked by something that looks like it was created after a rhino fucked an armadillo....and it's shooting six-foot tall, yes TALL, laser bursts at me.....and of course, it would show up after I only have 7 shots left in this plasma rifle, no grenades and I'm almost dead......God....DAMMIT!!!!!.....dicklickers.......If I wanted an impossible task, I'd try to get laid in the next half-hour.....SHIT!!!!!

* If you're going to be insulting AND racist, go all out, I say......

The Man is dead.

2009-06-04T19:11:00.002-05:00

I've just found out that David Carradine is dead. Reports say that it seems he hanged himself in Bangkok.

During the summers when I was in college, TNT was showing "Kung Fu" reruns in the early evening. I'd get home from work and watch them with my Dad. When the show was first-run on ABC I was all of 4 or 5 and hardly mature enough to appreciate the show; certainly I couldn't appreciate it's message of non-violence and peace and the use of violence only as a last resort.

Anyway, I watched a lot of them with my Dad when I was college-aged and to understand the significance of what follows, let me explain that my father is a very conservative, Southern Baptist Republican. He was listening to Rush Limbaugh before Rush became a major radio personality and today, Dad still listens to Rush and tops it off with a heaping helping of Fox News. Now Dad has his morals, his ethics and his character and he doesn't deviate from any of it. AT ALL. Neither a jot or a tittle.

"Well, Cheney and Bush were the same way and look what happened...."

No, there's a HUGE difference. My father has never told a lie and he will not tell a lie. He is incapable of telling a lie. He. Tells. The. Truth. If he screws up, he is man enough to admit it and he will make amends, rectify, etc. He is beyond reproach where his integrity is concerned. If any of you who know me have appreciated my honesty or my integrity (and some have told me so on several occasions), then you can thank him. He's where I got it from.

The dick and fart jokes: I have no idea where they came from. Mom would die again if you thought they came from her.

Anyway, one evening, we were sitting there watching an episode and I was marvelling at the fact that Kwai-Chang Caine, a highly skilled Shaolin monk, could clear the saloon of all 5 rednecks who are saying they don't like Chi-nee in these here parts, but instead, Caine humbly leaves so that no one will get hurt.

He cherishes life so much, that he is a vegetarian. He rarely rides a horse, or a horse-drawn wagon because he does not want to burden the horse. He's just a Good Man.

So I say to Dad: "Caine's a good guy, isn't he?"

Dad replied: "I don't condone his spiritual beliefs (Caine is a Buddhist, not a Born Again Christian, remember? - Roberto), but he does have his beliefs and he stands by them, so he has strength of character. He is very admirable."

My Dad was so impressed with this character, portrayed by the late David Carradine, that even though he believed Caine was a pagan, he still believed that the character was worthy of great respect because of his integrity and his character.

That's a big deal. As conservative as Dad is, this shows that there is at least a crack in the right-wing armor he inhabits. You may not believe everything he believes, but if you're a good guy, you're still worthy of respect.

David Carradine wasn't Kwai-Chang Caine. Caine was just an actor's job. But I greatly admired Carradine because he was able to play this part and evoke a response in Dad that I probably never would have heard otherwise.

And so I'm very sad that he may have committed suicide. It's terrible for his loved ones because they will probably ask themselves, for the rest of their days, what they could have done to prevent it. It's terrible for the victim because they obviously have suffered crushing pain and felt they were alone and couldn't get help.

I certainly didn't know him personally, but in dvd supplements and in interviews and whatnots, he seemed like an affable guy; someone you could have a beer with--a bit of an old hippie.

I wish I could have met him. I guess that's all I have to say.

Except for: "Please enjoy this deleted scene from 'Kill Bill.'"

He's the man........

What the hell did I just DO?!?

2009-05-18T20:49:00.003-05:00

There's an electronics store I frequent that has a kinda nice customer appreciation program and last night, they had an after-closing event for members of their customer rewards program (like myself). I hesitate to mention the store by name (legal reasons-it's a bitch) so let's just say they're called "Okay Purchase."

They were going to have drawings for gift cards and have special demonstrations and the like, but the big thing was that you could get "double points" for everything you buy. In the program, for every dollar you spend, you get a point and after so many points (250), you get a $5 gift card. So last night, for every dollar spent you got two points, so if you were planning on making a large purchase anytime soon, last night was the time to do it.

So I went to buy a new operating system for my computer and what the heck? I'll get "Microsoft Office for the Home." Yes, I should be able to write real purty now. The content will be crap, but it'll look nice.

Hey!! Batteries!!! I'll get some batteries!! Got a big pack of Energizer AA........

Do I need any DVDs? No. I have everything, so no.

Hey, what about that Samsung package the store put together for a 40"" LCD TV, Blu-Ray player and Home Theater sound system?

No. I don't need that. It was nicely priced, but I've always told myself that if I get a Blu-Ray, it'll be a Playstation 3, which is still very expensive. And get a big honking TV and new sound system.

Shortly after I get a six figure job and a big house in the middle of nowhere.

But I was still kind of hanging around the video games and there's just so much Rock Band/Guitar Hero stuff all over the place, the store should be called "Okay Purchase and Clack-Clack*." A lot of expensive, toy instruments: Guitars, drums, guitars and drums......I dabbled with this a bit with Guitar Hero 1 and 2, but I decided that it's all a bit silly and stopped; to the benefit of doing other things and my wallet.

So, no, I didn't buy anymore of that.......

And I'm continuing my browsing of the XBox aisle and I was looking at some of the games: zombie games, shoot the shit out of giant space bugs games---generally, blowing shit up---just massive time wasters all......

All right....to cut this quick.....I also bought me an XBox. I spent a lot of money on something that involves manipulating bits of light on a action/reward system.

But crap, are video games fun...............

I've been a Playstation man since 1999, but sadly, Sony seems to have dropped the ball on wicked cool games, however the XBox seems to be on the ball in that regard.

I could have gotten a Wii, but I don't have any kids and I have a penis, so I wouldn't feel right owning one of those.

Some friends of mine have a slew of children, and Nintendo is the most family-friendly of the systems, so they are dyed-in-the-wool Nintend....ens, but when I had a look at their Wii, it seems like the most grizzled game they had was something called "Pinky Pansy's Buttercup and Posie Roundup" so I chose the system that would let me blast the living fuck out of something with as little fuss as possible.

The XBox I purchased had two games included: Halo 3 and Fable 2. Since I've waited so long to buy a next-gen console, there's a ton of good games I can buy new on the cheap, so that's not so bad and so, I purchased Halo 1 and 2 (space bugs) and Mass Effect. Grand Theft Auto 4 will be purchased soonish.

So here we go: Wasting more time. But let's face it: My annoyance of the human race keeps growing. I have no other prospects (socially, professionally) and not much in the way of responsibility when I get home from work. Also, it's very difficult to go on a real adventure with my limited funds and work schedule, so in response to having no life, I will attempt to have a virtual one.

You may shake your head now, but it's for the best, really. If you pass by my abode, hear a loud thump and, several days later, there's an odor wafting through the walls, please alert the proper authorities. Otherwise, allow me to waste my time in peace.

Later.

* The actual noise one of those toy instruments makes......

A Nerdy Conundrum.....

2009-05-16T23:33:00.003-05:00

Assuming a lot of you have seen the "Star Trek".............

.........then you heard "Sabotage" by Beastie Boys as a young Jim Kirk was beating cheeks down the road in an old Corvette; the song was dialed up by Kirk himself.......

And if you're a fan of The Beasties, then you know that they have at least a few Star Trek references in almost all of their albums......

This would almost be like if I was listening to an oldies station on the way to work and I was listening to Frankie Valli singing about how Robert was going to work at the music store and explaining the differences between CDs and DVDs to ladies over the age of 55.

Chickeneggchickeneggchickenegg.......metametameta............

"ALL YOU TREKKIES AND TV ADDICTS,
(something, something) DON'T MEAN TO BRING STATIC.
ALL YOU KLINGONS IN THE FUCKIN' HOUSE,
GRAB YOUR BACKSTREET FRIEND AND GET LOUD (I think...)"***

Speaking of Beastie Boys, I've been listening to "Paul's Boutique" all week. It's the TWENTIETH anniversary of this opus and good LORD is it awesome. I totally missed out on this in 1989. I'd like to say it's because it came out the summer I was getting ready for college, but I probably would have ignored it regardless: Didn't much care for the hip-hop back then. I think I was listening to mostly old Motown, Sting and Billy Joel back then.

God.....I was 45 when I was 17........

But that was also the summer of a new James Bond, Star Trek, Indiana Jones and Batman movie......so I guess it's kind of appropriate I discover "Paul's Boutique" now; considering the movies released over the past 12 months.

Anyway, as previously stated, it's super dope fresh. Seriously, it's great. I know, on principle (mine), I'm supposed to not like music samples, but the fact that they have roughly 83,942 samples (a slight exaggeration) on this album and the flow (both musically and vocally) is (are) so smooth, I can't help but enjoy this, so thanks Beasties and Dust Brothers. It's been called the hip-hop "The Wall" or "Dark Side of the Moon" and I can't front on that, yo.

And with that, here's the greatest music video of all time from their "Ill Communication" album.....

"Hey, dummy, why don't you put something on from 'Paul's Boutique'?"

'Cause I couldn't find any videos from "Paul's Boutique" and this just kicks ass.......

***From "Ch-check It Out" off of "To The Five Boroughs"

Hey! I've seen the "Star Trek" movie.....

2009-05-08T19:53:00.002-05:00

....and it was a hoot.

I might go see it again, that's how good it was.

Hm. This is probably not what Paramount will be looking for when they fish for blurbs for the DVD packaging......

The two biggest compliments I can give the film are:

1) The "stick-up-the-ass" mentality that TNG, DS9, Voyager and Enterprise had was not only left at the door; it was told to earn its own cab fare home. This movie also doesn't require you to watch all of the episodes of all of the shows and movies and you don't have to read the books or whatever: You can really enjoy this movie if you've only seen a couple of eps of the Original Series and if you rely on any Trek knowledge you've received via osmosis since Star Trek has been sewn into the culture over the past 40 years.

2) I was worried about how Kirk was going to be portrayed by another actor. Shatner has been associated with this extreme character for so long, I didn't see how they could replace him. But this Chris Pine guy.......he blasted it out of the park. He did what I thought would be impossible: He was able to be Kirk without being Shatner being Kirk. I totally bought it.

And this may sound totally stupid and pollyana-ish, but I think he needs to have an Oscar nomination because made a familiar character different and fresh, but totally recognizable. There's no way he'll actually be nominated, but he got mad skillz, yo.

I'm still not crazy about the new Enterprise design, but that's kind of picking nits; it's a lot of fun.

Crap!!! Dude!!! Something Absolutely Terrible happens halfway through the movie. Did not see it coming, so it was a huge shock. I tried to ignore the Nerd Sites about the movie so I could be a little surprised, but I didn't hear a peep about this plot point. I guess nerds CAN keep a secret.

Toodles.

Again with the Star Trek.....

2009-05-08T04:06:00.002-05:00

I haven't seen the movie yet. I had to work tonight; but a pal o' mine called me at work about a minute before closing and told me he went to see it and he said it was really good and that Leonard Nimoy got him all weepy.

And if you go to any of the major nerd/pop culture sites, contributing writers are scrabbling over each other to get to their laptops to shower praise on the film. I'm trying to avoid reading these reviews because I don't want the movie spoiled, but the general consensus is that the film is awesome.

Must.....temper......expectations......

I'm still cranking my way through the original series. I think I have only about six more to go in the third season, then I'm done. Tonight, as I was watching the episode with the two dudes who look like 50/50 Bars, I realized something: One of them had died several years ago (Frank "The Riddler" Gorshin) and I realized that a LOT of people who were on this show have passed away.

I'm certainly not hinting at any curse--the show is over 40 (again--FORTY) years old and most everyone on the show, regular actors or guests, were in their mid-to late 30s at the time; so mortality being what it is.....

Then I remembered something else: My Dad is the same age as William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy. That's right. In another place, he could have gone to high school with 'em. Anyway, THAT made me think of the underlying reason why I love watching the old show so much.

My father is 78 years old. He's still with us. He's slowed down a mite, but he has all of his faculties and he doesn't need a walker, cane or wheelchair. He can still drive--all of that. But he is old. And he's not in his prime.

But watching his "peers," Nimoy and Shatner, tear around the galaxy, looking so youthful and vibrant reminds me that Dad used to be that way: Full of life and "wah-hoo." I wasn't alive when the show was first-run, but it's not too hard to think about how my Dad was a "kid" like Nimoy and Shatner. And that's a little bittersweet to me and I wish he could still be at the age, or at least have the feeling, that he could grab the world by the tail and make it his own.

Here's something else that baked my noodle: When the show premiered, Shatner and Nimoy were younger than I am NOW. We are the same age when the show actually ended. Yeesh. Now I feel old.

Let me shake off the heavy with an observation: A lot has been said about Shatner and...........his long..........pauses as he speaks. He didn't do that much in the first season. I guess when he got back from break, he decided to "act it up" and pause to beat the band.......for the........restoftheshow.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm getting towards the end of the series and one of my favorite episodes is coming up. In a couple of words: Space Hippies.

I'm not sure how old the ep writer was when he wrote this, or what his actual exposure to hippie culture was (if any), but I always got the impression that everything he knew about hippies, he got off of other TV shows or movies. But the Space Hippies resemble Earth Hippies in two respects: They are ridiculous AND annoying. So kudos.

Someone had the great idea of putting together all of the music clips from the episode in one go on YouTube, so for better or for worse, here it is:

That security guard who was supposed to be....guarding the hippie leader.....he was an acid tab away from selling his homemade jewelry at a Dead concert. What was his excuse to Kirk going to be for screwing up?

"Sorry, sir. I was becoming one with the universe in ways that this ship cannot provide."

Stupid hippies........

Watch. Me. Faggots.

2009-05-07T12:42:00.008-05:00

Hey, if you're looking for something interesting to read, watch or listen to that doesn't have anything to do with the names Patterson, Bay or Lady GaGa, then feel free to click on over to Ed Smith's review blog:

http://moviesbooksandmusic.today.com/

The blog that's mostly artsy; hardly fartsy.........

"Robert, who made you laugh today?"

These guys!!

Pregnant Women are Smug from Erika Lindhome on Vimeo.

Check them out at garfunkelandoates.com

And finally, this is way late and everyone knows it already, but I wanted to pay my respects to the late, great Dom DeLuise. When I was a kid, HBO played "Cannonball Run" three times a day for about a whole year, so it was impossible to miss. One of the reasons I liked the movie so much was that there was this ridiculous fat guy who thought he was Captain Chaos--superhero extraordinaire.

Adrienne Barbeau supplied the other two reasons, but ANYWAY...

A blooper reel was shown during the end credits and some of it was kinda funny, but there was one bit where Dom was screwing up a line and Burt Reynolds was starting to giggle and then Dom started giggling and he couldn't stop. Dom was crying, he was laughing so hard and I had never seen anyone laugh that hard in my life and I couldn't help but laugh, it was so infectious.

Later, I would see him on talk shows and commercials and he continued to let the good times roll. He just seemed like a good, happy person--a big ball of Italian sunshine over here--and you felt good after "hanging out" with him for awhile.

A real sweetheart.......

A few weeks ago, I listed some things that made me laugh everytime I heard/saw them and I can't believe I forgot to mention the funniest scene in one of the funniest movies. I'm not going to give much of a synopsis for "Blazing Saddles;" everyone has seen it--but to those of you who are not everyone, it was Mel Brooks's love letter to Western movies.

And it was funny: jokes about Western movie conventions, racist jokes, fart jokes, breaking the fourth wall--it just kept going.

Now: The evil cowboys and the good townspeople are having a free-for-all fistfight for the fate of the town.....the camera pulls back........and it's revealed that the town is on the Warner Brothers backlot......and this happens.....

Dom "Not In The Face!!" DeLuise is probably giggling on a cloud right now......

And on that hacky last line, I bid you adieu......

P.S: If anybody can tell me how to make links out of URLs on this thing, I'd appreciate it.

Spock

2009-05-04T15:46:00.004-05:00

Spock (the Vulcan; not the baby doctor) is my favorite "Star Trek" character; and he's WAY UP there on the list of fictional characters I admire and here's a nice, little(ish) list of his best qualities I've compiled:

1) He is loyal. If Spock was a dog, he'd be the least affectionate Labrador EVER. You'd just have this dog laying at your feet who wouldn't chase the ball because it's not logical. He and Kirk are best friends and have been for years, but when you examine their working relationship, you have to wonder why. Sure Kirk is his commanding officer and all, and he's lucky to have Spock around, but it's Spock who has to pull Kirk's ass out of the fire most of the time--and sometimes Kirk is the one who started the fire in the first place.

Spock is not only loyal to Kirk, but to Starfleet, the Federation, his crew, his ship and on and on. Seriously, a more stand-up guy you couldn't ask for.

2) He's smart. Like wicked-scary-super smart. Hard sciences, soft sciences, tactics, statistics, history and the orange category in "Trivial Pursuit"---it's all up in his noggin.

3) He has devoted his life to a philosophy; and that philosophy is logic. Logic at all times. Unemotional, rational logic in every situation and under any circumstance. Good luck trying to do that with a boatload of psychotic apes there, Spock.

4) And this is kind of an offshoot of #3, but I think it deserves its own section--Spock tries to remain unemotional at all times, so his logic will not be clouded. What's great about this is that he always throws everyone (especially opponents) for a loop because he doesn't give away his strategies through outbursts or physical tics brought on by emotion. He's probably difficult to cuddle with, but he's busy saving the galaxy for crap's sakes.

And that's another thing: The fact that he is unemotional, or unattainable, drives at least a couple of ladies wild. That's right: Spock could be a maja playa, if he wanted to.

5) He has superpowers. Vulcan Neck Pinch, Mind Meld, resistance to pain (offshoot of non-emotionalism) and stronger than a Human male. Next.

6) He came from adversity. He is a Human/Vulcan hybrid and when he was growing up, he was tormented by the other Vulcan children for being "mixed" and he wasn't really accepted by the Humans while he went through Starfleet Academy, because, as it turns out, we're dicks, too. But Spock hangs in there and is the best Spock he can be, regardless of how often we screw things up.

7) He's a musician. Hell, yeah!!! He rocks out with his Spock out and if you don't believe me, watch the Space Hippie episode (towards the end of the third season).

"Sounds like a sweet deal. What's the downside?"

Well, there's the whole "not being completely accepted" aspect (which makes this character a favorite of adolescent nerds everywhere) and he's not one to snuggle--except for every seven years: He has to have sex at least once every seven years or he'll die.

I've got him beat. I can do seven years standing on my head.*

And when he's at work, he comes in contact with a bunch of people, who, by comparision to him, are complete retards.

Yeah, I don't know what that's like......**

But if there was another flaw that Spock has; it's that he takes a LOT of shit. By the truckload. It seems like in most of the episodes, after Spock has saved the day, Kirk and McCoy have a little recap about what went on and give him shit like: "Oh, you showed some emotion back there, Spock." Or: "You're becoming more human all the time, Spock."

Dicks. He doesn't want to become human; he doesn't say it, but he thinks we're complete idiots. And he's right.

Also, to say nothing of Dr. McCoy's blatant racism: "You green-blooded, half-Vulcan, inhuman...."

And it doesn't help that McCoy's from the South!!! Damn!!!! Why doesn't he call him a "Vigger" and get it over with?

But Spock was really having a bad day in the first season. In the episode, "The Apple," Spock is amongst the landing party who encounters a tribe of sub-smart human-types with orange skin and 75 pounds of platinum wig on each person. These guys:

Anyway, these particular crewmembers of the USS Shortbus are being cared for by a supercomputer that's housed in a cave that looks like the head of a way-giant Alligator Snapping Turtle and the natives think it's their god and they worship it and feed it food.***

But during this episode, Spock....

Nearly gets killed by a poisonous plant that shoots thorns.

Nearly kills himself (and everyone else) by carelessly throwing a rock that, as it turns out, is made up of a highly unstable explosive.

Gets struck by lightning.

Gets shocked AGAIN; this time by a force-field.

The orange nitwits make fun of his name and laugh and laugh.

And lastly, Kirk and McCoy make the allusion that Spock is the Devil because he helped the natives become self-sufficient and no longer dependent on the computer (threw them out of the garden, so to speak) and also because he really looks like the Devil. Jerks.....

Honestly, it's enough to turn anyone else from this:

To THIS..........

Oh, Spock......please continue to assault the posterior region upon one's person with your bipedal appendage and obtain a list of identities from individuals........

* Probably shouldn't brag about that........

** You might want to duck when that 12 ton mound of sarcasm swings back this way......

*** They don't explain how one feeds food to a computer; you're just going to have to go with it........

Aw, maaannnn......

2009-05-03T23:14:00.004-05:00

Huh. The "Star Trek" movie isn't having any midnight showings. It is being released everywhere a day earlier, but the first show isn't at midnight; it's during the evening at 7. The latest show is at 11:30 PM, but it wouldn't be the same.....

Actually, with all of the special screenings and sneak previews, I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't seen it yet, so I guess it doesn't make much difference.

But if there was ever a movie that was screaming for a midnight showing-this is it. Midnight shows were off-the-radar geekfests (Rocky Horror) where fans could dress up as characters and just act like dorks before they had to go to work at the used record store or donate plasma.

I guess it was around 10 years ago that someone in Hollywood (The Land Of Dreams!!! And Donating Plasma!!!) had the bright idea of having midnight shows for big-event films like comic-book movies or other geek-ilk so that geeks could feel like "they were there" when it happened---and they could hang out with Their Kind. Everyone in the theater knew what adamantium was or that Jango Fett wasn't a jazz guitarist; they could watch in peace without a lot of stupid questions and distractions or fear of being beaten up by football team.

And since the whole "Star Trek" franchise has been nothing but Nerd Heaven over the last 40 years, it's kind of surprising that the midnight shows aren't firing up.

Actually, the more I think about it, not really......

From what I understand, the filmmakers are trying to make this film as accessible as possible to people who have never seen a lick of Trek without cheesing off the fans. The more family-friendly move of 7PM is probably there to reassure people that you don't have to hang out with dorks in the middle of the night; you can watch this movie, have a good time and still get home to watch the news and "According to Jim."

But really, how hard is it to make "Star Trek" accessible?

The original Shatner/Nimoy show from the sixties is very simple and here's the recipe:

1) Take one rough and tumble leader who dives head first into a fist fight (your action) and add his loyal best friend who uses his brain and alien powers to help his macho friend. Add an additional friend who argues the emotional sides of issues with the one that celebrates cold logic and there you have your "issues" in your science fiction show.

2) Place on a wicked cool spaceship that goes very, very fast and is populated by different ethnicities of the Earth who all get along and work towards the betterment of Mankind (again, with the science fiction.....and now it's dripping towards delusional fantasy....).

3) Sprinkle in a lot of aliens who look like humans, hot girls in huge wigs and hooker outfits, fistfights, judo chops, sketchy special effects that don't look real for a second, and science, technology and philosophy that doesn't get TOO bogged down in the details. Let it bake for three seasons until the network says, "Nah."

How hard is that? This looks easy!! And you know what? The best time to watch this show is when you're six. When you're six, you buy into the action and you just have fun watching it. When you get older-maybe around the teen years-you start listening to the issues and doing some thinking....and you realize that Uhura is super-hot.....mee-YOW.....

Flash-forward to your late thirties and when you watch the old episodes again for nostalgia's sake, you can feel like a kid again AND look at the episodes through a post-modern, jaded eye.

Don't get me wrong: I still love these things because they're so damn fun.....but they could be damn silly, too.

If you're still here, you may be asking yourself: How do I get on the glorious bandwagon?

Just watch an episode (They are online for free at startrek.com and I think at IMDB.com as well); except for one or two episodes, each episode can stand on its own. You can watch them in ANY order and it doesn't matter. There are absolutely no massive story arcs, no character development over a season, no huge, convoluted backstory--none of that crap. With the most recent incarnation of "Battlestar Galactica," you had to watch every second of the show FROM THE BEGINNING in order to begin to understand what was going on and if you farted while watching an ep, you had to back up and rewatch what you missed during the seconds in which your eyes were closed while farting and listen to what was said during the resulting noise.

Let me give you an example of the simplicity: I've rewatched two and a half seasons and Captain Kirk has fallen deeply in love with at least two women. They are in the episodes that has a Harlan Ellison story credit and the other one is the one where the Enterprise goes to the Native American planet. In both episodes, both women die HORRIBLY. One dies in an accident and Kirk lets her die, otherwise the future is destroyed and the other one is actually married to Kirk AND carrying his child AND is stoned to death by her people. He feels bad at the end of the episodes, but THESE RELATIONSHIPS ARE NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN. EVER.

It's just on to the next planet and who do I get to punch next week?

In real life, that's terrible and, most likely, a dissociative disorder. For a weekly TV show from the sixties: fine and dandy.

Now with The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine and Voyager and Enterprise--these shows developed backstory and rules and Show Bibles and huge story arcs and rules that spread over different shows (not just episodes) that COULD NOT BE VIOLATED IN ANY WAY because then the productions' existences would be flawed and unravel. Some would argue that happened anyway, but I didn't watch all of these shows.....and the reason why I didn't watch all of these was because they were becoming too self-important with backstory and painting themselves into corners so they wouldn't make plot holes and then they STOPPED BEING FUN.

I liked Next Generation; didn't get into DS9 or Voyager and I tried to like Enterprise, but failed--but all of these shows were so staid and tried to be proper and mannered and hoped to gain respect in the medium----

Let me put it this way: I'm not rich. I've never have been and I probably never will be, but when I was growing up and I visited my rich relatives, it was nice, but it wasn't what I would call "a blast." Their mansion was like a museum and there was a bit of a superiority vibe going on (Thank God I've never gotten that...). But when I was home.....WAH-HOO!!!! Tear around, act a fool, etc.

That's what I like about the old shows: The WAH-HOO element. It's like going home. The newer shows were like visiting the rich uncle: You look very nice, but I can't relate to you at all.

Big, fake fight every episode!!! Get the girl!!! Hang with your buds!!!! Who can argue with that?

I'm gonna go get some pizza and watch another one. Hope ya watch one, too.

"Star Tracks" or ".......the hell?"

2009-05-01T14:42:00.002-05:00

The "Star Trek" movie is opening to wide release next week, so naturally, there's going to be a resurgence of interest in everything that came before the new movie.

So here's something for ya: Remember that bit in "Family Guy" in which Stewie does this weird recitation of "Rocket Man" in a tuxedo? Here's the inspiration:

Wow, huh?

And what the heck: Here's Stewie.

But for pure yeesh factor, I'm going to have to go with this; largely because it looks like it took as long to make as it actually is:

Ta.

If my department was truly my own store......

2009-05-01T01:40:00.003-05:00

.....I'd probably close within a month because I've alienated everyone......

...but, dammit.....I'm really sick of the fuckin' Nutter Butters who come in and cause problems.....

Okay, Robert's Wish List for his very own store is as follows:

1) No one under 14 admitted. Not because we would sell anything dirty or porny, but because my staff and I are gonna cuss. And we're going to blast music and show movies that cuss. We're going to play NWA at 10 in the morning and then we're going to show the international version of the original "Dawn of the Dead" at 1 in the afternoon. On a Sunday. Plus, I don't want your toddler pulling shit off my displays and you won't fix it.

2) All bags and big-ass coats will be checked in at the counter. Your messenger bag that's twice as big as you will not carry out half my inventory. And for that matter, I hope you're wearing a shirt under that hoodie, 'cause that's getting checked in too. I almost went with having everyone shop naked, but there's no guarantee that I won't get just hot customers. I'll get some fatties and they'll have more places and folds to hide things and I'm not looking forward to searching all of that.

3) Employees dress however they want. You're just working in a fucking store, you know? AND....they can throw out whomever they want, as long as they have a Good Reason. I'm gonna have like-minded employees who aren't going to take any shit and don't have to be afraid of losing their job because someone's acting like a douche. And by "like-minded," I mean "they have enought common sense to adhere to the Good Reasons". The Good Reasons include, but are not limited to:

a) Customers ignoring employee greetings or offers to help. If you don't acknowledge us, then maybe you'd acknowledge....KA-POWW!!!

b) Customers who talk loudly on their cell phones practically the entire time they are in the store and especially if they do that at the checkout counter. PUT DOWN THE FUCKING PHONE AND SHOW EVERYBODY SOME GODDAMN RESPECT!!!!

c) My staff will be well-versed in the Art of Finding Stuff On The Computer And In The Store, so you won't need to question and second-guess every thing they do. If they get more than two "Are you sure?"s from you, your ass is out.

d) No homeless. You're not going to buy anything. And you'll just put paying customers off with your odor/craziness/whathaveyou.

"Robert, that's so mean. They have a right to...."

SHUT UP!!! IT'S MY STORE!!!

....okay.....where was I?........

e) Speaking of crazy, if we feel you are crazy or becoming a pest.....say for example, you're calling us twice a day, every day to check on an order, or asking everyone that works here how much "Breakfast at Tiffany's" costs, then take your crazy to Best Buy 'cause we don't want it here.

f) If you bitch about the prices, you are not only thrown out; YOU ARE BANNED FOR LIFE!!!!

"I can get this cheaper at Best Buy...."

Then get back in your car and go to Best Buy

In short, if you're a pain in the ass.....GET OUT!!!!!

4) If you special order something and you don't pick it up, okay; but if it happens THREE TIMES within a year, you're not ordering anything else. Also, if you want us to hold onto something for you for three days, that's fine. But the THIRD TIME you don't pick it up, we're not holding anything for you, ever.

5) Getting back to loss prevention: Mirrors and super high-def surveillance cameras EVERYWHERE. And we're going to have a sign that says: "If you steal something, we're going to chop off your fucking hand." Of course, it will be hard to steal things when most of it will be encased in a huge, plastic case with the product on top and a yard-long thing of plastic underneath, with enough doo-dads enclosed to set off the Star Trek Red Alert Thing at the front of the store and automatically lock the front door, so that there's no escape....chop-chop....

6) And guess whose store is going to have an arsenal of baseball bats and a shotgun or two behind the counter....

But it's not going to be all MWA-HA-HA!!!...I'm going to give each of my employees a whole bay to fill up with stuff they like and would recommend.

"Huh. This employee recommends this Yo Yo Ma unaccompanied cello set and 'Dog Soldiers.'"

Why not, indeed, sir? Why not, indeed?

And they can play anything they want on the superfly sound system or the jillion-dollar Blu-Ray/60" HDTV (1080p) LED screen. ANYTHING. Except when I'm there and if I don't like it, then I get to override, but I'll give anything a shot once, so it wouldn't be so bad.

What else do I want? No carpets!! I don't want the damn kids getting all nice and cozy and hippie and just sitting in the middle of the floor. And you can vacuum all you want; they're still not going to get clean. Wood floors would scratch up something awful, so I'd have to go with some sort of tile-thing....

The discount program: We will have a free discount program, but we have to like you first before you can get in. If you're cool, we're cool.

"Hey, what are you actually going to sell, dumbass?"

Good question. Pretty much what I'm selling now. Except the jazz, blues, folk, country and classical sections will have more stuff. And we are going to have the largest comedy cd section in the state (owner's perogative). The R&B section will have more old stuff in there.....Pop standards will have an expanded Rat Pack section. Even though we won't allow kids in the building, we'll still have a kid's section........I'm kinda "meh" on Electronic music and New Age--I'll probably stock some, but certainly not more than I have now.

DVD-wise, I'd like to have as diverse of an inventory as we do now, but we will have a basic criteria for things we want to sell and things we'd never sell. It's the old "Gay/Not Gay" standard.

Let me clarify: It doesn't mean that we won't sell anything that has homosexual content; "gay" in this context means "very, very lame."

Example:

"Shaun of the Dead" - Not Gay

"Failure to Launch" - Gay

"The Wedding Planner" - Gay (To keep this list fairly short, anything Matthew McConaghey made after "Contact" will not be in my store.)

"Can't Stop The Music" - Not Gay (Note: This is the Village People movie from 1980 that is very gay, in the literal sense of the word, but it's also a very inept movie that is hilarious in its badness, so we're keeping it and thusly, it is "Not Gay" even though it's as gay as gay can be.)

Anything with Ian McKellen (except "X - Men 3" which is gay, but gets a pass because the completist in me needs to be acknowledged) - Not Gay

Remakes of 70s horror films - Gay

I think I've made my point......

I'm kinda iffy on music and concert DVDs. I'm not a huge fan. I can watch a movie over and over. I can watch a stand-up dvd over and over, but concert DVDs...I can usually only watch once. I'll stock significant stuff, and I'll splurge on a bunch of Austin City Limits stuff. Those me likes.

More Asian cinema!! (fancy way of saying kung-fu flicks) But I don't want to have "Son of Drunken Monkey Master 843." Just the significant stuff. I am a little cold towards anime, however.

Okay, let me wrap this up because I have got to get some sleep, but to sum up, I just want a store that has an interesting and ecletic inventory and where people treat each other with respect, courtesy and fucking manners; otherwise, there will be consequences.

Questions? Input? Suggestions?

Taking Inventory......

2009-04-20T11:31:00.002-05:00

The store had inventory last night and of course, the music department had its inventory counted as well.

Inventories are a huge pain in the ass. You're up almost all night and no matter how much you want every. single. thing. counted--stuff gets counted twice or not at all.

Also, in my department's case, every single thing in there has to be counted by us before our inventory begins. It has to be counted--while the department is still open for business. Customers can still sashay around, pick up stuff and move it while we are attempting to be exact in our counts. The whole reason for the count is to compare it with what the third-party auditors get: If DVD bay 13 has 134 dvds and that's what third-party got--great--move onto the next one; if it's off, then figure out what the dealy-o and get it fixed.

So for three hours before our audit begins, it's:

"....134, 135, 136...."

"Excuse me, you don't look like you're busy. Can you help me?"

"......yes, what do you need?..."

"I was wondering: do you have that there record by the dumpy woman from England?"

"Who do you mean? Do you have a name for the artist?"

"Oh, you know who I'm talking about: That ugly girl from England who's all over the internet singing that song on that talent show."

"She doesn't have a record out yet. She just made an appearance on that show and I think she's negotiating a recording contract, but she doesn't have a record out yet."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I don't even think the show she was on has even picked a winner yet. She's just been "discovered," that's all.

"I think it's wonderful that people who look like that can have some good fortune, don't you?"

"Well, you truly are like Jesus and if you need any more help, let me know."

And she wanders off, glowing that "I AM just like Jesus" glow and I go back to:

"......137.....wait......was this Faith Hill cd 137.....or was THIS Faith Hill cd 137?......dammit.......1, 2, 3, 4...."

It's like doing your taxes in the middle of a cocktail party, really.

But when the store is closed and the customers are gone and the inventory starts.....that's when it gets exasperating.

It's like bad sex. There are things you want to do, but are not able due to time or the performance of the other person. Sometimes you don't know where the other person is. If someone doesn't know what they're doing, it can lead to massive problems. At some point, you want to tell the other person (in this case, the auditor) to "just hand it to me...I can do a better job with it by myself" (in this case, the scanning device they use for auditing). The other person (the auditor) is going too fast and it's difficult to keep up because you're still trying to correct their earlier mistakes and before you know it, it's over, you're tired, fed up and disappointed and you have to clean up.

Then there's all the paperwork.

See? Just like sex, and bad sex at that.....

Feh. I hate inventories. So much can get so messed up, so quickly........GAH.........hate inventories.

That's all.

Rise.....OF THE MUTANTS!!!!!

2009-04-17T10:31:00.003-05:00

I think The End is near mostly because Marvel Comics seems to be bleeding into real life.

DATELINE RUSSIA: A twentysomething dude went to the doctor because he was having sharp pains in his chest. The docs cracked him open and lo, and behold.....the dude had a small fir tree growing in one of his lungs. This really...has been reported. I hesitate to say "this really happened" because it's so fantastic, but this story has been swimming all over the Net this past week--and if it's on the internet, then it has to be true.

Anyway, the doctors claim that the poor commie bastard probably inhaled a fir tree seed and it flourished in the lung because of the blood and oxygen the seed is nestling in.

BEHOLD!!!!! THE LIVING TREE!!!! (wait, that's no good) TREE MAN!!!! He has only two weaknesses: chainsaws and a swift kick in the acorns.

The next bit is closer to home:

http://www.katv.com/news/stories/0409/614231.html

Improperly stored chemicals in a deserted facility....how many superheroes/villains were created from these conditions? Almost all of them.

"ENTER......THE HILLBILLY!!!"

"THE LEAGUE OF REDNECKS.....THE BEGINNING!!!!!!"

"THE WHITE TRASH WALKS AMONG US"

"THE TOOTHLESS WONDER--MAN OR MONSTER?"

"FEAR....THE WEREDOG-THAT-HIDES-UNDER-THE-TRAILER"

"PICKIN' AND A-GRINNIN'--HICK CRIMEFIGHTERS"

Later.

Oh, for.......

2009-04-16T10:09:00.004-05:00

Read, please.....but before you do, make sure your eyes are properly warmed up for the rolling they are about to perform....

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090416/ap_on_re_au_an/as_odd_australia_snakes_on_a_plane

If Samuel L. Jackson was actually on that flight, I'm not sure if I would just stay in bed for the rest of the week, or laugh my ass off for a couple of days.

Teabagging is sweeping the nation......

2009-04-15T15:42:00.003-05:00

Today, on Tax Day, people across the country are mad as hell about paying taxes for programs they don't like; particularly the bailouts of the auto and banking industries.

And I can relate (and I don't even watch Fox News). I owe a lot of money this year due to the fact the I was a beneficiary of my Sainted Mother's retirement account last year. I'm not pleased, not even a tiny bit, that she worked hard for decades teaching and that a chunk of her nest egg will most likely be used for something stupid like grants to artists who work in the medium of tomato soup and urine or throwing more money at the asshats who have run their companies into the ground by poor financial management.

No, she would want her kid to keep all of it. And I could use it: Rent, food, and utilities are not getting any less expensive and I didn't get a raise this year.

But I'll pay--simply because I have to and the IRS and the US Government are such bureaucratic monsters that they could lock me away for a long time and make me pay more money on top of the money I would already owe.

Enjoy my dead Mom's dough......and I hope you choke on it.

"Well, why don't you protest?"

You haven't been paying attention: Fear of ass-rape. Literally and metaphorically.

But that's not stopping some yahoos from protesting--a bunch of folks were in Washington today to dump a bunch of teabags in the Potomac to protest our system of taxation.

But they didn't do it because they didn't have a permit to dump something in the Potomac.....

They were going to do it in Lafeyette Park--dump the bags on the ground.....and clean up so they wouldn't get a ticket for littering.....but that was nixed because, again--no permit......

Then there was a protest in front of the White House and someone threw a package* over the fence and the Secret Service said: "Fuck this shit."--and made everyone go home.

Now, the whole exercise was to emulate the Colonials who snuck onto some British trading ships and dumped the tea into the harbor to protest taxation without representation. At the time, a very "fuck you" move and all done without permits, I'm sure. "Revolutionary" if you will.

Nowadays, it's: "WE REFUSE TO PAY TAXES AND THROW GOOD MONEY AFTER BAD, SO THAT'S WHY WE'RE DUMPING THIS TEA INTO THE POTOMAC RIVER, NOT UNLIKE OUR FOREFATHERS WHO....what?......We can't dump the tea because we don't have a permit?......Well, we don't want to get in trouble....TO THE PARK!!!!"

(later, at the park) "WE REFUSE TO PAY.....we can't dump the bags here because it would be littering?......Man, I don't want to get a ticket........You know, we've got to hurry this up because I still have to mail my taxes before midnight....."

I don't want to encourage anyone to break the law, but IF YOU'RE GOING TO REBEL--REBEL!!! Don't be all pansy about it. I'm not even rebelling, but at least I'm not wasting my time looking like a jackass.

Well, off I go to mail the cheddar....then back home to watch old Star Trek episodes....I gotta tell ya, those things are like Chicken Soup for the Soul over here.....Now, if I could only get into a massive Shat Fight** with the IRS.....

* Nothing dangerous was in the package. Some idiot thought he was being Thomas Paine.

** "Shat Fight" is the name I've given to William Shatner's stage-fighting during "Star Trek's" production--judo tosses, tucks and rolls, and haymakers that are telegraphed from miles away. It is NOT a fight in which actual shit is used--although, in the case of the IRS, that could be fun, too.

The Enterprise has had some work done......

2009-04-13T22:09:00.003-05:00

I was in the Toys R Us today. I'm a grown man and I still like toys. Not all toys, but it's nice to get a couple of things from time to time. Last week, I bought a WALL-E that's about as big as a toaster and makes noise when it hears noise. He's a cute little feller and at the risk of sounding pathetic and weird, it's kind of a pet substitute: It's nice to have something else "speaking" in this place and I don't have to deal with "leavings," if you will.

So anyway, I'm in the store and they have some toys based on the new "Star Trek" movie sitting on the shelf. I didn't get anything, partly because of my Original Series bias, but mostly because I was purchasing 2 one-foot long replicas of the 1966 Batmobile from the old "Batman" TV show (one for me, one for my brother---Merry Christmas).

The action figures from the movie didn't look that great. The bridge playset is kind of cheap: It's mostly a fold-out vinyl-like mat. And!! Get this!! If you want to complete the bridge playset, you have to buy ALL of the figures because they come with bits o' bridge (computer stations and so forth). It's moneygrubbing, but it's also genius.

But I'm a sucker for spaceships and if I was going to buy one thing, it was going to be the new Enterprise; but I couldn't do it--partly because I was already spending a lot of dough on the cars, but I'm just not crazy about the new design. I really couldn't put my finger on why and then I figured it out while I was staring at the box.

Here's a picture of the ship from the original show; it's the spiffed-up, CGI version, but it still looks like the old ship.

It's familiar and it's nicely proportioned. Lovely.

And now, here's a picture of the movie Enterprise....

Now, it's like the old Enterprise got a boob job and had some of her ass removed.......

I mean look at those things.....those warp nacelles are HUGE.....It's like a pretty girl with nice features decided to have a couple of big ol' saline bags crammed into her chest. I'm not a big fan of cosmetic surgery; I think it's okay if it's "needed" and I don't want to get into a criteria discussion, but it looks like this film has done with its lead actress what other films have done with their actresses: Took what made her special and different and turned her into vapid, eye candy. With big fake tits.

Later.

Hey! Yet another celebrity who's out of his fuckin' gourd!!

2009-04-11T13:00:00.002-05:00

Read this; you'll laugh....

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Movies/04/10/woody.harrelson.zombie/index.html

THIS one.......

It's like he and Sean Penn have a contest between themselves, you know? It sounds like there was just one photographer. If it was me, I would have just ignored him.

And I don't think his excuse of mistaking the photographer for a zombie--and "understandably" so, mind you--will fly in court.

He just got through filming a zombie movie.....

.....and he was still in character......

So does that mean that even when the director called "cut," he still attacked any and all poor extras made up like zombies? Did they have to lock him in his trailer? "No, Woody, honey, it's just make believe..."

What are the special features on the DVD going to be like?

"Well, everyone was just great to work with; just giving and friendly....Well, Woody kept thinking it was all real, and he clocked me a couple of times with a baseball bat....It was still great working with him, though....I learned how to fend of a real zombie if I have to....Ha-ha...(ow...)..."

Idiot.....

Asshat....

2009-04-09T12:33:00.005-05:00

Billy Bob Thornton DESPERATELY wants everyone to take him seriously as a musician. So don't bring up any of that acclaimed acting shit he's been doing for the past 20 years or so, whatever you do. That was the totally professional and affable radio talk show host's first mistake. Actually, that was the second. The first one was trying to have a civil conversation with Billy Bob Thornton.

Super-big-thanks to Matilda for giving me the heads-up on the video.

Before this, I wasn't too crazy about the Billy Bob. Over the years, he seems to have gotten crazier, more unpleasant and more Hollywood. If he has legitimate mental problems, then I'm sorry for everything I've said and will say, but he needs to get help. But if he's just a dick, then fuck 'im. I'm leaning towards "he's a dick" myself.

The show host couldn't have been more professional, even when he was calling Billy Bob on his shit. He didn't ask Billy Bob "What's it like to work with Bruce Willis?"--or anything about Angelina Jolie, or what his next movie project was; he was indeed providing context. He was informing his listeners that yes, the Billy Bob Thornton with whom I will be discussing music, is in fact the guy who shot to fame courtesy of "French Fried Pertaters....mmhmmm."

"Who are your influences?" "Where do you get your sound?" "You're on tour with so and so; what's that like?" These are all perfectly legitimate questions to ask musicians who are new to the mainstream. And hey, they are new to the vast majority of the planet. "Would you ask Tom Petty that question?" If he's only been on the Big Music Radar for only the past year or so, YES!!!

If I was Tom Petty, I'd be all: "Um, yeah. I've been a major rock musician for over thirty years and while you (Billy Bob) may have been playing music your whole life as well, you've only recently been getting noticed for it, so we are not the same, actually."

I wonder if Billy Bob dresses the band: "You guys need to dye your hair black, wear black and get the same, exact black glasses." I love/hate how the band gets this look of "Here we go." when Billy Bob first gets all churlish.

Probably one of the other band members has thought at one time: "Crap, man, I thought having a major actor and Hollywood star in the band would blow this thing up and we'd get rich and famous in no time, but Billy Bob is just a huge pain in the ass. Now we're just famous for having a major asshole in the band."

Finally, the most infuriating thing about the whole video is the fact that while Billy Bob is demanding to be taken seriously as a musician.....HE WON'T EVEN PLAY ON THE FUCKING SHOW!!!! Couldn't be bothered to bring the drums to the studio that early in the morning; won't sing. GAHHHH!!!! This is really pissing me off.

Billy Bob, I'm sorry you're so famous and well-known for acting, but you are. And now, you're just as famous for being an asshole. It's certainly gotten your music career more publicity over the past couple of days, but if it was me, I'd rather have the music speak for itself, instead of my dickishness.

Jesus.

Uh-oh.......

2009-04-08T12:42:00.003-05:00

From Sam Borenstein of the AP:

WASHINGTON — The president's new science adviser said Wednesday that global warming is so dire, the Obama administration is discussing radical technologies to cool Earth's air.

John Holdren told The Associated Press in his first interview since being confirmed last month that the idea of geoengineering the climate is being discussed. One such extreme option includes shooting pollution particles into the upper atmosphere to reflect the sun's rays. Holdren said such an experimental measure would only be used as a last resort.

"It's got to be looked at," he said. "We don't have the luxury of taking any approach off the table."

Holdren outlined several "tipping points" involving global warming that could be fast approaching. Once such milestones are reached, such as complete loss of summer sea ice in the Arctic, it increases chances of "really intolerable consequences," he said.

Twice in a half-hour interview, Holdren compared global warming to being "in a car with bad brakes driving toward a cliff in the fog."

At first, Holdren characterized the potential need to technologically tinker with the climate as just his personal view. However, he went on to say he has raised it in administration discussions.

Holdren, a 65-year-old physicist, is far from alone in taking geoengineering more seriously. The National Academy of Science is making climate tinkering the subject of its first workshop in its new multidiscipline climate challenges program. The British parliament has also discussed the idea.

The American Meteorological Society is crafting a policy statement on geoengineering that says "it is prudent to consider geoengineering's potential, to understand its limits and to avoid rash deployment."

Last week, Princeton scientist Robert Socolow told the National Academy that geoengineering should be an available option in case climate worsens dramatically.

But Holdren noted that shooting particles into the air _ making an artificial volcano as one Nobel laureate has suggested _ could have grave side effects and would not completely solve all the problems from soaring greenhouse gas emissions. So such actions could not be taken lightly, he said.

Still, "we might get desperate enough to want to use it," he added.

Another geoengineering option he mentioned was the use of so-called artificial trees to suck carbon dioxide _ the chief human-caused greenhouse gas _ out of the air and store it. At first that seemed prohibitively expensive, but a re-examination of the approach shows it might be less costly, he said.

Me again.

Did you get a mental image of a crappy sci-fi movie in your brain while you read this? "The Day After Tomorrow," for example? I instantly saw the planet becoming an ice cube because we screwed it up trying to fix it.

Tinkering with the climate.....

Isn't that what we're doing anyway, according to the eggheads? So let's tinker some more!!!! We'll fix it good!!!

I have an idea. Let's not put any more pollutants in Mother Earth's air. Let's go straight to the source: Let's extinguish the sun. That's the thing that seems to be causing all the problems--get rid of our heat source--no more global warming.

Now excuse me while I noodle dance for 84 minutes to a Phish song before the Zombie Apocalypse happens.

"Science: Let's Do This and Watch What Happens....Dude, It'll Be Awesome"

This Summer's Greatest Movie Ever

2009-04-08T11:15:00.002-05:00

I did not see the super-secret sneak preview in Austin of the Star Trek movie that's coming out next month. In case you're not a big, fat nerd who keeps up with these things on a second-by-second basis, here's the deal: A new Star Trek movie is coming out next month, and they've recast the Original (Sixties) Series characters and the movie is supposed to show how they got together and became the beloved crew of the Enterprise.

For over F0RTY YEARS, this has been going on......

Woof.

Anyway, I haven't seen it; I plan on seeing it, but I'm kinda ehhhhh about it and I'm being totally hypocritical-considering not too long ago I chastised nerds for poo-pooing "Watchmen" and not liking it because it wasn't EXACTLY like the book, frame by frame.

It's just going to be weird seeing someone else play Kirk and Spock. Don't seem natural. Shatner and Nimoy have been Kirk and Spock for lo, these many decades and here come a couple of kids.....

And the ship's changed--again, super-weak from me because the ship changed a bit from the old show when they started making Star Trek movies in the late Seventies. But what was wrong with the old design?

You know: I have the Original on DVD--1960s special effects and everything, so I can plunk down and watch them anytime I want and relive childhood an hour at a time, so yes, no matter how zip-ah-dee-doo-dah or young or hip, crazy, fresh, dope they make it for the kids........

They can't take Shat away from me......*

Anyway, the nerds who've seen the movie are all in Nerd-Tizzy Factor 5 over the movie. They like it, is what I'm saying. Just slavering away and they couldn't get to their laptops fast enough to call JJ Abrams (the director) a God amongst men and that the film will be this week's defining moment of their lives. "The Dark What?" and so forth....

And I'll go see it. I'm curious. I'm really curious to see Simon Pegg as Scotty. You have to love Pegg.

But nerds are a fickle bunch. One day, something is the greatest thing ever; the same day, they are making lame jokes about how the greatest thing ever is so lame.

We'll see.......

* I know. I groaned as I created the pun, but you have to admit that to have a longish set-up like that for the joke is fairly awesome.

All right....back to nutty customers.....

2009-04-06T23:32:00.003-05:00

I've oft complained about how some folks come into the music department with no recollection of the name of the artist they are seeking. No reasonable clue whatsoever except something along the lines of "That guy on the radio with that shirt."

What's almost as annoying, but infinitely more helpful, is the person who has the name of the artist wrong, but only slightly:

"Ya'll got that Alison Cross?"

"Ya'll got that Jerry Steinfield?"

"Ya'll got that Rebur?"*

It's helpful in the sense that it's CLOSE to the right name, but it's annoying in the sense that this person is an idiot because he/she is getting the name of the object of their fandom wrong.

Moving on....

A week or so ago, I asked this woman if she needed any help finding anything. She said, no, just looking and I went on my way. While I was speaking with her, I noticed that she was wearing an ID badge from some sort of youth/drug treatment home and the badge indicated that she was a nurse in that facility.

Anyway, she later goes up to the counter and I start to ring her up and I mention that she can buy her books back here, too when she asks if I can ring up a copy of "High Times".

Given that she's a nurse in a drug rehab for kids, I'm a little puzzled, but I say, "Sure."

So she leaves and she comes back with her magazine and a guy (who was not with her) gets in line behind her with his cds and magazines.

I continue the transaction with the woman and ask her is she has a discount card (no), and if she would like one (no) and we're wrapping it up when OUT OF NOWHERE AND APROPOS OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING she says:

"You know, Jewish kids can drink wine at a Bar Mitzvah, but it's illegal to smoke pot. It's terrible that there are still laws that won't let us smoke weed if we want."

I say something like: "What can you do?" and she leaves.

The guy behind her steps up to the register and has this eye-rolling look of "whatever" on his face and it was my sentiment exactly. I start ringing up his purchases and say:

"Wow, that was weird...just out of nowhere like that.." BEEP (music cd)

"Yeah, you guys weren't even talking about that and she throws that out there." BEEP (book on current affairs)

"I'm just a guy trying to sell stuff. I really don't want to hear about people's views about this or that." BEEP (newspaper)

"I'm the same way. You know, there's just too many crutches out there for people." BEEP (Penthouse magazine)

Hand to God.....

And I'm totally casting stones at people who are casting stones and all of our glass houses have gone to shit, but come on......

I guess if we use his crutch metaphor and his value system, then the rehab nurse probably had a two-crutch problem. He thought he didn't have a crutch, but I think I'm going to give him one metaphorical crutch. Not two.

Hey, he has to keep one hand free, right? I'm not Satan.

* This one may not, technically, be incorrect. It's more of a localized pronunciation of "Reba," as in "Reba McIntire."

So the other day, I'm standing in the DMV line.....

2009-04-03T10:14:00.002-05:00

......and I only had to wait a few minutes.

I have no complaint--no joke--for this blown-out cliche of the stand-up. The lady behind the counter, while not exactly friendly, was professional and efficient and got everyone out of there as quickly as anyone could. I'll take "get me the hell out of there" before "sweetness and light" any old day. Seriously, it only took me about seven minutes to renew my tags, so that was a nice surprise.

You CAN get along with your mother-in-law. You CAN enjoy some airline food. You can't enjoy peanuts on an airplane anymore because of allergies, so the cliche about not being able to open the packets is moot and dead and buried.

All white people don't sound tense and bunched up. All black people don't dance like that. Yes, dogs and cats are different, but that's largely because they are indeed different species.

Normally, I don't like it when someone takes the wind out of a joke's sails, but these need to go.

I am, however, wearing a skinny tie, a sportscoat with significant shoulder pads and the sleeves are bunched up around the elbows, poodle hair and standing in front of a brick wall while I'm writing this.

Oh! And catchphrases are terrible. Wokka wokka.

Come On, Limeys....Get With The Program!!!!

2009-04-01T18:50:00.005-05:00

I've never been to Britain, but I would like to go. I'm a few generations off the boat meself, so I'd like to see the moors, the green and the whatnots.

I've lived in Arkansas all of my life, so most of my perceptions about the British come from the BBC and Bond movies. I doubt very seriously that there is an actual Ministry of Silly Walks and that the isle is mostly populated with super-spies. It would be awesome if that was the case, but I think they are actually just like everyone else. We actually have some Brits (and Irish and Scots) living in the area and I've known a few. Just like everyone else, some were jerks, some were nice, and others were jerks.

Great Britain has been in the news recently because of the G-20 convention being held there and President Obama making his first trip there as, well, President.

Just a couple of things:

1) Some extremely, left-wing hippie-types are always protesting these financial summits. This year, a few of them broke some windows and surged on a bank and shouted things like: "Abolish money!!!"

This is one of the many problems I have with these hippies: Abolish money.....and do what instead? What are we supposed to do? How do we obtain goods and services in an orderly fashion? Even if we barter, the items used in an exchange are technically currency. Is it a fair exchange rate to swap one goat for two hemp shirts?

The extremely, left-wing hippie-types can be very entertaining; largely because they spout off empty slogans and are completely disorganized and out of touch. If I'm not mangling Janeane Garofalo's point (She is a big-time lefty, in case you didn't know. Also, water is usually wet.), the fringe looks ridiculous because they each have their own agenda and rarely do they support a common one and that's why it was so hard to get anything done.

I was watching C-SPAN once and different rallies and festivals were being held around the Washington Monument. I'm not sure what the occasion was--Earth Day, MLK Day, Pro-Choice march--let's say it was Earth Day--and different speakers from different groups would come up to the podium and do essentially this:

"Thank you for allowing me to speak on this auspicious occasion. While it is important that we keep Earth Day in our hearts, we need to address the travesty of (lack of women's rights, free so and so, won't somebody PLEASE think of the children, the government has a secret marijuana field, black helicopters are hovering over my house, I can't have sex with my dog, no blood for drugs/oil/blood/muffins---take your pick)."

And each of these speakers would pontificate for about 30 minutes on whatever hare-brained ideology they, and the two other people who compose their organization, follow and in doing so, denigrate the reason why everyone was there in the first place.

"Fuck Earth Day!!! I'm gonna talk about my extraterrestrial manifesto!!"

Slippery slope. You can't be a crazy lefty and tell other crazy lefties to shut up....then you become a conservative. Zing. And if you let them gab on and on, everyone forgets why you're there in the first place.

All right--the second thing:

President Obama and the First Lady had an audience with the Queen of England (No, not Elton John.*) and Prince Philip and gave them a lovely gift: A new iPod with video footage of her 2007 visit to the United States and tracks from a box set called "Ultimate Broadway".

Her Majesty gave the President and the First Lady: A silver frame with a picture of....the Queen of England and Prince Philip.

Okay, let's take all of the pomp and circumstance out of the gift exchange and break it down a bit to see where both parties goofed:

The President gave an INCREDIBLY old lady a baffling piece of technology--baffling to an oldie anyway. Those things are so tiny now (the iPods--I'm not talking about the monarchs--although they are tiny as well), I can only hope that she didn't think it was a stick of gum (Freedent, of course) and try to chew it.

"Robert, you're being ageist again..."

YES, I AM!!! Everyday, I encounter a dozen different old folks at work who wonder if we still have tapes (audio and video) and have absolutely no clue what DVDs are; never mind the fact the technology has been around since 19fucking97. Just these shambling corpses who have no notion of an idea of what is going on in the world around them except what Rush Limbaugh is telling them. And of course, because they are older, they know everything, right? They know everything about my job, right? Never mind the fact that I've been doing this for about three years and you can master it in two or three months. I think I know how to use that magic box that pulls up that information. Would you like to try? No!! Because you're so old and ignorant about anything that doesn't have a fucking vacuum tube, you run from it like it's coming after you with a baseball bat!!! YOU'RE NOT EVEN HUMBLE ENOUGH TO LEARN SOMETHING NEW!!!!! SO, YES!!!!! BY ALL MEANS!!!!! QUESTION ME ABOUT MY JOB, YOU KNOW SO MUCH!!! I MIGHT BE ONE OF THOSE MEXICANS THAT GOT HERE ON A TRUCK YESTERDAY!!! OR ONE OF THOSE BLACKS YOU HEAR SO MUCH ABOUT!!!!! MAYBE I'M LYING, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT ALL OF THAT JUNGLE MUSIC DOES TO THE YOUNG PEOPLE!!!! IF YOU LISTEN TO "THE TWIST," YOU IMMEDIATELY GO OUT, RAPE SOMEONE, ABORT THE RESULTING BABY AND THEN SMOKE SOME OF THAT POTS!!! I AM UNDER 60 AFTER ALL!!!! WHAT DO I KNOW?!?!?

AND YES!!!! TAKE UP 40 MINUTES OF MY TIME--HAVE ME LOOK FOR A CD WITH NO INFORMATION FORTHCOMING FROM YOU EXCEPT WHAT IS WRITTEN ON THE LIST YOU LEFT ON YOUR KITCHEN COUNTER AND NOT BUY IT BECAUSE IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE!!!!!! GAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Okay.....I seemed to have strayed a bit, so let's examine the gift that the Queen gave the President: The photo of her and her husband in a frame.

Well, what did you expect? That is a classic old person gift. She probably didn't want to give him a sweater or socks because she didn't know his size. When you get a gift from an oldie, you are almost always guaranteed something very lame.

"But it's the thought and..."

LAME, I SAY!!!! LAME, LAME, LAME!!!!

However, if she gave him a 60" LED TV, a sound system with a bass speaker larger than a Hyundai and an XBOX 360 AND told him that "Gears of War 2" is the TITS, so he should crank that shit up---then I would retract my earlier rant forthwith.

If you take anything away from this: Old people suck. Screwball hippies suck. And old hippies.....I'll probably go to jail. Oh!! And something about British people, too!!!

* Cheap joke, cheap shot.....but you probably couldn't resist either....

After surveying my blog posts of late......

2009-03-30T22:15:00.003-05:00

.....one would think that I'm obsessed with Galactica, vampires, and movies.

Does anyone have a vagina laying around that they're not using that I could borrow for a few minutes?

"Vampires? That's retahhhhhhhded..."

2009-03-29T14:28:00.002-05:00

Hey! Read the latest from Boston!!!

http://www.thebostonchannel.com/cnn-news/19020075/detail.html

I love how it seems that the biggest tip-off to this story was from a student from the school. Hey, Media Types, here's a tip for ya: Teenagers would just as soon screw with you as look at you.

I also love/hate that they managed to get a picture of that uber-douche from the Twilight movie in there......

And that the school had Ben Franklin and Sam Adams as students, but "likely never vampires."

"Likely."

"We're a major media outlet comprised of adults, but we don't want to take one side or the other on the issue of vampires, their existence, or if any have ever been students at the school. We really don't need the lawsuits right now."

Right after I finished reading the article, a Sci-Fi Channel Movie Event just popped in my brain. This story has all of the ingredients to a very shitty movie: Ancient school from the earliest days of our country's history; founding fathers and secret societies; a school uniform fetish.....the movie is writing itself!!!!

Just like a lot of crap films.

Call my agent.

"Ask A 1970s Marvel Horror Comics Villain!!"

2009-03-29T12:53:00.003-05:00

Do you have relationship problems? Problems at work? Is life leaving you frazzled with no one to turn to? Then ask a 1970s Marvel Horror Comics Villain for advice--like these fine people have!!

Dear 1970s Marvel Horror Comics Villain,

When my wife's parents visit during the holidays, they tend to make little comments that make me feel as if my career choice is inadequate and I'm not providing a nice life for their daughter. I'm a high school history teacher and naturally, I don't make much money, but my job has rewards beyond financial gain. I want to assure my in-laws that we're happy, but I don't want to alienate them. What do I do?

Wants To Teach Them A Lesson - Rockford, IL

Dear WTTTAL,

FOOLISH MORTAL!!! DIDST THOU BELIEVE THAT THOU HADST THE POWER TO NEGATE MY AWESOME MIGHT?!?!?!? VERILY, THOU SHALT DIE AT THE HANDS OF THE SON OF DRACUL!!!! BEHOLD!!!! THY END IS NIGH!!!!

Dear 1970s Marvel Horror Comics Villain,

I'm an administrative assistant with an advertising firm. My boss seems to be suffering from a midlife crisis and on more than one occasion has become a bit "grabby." He is married; I am not, but I don't think it's right for him to behave this way. In these tough economic times, I don't want to lose my job. I know there are laws in place that address these issues, but I'm concerned that my complaint won't be taken seriously and I'll be fired. What do I do?

Harried in Harrisburg - Harrisburg, PA

Dear HIH,

BAH!!!!! THE ACCURSED SON OF VAN HELSING IS TENACIOUS AT WORST!!!! CAN I NOT INDULGE IN THE SLEEP OF THE UNDEAD FOR A MOMENT TO REGAIN MY HELLISH STRENGTH?!?!? MY THIRST HAS BEEN SLAKED BY THE BLOOD OF THESE PITIFUL SHEEP CALLED HUMANS, BUT MY IMMORTAL BODY CRIES FOR SLUMBER!!!!!

Dear 1970s Marvel Horror Comics Villain,

I'm at my rope's end. I have a special-needs child, and every waking moment of my day is devoted to taking care of him. Not only are my normal housekeeping chores suffering from a lack of attention, but I feel as if I'm losing my own identity and it will be all for nothing anyway. Who will take care of him when he's grown and we've (my husband and I) have passed away? How will I know he will be safe and happy? My husband is a good man, but he's frustrated as well because he has to work two jobs. We both love our son, but....HELP!!!

Distressed in Delaware

Dear DID,

YES!!!! WITH YOUR BRUTE STRENGTH AND MY CUNNING, NO ACCURSED MORTAL SHALL TEAR MY PLANS ASUNDER!!! NOW, GO....CREATION OF PERDITION'S SON!!!! AND LET NOT ANYONE STAND IN THY WAY!!!! DESTROY MINE ENEMIES!!!! WHO CAN STOP THE VENGEANCE OF THE HOUSE OF DRACUL NOW?!?!? HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!!!!

Robert Sims wishes he can talk like that all the time. CURSES!!!

The AV Club beat me to the punch, but....

2009-03-27T23:12:00.002-05:00

The Onion's AV Club is an excellent source of pop culture information, reviews, interviews and special features. They take their work seriously, but they still have a sense of humor about it (It's still "The Onion" after all.). One of its features involves readers asking questions of the staff and the staff fires off a short(ish) missive. This week's question was: What, in the context of pop culture, doesn't fail to make you laugh everytime you see/hear it?

A lot of them share some common things.....and they share them with me, as it turns out. Here's a list of things that make me/them laugh:

1) Monty Python's Flying Circus
2) Seasons 2-8 of The Simpsons
3) Patton Oswalt's "Werewolves and Lollipops"
4) Mr. Show
5) Dr. Strangelove
6) Arrested Development (tv show)
7) Mystery Science Theater 3000 (I prefer the Sci-Fi Channel eps, myself, but "Mitchell" is the touchstone.)
8) Futurama (the Star Trek and the Roswell episodes are my favorites)

These are all wonderful and they make me laugh everytime I'm fortunate enough to watch them, but here's some things those paid professionals didn't list that make me guffaw, snicker, tee-hee:

1) Sean Cullen's "Live!" album; specifically, the following tracks: "Bond Villains," "Sean Connery," "Bond Themes," "Van the Man," "Earthquake Looting." Sean's style has an "improvisational" feel. Most likely he uses these bits over and over, so they are not really improvised, but they still crack me up because they're absurd.

2) The Venture Bros.: Good lord, this is funny. The whole damn thing. Sure it takes the premise of the old "Jonny Quest" cartoons and turns them on their ear, but that's incidental because this show buggers those cartoons up the ass. Season 3 just came out on DVD this past week and I couldn't stop watching it on my day off, even though I risked not having a car to drive the next day (I was having some car trouble the night before and I almost went to Firestone too late to have the car worked on, thanks to this show.).

3) Meatwad. From "Aqua Teen Hunger Force." And I can do his voice perfectly.

4) The whole Pegg/Frost/Wright catalog: "Spaced," "Shaun of the Dead," and "Hot Fuzz." The cast commentary on the "Shaun of the Dead" DVD is very funny as well.

5) Speaking of Pegg, he was in "Big Train," a Brit sketch show and one sketch featured Ming the Merciless puttering around his house after work. Tee hee.

6) Donald O'Connor in "Singin' In The Rain."

7) The "Tex Hooper" sketch from Norm McDonald's "Ridiculous" cd. It's about 20 minutes long, but it's worth buying the whole cd if you have to. A record producer gets the opportunity to record an album for a country legend, but things go awry with hilarious consequences.

8) "The Job": This was Denis Leary's first TV show. It only ran for a dozen or so episodes and got screwed over thanks to NCAA basketball on Wednesday nights, but I like it more than "Rescue Me," that's for sure.

9) Eugene Mirman's bit about "Teen Wolf." It's too long to go into here. If you see me, I'll do it for you so you can see what all the hubbub's about.

10) "The Odd Couple" with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau: There's just something very funny about a bunch of middle-aged Jews chasing Felix Unger through an apartment to prevent Felix from killing himself.

11) From Family Guy: "Where's my money?!?!?!? Where's my money, man? You've got money for fake moustaches, but not to pay me?!?!"

12) I've already mentioned Monty Python, but in "Holy Grail," the very first scene.....in which Arthur tries to obtain an audience with the lord of the castle, but the guard is more interested in the coconut shells and how they got to England. Haven't we all had a conversation like that? Especially with someone who had the words "regional" or "district" and "manager" in their title?

So what tickles you?

Don't Read This Unless You've Seen It

2009-03-22T12:04:00.003-05:00

If you haven't seen the series finale of "Battlestar Galactica," don't read this. If you've never watched the show, a lot of this isn't going to make any sense, so you probably won't enjoy this post anyway......but maybe it can convince you to watch the show. Of course, you'll know how it ends and from my perspective, it's not much fun to start a story once you know the ending......

Eh.........do what you want............

Last chance............

Okay, I LOVE the ending. I love how everyone ends up and how the story is resolved. And judging by online comments, friends and co-workers, the only people who like this ending are the people who were directly involved with the show and about 47 (including me) fans out of the thousands and thousands of other fans; some of these fans have been on message boards saying that the whole show has been a waste just because we never find out EXACTLY what Starbuck is and they are going to burn all of their Galactica DVDs.

These people are fucking idiots. I'm sorry, but you are. If you are able to start a fire to burn your DVDs, high five! It means that every day you are getting better in every way, but you'll probably need a caregiver for the rest of your life to make sure you don't keep burning down the house.

I'm being harsh because these people have not kept their eyes on the prize. Whether Starbuck is an angel or not is NOT THE POINT OF THE SHOW. My interpretation of all 80+ hours of this story is character. And I don't mean "characters"--the roles that the actors play--I mean an individual's character. What a person is made of and especially, how that person comports himself/herself in extreme situations, in this case, the end of the world. Does Person A fight the good fight and protect those weaker than himself? Does she keep going even though it looks hopeless and all is lost? Or does he cower in his quarters and let others fight his fight for him?

Does he lie, connive and steal to get what he wants? Or is she honest and working towards the Greater Good for everyone? Does she humble herself to understand that there could be forces greater than our corporeal bodies that could be influencing our lives? Or does he close himself off to any of that stuff?

Also, can a person change? Can he find redemption? Can she go on after she makes massive errors in judgment? Can they still do the right thing?

All this stuff about spaceships, killer robots, Final Five, and big conspiracies....all of that is sugar to make the medicine go down--to keep us interested. The glorious thing is to watch these amazingly flawed people ultimately hang in there and do the right thing for each other.

And that's what all of us in the real world are supposed to be doing. A lot of us don't, but some of you do and that's wonderful, but all of us need to do that. We're all people. We all eat, sleep, want things, kiss, fuck, fuck-up, fart, work, breathe, shit, sweat and feel. All of us do the same things and I wish we could realize that and work on becoming GOOD people and be good to each other BEFORE something terrible happens that unites us all. Are we really going to need robots to destroy our society to do that?

All right, enough of the pontification, let me talk about the actual finale episode itself and what I think about the big gripes:

"So, they're just going to wander around prehistoric Earth without technology and hope to survive?"

Sure. Why not? What's the alternative? To wander around the galaxies with technology and hope to survive? And by the way, the show's plot was that they find Earth after the Apocalypse and what do you know: They did. What happens afterward is a whole 'nother show. Although, I think it's safe to say that eventually everyone dies because....well, everyone DOES die....old age, sickness, predators, etc.--we just don't get to watch it.

Maybe Bill realizes that he still has a family (Lee) and he gets off the mountain and reunites with his son. Maybe he crashes the Raptor because of a malfunction when he decides to go back and he dies. Maybe Lee gets married and has a bunch of kids. Or not. Hey, guess what? Ronald Moore gave you a gift by letting YOU decide what happens to your favorite characters. Next.

"So what is Starbuck?"

Before I talk about what I think she is, let me say that I think it was best to leave this ambiguous. If we were spoon-fed what she was, there would still be a lot of upset people; probably even moreso. If she was an angel, that could alienate the fans who don't believe in that sort of thing. Hell, it could probably alienate the fans who DO believe in that sort of thing ("There's no way that strumpet is an angel!!!! I'm going to write to the network and demand they cancel the show!!!!"). The way it was done, she can be whatever YOU want her to be, but in my interpretation, considering how she returned after she died (and she did die, by the way; Baltar confirmed that....or did he?....) it seems to me that she was an agent of unexplainable and supernatural forces. Yeah, I know, that's a cop-out because in real life, we have unexplainable things explained to us all the time. We have the answers to everything!!!

Next.

"The robot montage at the end was stupid and what the hell was that with Head Six and Head Baltar."

I think it was a Serlingesque warning bell that while our advancements in robotics and technology are great, we need to make sure that we are making the right decisions about them or else we're going to have a Vroomba Uprising in about 100 years. Seriously though, as Patton Oswalt said about science: "We're all about coulda; not shoulda." Again, Head Six and Head Baltar are not unlike Starbuck 2.0, they are clearly agents of a supernatural power. God, aliens...it's up to you!!

I will say that I was a little creeped out by the fact that one of the most advanced robots in the world today that ACTUALLY EXISTS RIGHT NOW, looks a lot like Boomer. Very meta, as the hipsters say.

In closing, I'd like to say that I think it's absolutely hilarious and frustrating that before this show started, Ron Moore was lambasted by the fans of the original show because he was making something different. He was making changes from the original and wanted to bring something new and exciting and smart. He even shot down a nerd at a convention who wanted Moore to pledge to make the show more like the old show. And Moore said, no. Essentially he said, this is the show we're making and if you don't like it, you don't have to watch.

THE BALLS ON THIS GUY!!!!!

So he made his show, and lots of people love it and by his own admission, he didn't have an ending for the show when he started, but given the fact that there were writer's strikes and who knows if Sci-Fi/Universal wanted to renew it every year and all of this other logistical, behind the scenes stuff--what's the point of having an ending if there's a good chance your show may not last long enough to have it?

So he does the best he can in the time he's given and he and hundreds of other people crank out one of the Best Things Ever, and I'm not talking about "Best TV Show"--I mean BEST THING......and it ends on his terms and ends well.....and everyone dumps on it......

Again, cribbing from Patton: The Nerd Mafia--whose fuel is disappointment and exclusion...

Screw you guys, I loved the ending. I love the whole show and I'm going to re-watch it as often as I can. Not CONSTANTLY. There are other things to do.....but you know......

So say.....me.