I'm Back, Baby......In a Big and Not So Big Way.....

"Where the HELL have you been?" you may be asking.......



Well, I've been here, I just haven't written. My modem and my computer crapped out in late March and I've been "off the grid" until late August; but I've gone from Luddite to Notluddite in a big way. I got a smart phone and a Big Computer. It's so stinkin' huge, that I think I can almost call myself an office satellite for Pixar except instead of making top-notch entertainment the whole family can enjoy, I just fart around on humor sites and wonder why I didn't think of this or that.


Gina, mine's bigger, sorry.......



Tp bring you up to speed, work is still the same irritation it always has been. Our music inventory is getting smaller and smaller. Oh, Downloads.......why must you destroy my work?



Actually, I'm kind of my own worst enemy. I may be driving myself out of business on the download front. We still get people coming in and asking us if we're (the whole store) going out of business.



The answer to that, as far as I know, is NO. We're just not selling a lot of music because even the most mildly techie bastards like me will be more than happy to save $9 on a download instead of buying a CD in a store. We'll still have a music presence in the building, but we just don't have all of The Posies CDs anymore. Oddly enough, my customers, who are middle-to-upper-middle class-middle-aged people of all creeds and colors don't buy anything from the Bad Brains catalog on a daily basis.



As a matter of fact, recently, the online division of my store had a 50% off sale for its best selling CDs. These are CDs that have been purchased across the country in brick stores and online and there wasn't a single surprise on this list: Buble, Neil Diamond, Willie Nelson, Barbra Streisand, Elvis, Beatles......the Robert Plant/Allison Krauss collaboration may have been the sassiest thing on there.



But a lot of customers are still "Naw, jus' lookin'" Still uncouth dimwits. Still hillbillies. Still complaining about prices and complaining if we move things around.....like it's there house or something.



Excuse me: Like it's their TRAILER or something.



But as I mentioned earlier, a lot of them want to show off their acumen, sidle up to me and whisper, as if in a conspiracy and with gleams in their eyes that tell me they think they are the smartest hillbillies off the mountain: Y'all closin' aint'cha?



I've quit saying no and explaining things, so I just make shit up:



"Well, we're getting rid of the music, but we're going to put in a check-cashing kiosk, a still and lotto tickets."


"No, we're not closing, but we will start offering auto detailing. Camo paint on yer truck, son...."


"Let me put it this way: (start singing) 'Little Rock's gonna have a legit whorehouse in it....."



I don't get it. If you are salivating at the prospect of us closing, why the FUCK do you keep coming in every goddamn day?



The truth of the matter is: Yes, there are some boardroom shenanigans going on, but we are still going to be around for a bit. I have not heard about the store closing. Yes, there's a big "For Lease" sign on the property out front, but that's just the property manager being proactive.




And customers are still as blind as bats: Where's y'all's audiobooks?



Please feel free to turn your head ever so slightly to the right,,,,,,,,,,



I hear this a lot: "OH!! IT WOULD HAVE BIT ME!!!"



If it did, could it pump a few IQ points into your inbred brain along with the venom? Could it turn down the fiddle music that's the white noise in your ears? Will it close your slack-jaw? Or make your jaw move more so everything you say won't sound like: "Nawjusreckonyouunscaughtmelookinrightrounincheer...."



Moving on, the other thing I've been doing these past few months is losing weight. I've lost about 30 pounds so far and I can fit into old clothes. I've cut out pizzas, real hamburgers, all fried foods, sodas, potatoes, lowered my sugar intake, etc. and I am eating more fish and veg and veggie products and fruit. I still have the occasional steak for the iron, but no more junk food.


I saw the light on the Road to Damascus on April 17th of this year. This guy waddles into the department--he's bigger than me and if that wasn't bad enough, he was wearing shorts.


And if THAT wasn't bad enough, his legs......it looked like his next stop after the store, was to the surgeons to have them sawn off. Purple and blue and black calves and ankles. Spirit of Diabetes To Come, I have seen what could be---can I not change it?



Turns out I can. I just can't eat what I used to eat anymore, but that's okay, because I'm feeling pretty good. I still have a ways to go, but, I've made a good, consistent start.



Another benefit of the losing weight: I can totally see my dong now.



When you gain weight, your gut overtakes your genitals. Every bit of you gets bigger, instead of said dong. Frankly, for the longest time, it was thinking, well, you are are turning into a fat slob so no one will be needing me around here anymore, so the Moray goes back into hiding in its undersea cave.


But now, every morning, I get a "Hello and How do you do?" and then I proceed to beat it like it owes me money.



Yeah, we're best friends again.



YOU GO, FIRST AMENDMENT!!!!!

Houses of the Holy

Yesterday, for all of this country's talk of the First Amendment and Freedom of Speech, I realized that there are not many outlets at all for free speech.



If we are fortunate (relatively speaking) we spend 1/3 of our day at work. Free speech at work? No, that's not happening.


TV and newspapers? No, ratings and ad revenue. You can't say what you want because you might hurt someone's feelings and you lose money (see "Work").


Street corner? "Move along, pal......"


Home? Are you kidding? Thanksgiving dinner is nothing if not trying to keep the peace so we don't end up on the news.


Church? Yeah, try that and let me know how it goes......


The Internet? Yeah, but to interact with the public, to get instantaneous feedback.......



The last, great fortress of the First Amendment: The open-mike spots in comedy clubs. We may not laugh with you, but you can get up there for five whole minutes and say anything you want.


I'm going back.


I have a mouth and I must scream.

"Yeah, I May Be Hatin'...."

I didn't watch the Oscars. I watched "Iron Man" and "Lilo and Stitch." Take from that what you will.



As much as I love movies, the last movie I saw in theaters was "Star Trek." Yes: I am that one person who hasn't seen "Avatar" yet.




Kathryn Bigelow's "The Hurt Locker" won for Best Picture and Best Director. I haven't seen it, but it Looks Important. I'm not impressed with Ms. Bigelow's body of work, anyway. I absolutely hate "Point Break." It is so obnoxious that it looks like it wasn't directed by her, but by a guy who was twirling his dick around on set.



".......aaaaand....ACTION!!!!" (whoosh.....whoosh.....whoosh.....)




She directed "Near Dark" which was a cliched, but servicable vampire film (and I've discussed it in an earlier posting), but when I tried to listen to the commentary and she was going on about the actor's journey and the choices an actor makes and all that horseshit.....oof......trying to hard and sucking the life out of your dumb vampire movie.




And on message boards across the interwebs, various idiots are writing: "Woo-hoo!!! A woman finally won!!!"



Cool it, sisters.



What's the point in her winning, if it's not the actual Best Picture? The Oscars is very political and it would not be beyond them to give it to her just because she's a woman; who cares if her movie was actually better than any of the others?



Again, I haven't seen the movie....I'm just saying.........



The only Best Picture nominees I've seen are "Up" and "Inglourious Basterds" and I love both films--for different reasons, obviously.



Other idiots are posting: "The Dude abides!!!!" Jeff Bridges won Best Actor for "Crazy Heart" and that's great. I like him-he's a good actor. I'm just bitching because I don't get "The Big Lebowski." I saw it once in the theaters and never looked back. That's not to say millions of other guys don't like this movie. Sweet Jesus. I sell a copy every now and again at the store. I think the big attraction of the film is the same thing that makes Jimmy Buffett so popular: Here's a guy who is stoned/drunk/the life of the party and doesn't have a boss or a regular job to answer to and the fans are envious of this lifestyle, but not so envious that they are not willing to not share in the good times, as marginal as they may be.




Sandra Bullock won for Best Actress for her role in.....that football movie. Bullock, a rich, white woman, plays a rich white woman who looks up to Mr. Drummond and adopts her very own humongous black man and teaches him to.....play football.....I guess.....It's based on a true story, I'm told.




I'll wrap this up by saying that "Tropic Thunder" may have been a blessing: I don't think there was a single film this year in which anyone has gone retard--full or otherwise.



Toodles, poodles.......

"This Kid Is Going to Break Into My House In Seven Years."

A man and a woman enter the department tonight: He is jabbering away on his cell phone and she asks me if we carry "Hooked on Phonics" or anything else that could help a six year old learn to read.


I say we don't carry "Hooked on Phonics" but we have a couple of other things and she looks at the three dvds I pick out and the man is still talking on his cell phone when his OTHER cell phone, which has the bass turned up I guess, lets him know that he has another call.



The woman then asks me if we have the latest edition of "Hood Fights" on DVD.



Lord........

A Brief Analysis of Apatow Films

Seriously, this will only take a minute--assuming everyone has seen the first two. I KNOW no one saw "Funny People" last year.




"The 40 Year Old Virgin" - Andy (Steve Carell) is (see title of the film) and his buddies at work try to get him some. Andy falls in love with a nice lady played by Catherine Keener, they get married and Andy gets......devirginified. In the previous blog entry, I said that this is easily the funniest of the three.



"Knocked Up" - Seth Rogan plays a loser, stoner slacker who knocks up Katherine Wossname from Gray's Anatomy who has a real harpy of a sister played by Judd's real wife. Movie is not nearly as funny as "40 Year Old Virgin."



"Funny People" - Adam Sandler plays an Adam Sandler-type comic with millions of dollars, a huge house and can have sex with a slew of bimbos without even trying, but he's depressed. I am a failed comic, with no money, a crappy pre-fab apartment with nary a bimbo in sight and I'm also depressed.


Yeah, I immediately hate this character.


He does find out he has a fatal disease (good!) but later, he is miraculously cured (shit...); but before he's cured he takes on as his protege/assistant Seth Rogen's character, a struggling comic and Adam tries to get his old girlfriend back who's married to Eric Bana's character. She's played by Judd's real wife, and again, she's gone full harpy here. Awful person. All of this is wrapped around the world of stand-up comedy, which I kind of enjoyed, but didn't learn anything new.


Only time I laughed out loud was at a Sarah Silverman joke (a joke I'm paraphrasing):


"So I was at the Obama fundraiser and I'm like "There he is," and I work up the courage to go up to him and say: "It is so inspiring to meet you and I truly believe that you will bring great change to this country and to the world when you're elected President."


And he says: "Sorry, but I'm Kanye West."




All right, the first movie made a lot of money, the second one did too, but not as much and the third one bombed and I think I know why:


In "40," Andy, the protagonist, is a super-nice guy, plain and simple. He's not a creep. He's polite. He's nice and very easy to like.


In "Knocked Up," Seth's character is.......you don't want him in your house; but he redeems himself in the last 10 minutes when he turns his life around and stands up to, for all intents and purposes, his sister-in-law and throws her ass out of the delivery room and becomes a dad.


In "Funny People," Adam Sandler's a jerk and stays an asshole; Judd's wife is still a terrible person--the only nice person, once again, is Seth Rogen, but it's like.....eh.....who cares......



In Apatow movies, nice guys finish first, redempted guys finish seconds and nihlistic jerks bomb at the box office. I'm not saying he needs to make "40 Year Old Virgin 2," but dude, have a likable dude as the protag in your next film. There are dark comic characters in successful comedies, but you just don't seem to have the knack yet for balancing that out.



Wish I hadn't lost Judd Apatow's email address.*



"You know how I know you're gay? You just read this blog."




*Hand to God, I actually had a brief email correspondance with him about six years ago. It was a day or two after the premiere of "Anchorman" (which he co-produced) and he replied to an email I sent to the "Freaks and Geeks" website and he responded!! Sent a couple of things back and forth and there you go. I didn't want to seem too stalker-y so I left him alone and we lost contact. Oh, well...

I'm re-watching "40 Year Old Virgin"...........

and out of the three movies that Judd Apatow has directed, it's the best one; and by best, I mean funniest.



I'm not going to go into an analysis, but I just wanted to share a couple of lines/scenes from the film that have me actually laughing out loud.



Note: The version I'm watching is the "unrated version" and I'm using the actor's names instead of the character's.



God, I've sucked the life out of this already......HERE GOES!!!




Steve Carell wants to talk to Romany Malco about something serious, but Romany is watching the remake of "Dawn of the Dead" on the electronic store's TVs. Steve asks Romany if he is attractive and Romany says yes, but he needs to get a chest wax. Romany reassures Steve that it's going to be all right and it's a nice, serious, quiet conversation until Romany's attention goes back to the movie:



"AW, SHIT!!!!! FUCKED!! DAT!!! NIGGA!!! UP!!! GET OUT THE ROOM, BITCH!! GET OUT THE ROOM!!!!"





Seth Rogen advises Steve Carell that he just needs to know how to talk to women and he uses a "plant the seed" metaphor. The short version is that he advises Steve to talk to Elizabeth Banks like he's David Caruso in "Jade": ask questions, don't answer questions and act like kind of a dick. Steve is successful, is pretty proud of himself and Seth is in awe. Steve asks: "Do I call her?"


Seth: "No. First you let the seed grow into a plant. Then you fuck the plant."

The End All--The Ultimate.....

We had a Code Adam alert at the store today. That's when a parent can't find their child and they let us know, then a description of the child is broadcasted over our PA system and all store employees stop what they're doing and help find the kid.



I stop what I'm doing; someone starts to ask me something and I say I'll be with them in a minute and I walk all over the music department; looking for the kid.



The person asks me if I worked there (I'm halfway across the department; about 30 feet from her). I told her that I'll be with you in a second; we're under a Code Adam alert and I have to stop what I'm doing and look for a kid. I'm sorry, but I can't help you until the Code is cancelled.





She asks: Well......do you know when that will be?




I'm still walking and looking and in a voice that says "You stupid, selfish twat" but doesn't actually SAY "You stupid, selfish twat"--As soon as the child is found.




Music was clear.....he wasn't back there.....I let another manager know so they can concentrate on other areas in the store....and almost immediately, the Code is cancelled.



I can now sell her the Journey Greatest Hits cd she wanted to buy.




Because that's all right: Sure a kid MAY be abducted for whatever heinous reasons and never seen again, but, oh........when the lights go down in the city........




Car time: My lifelong pal, Jodie believes that it's the transmission, so I have to take it to a transmission.....place. This will set me back. If I have to go back to blowing guys for sandwiches again....damn.........